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I think I am insane

bunnybunny
Community Member

I have diagnosed autism, major depressive disorder, gad and anorexia. I have always been depressed, my dad has bipolar disorder and anxiety disorders run in my mums side of the family. I was diagnosed with asd, gad and depression when I was 8/9

 

I don’t remember the last time I did anything without worry or being angry and sad and I like it, I like being sick and I don’t want to get better. I’m not in school and I don’t have a job, I am a total liability to everyone in my family and I don’t have any friends. My 17 year old cat passed away last month and that was the last straw, he was my only friend. I want to die and stop troubling everyone but my mum would be sad and she doesn’t deserve to be.

 

My med barely work and my doctors don’t help, they listen to what I say but don’t provide any solutions and just say to “be strong and be kind to myself.” I don’t deserve kindness though. They don’t listen when I tell them I am genuinely going insane and I don’t know what to do.

I sh. I have blackouts where time just passes and I don’t know what I’ve done, sometimes for only 10 minutes and sometimes for a few days, it’s like I’ve slept through it but apparently I’ve been awake and active.

 

I don’t want to get better, I want to die and I have since I was born, I’m just not meant to be alive.

2 Replies 2

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hey bunnybunny,

Welcome to the Forums, and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We’re really sorry to hear that you're feeling like you're not being listened to, and that you don't deserve kindness. That's a hard way to feel, but we're glad you could share it with us here. It's not easy to be open when feeling like this, but it can be a really powerful step. 

Hopefully, we’ll hear from the community at some point, who may be able to offer some understanding. In the meantime, we've reached out to you privately to offer some support, and would love to chat with you. When dealing with self-harm or thoughts of suicide or wanting to die, it's important to take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero). Otherwise, we'd really encourage giving our counsellors a call, or reaching out to Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Previously, community members have mentioned an app called ‘Calm Harm’ being really helpful for managing self-harm urges, in case that’s something you’d like to have a look at.

We’d love for you to check back in here and let us know how you’re going, if you feel comfortable. It could be helpful to share a bit more with the community about what you'd like to hear from them? They're a lovely bunch and we're sure they'd love to hear more from you. 

Thanks again for sharing, bunnybunny, you never know who might be reading this and feeling less alone because of it. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Bob_22
Community Member

Hi bunnybunny,

 

Thank you for reaching out and my sincere apologies that you have been struggling the way you have been. As Sophie M mentioned it is heart breaking to hear you say that you don't deserve kindness. 

 

I can relate to how you're feeling in regards to having the same conversations with doctors and psychologists over an over again. I've also struggled with being on different types of medication that don't seem to be helping at the time. No one deserves the pain that can sometimes be a roundabout of issues but unfortunately it is the reality that some of us face. 

 

This is not to say that you deserve to feel this way for the rest of your life or that you can't get better. I used to, and still from time to time, think this way. But when I do, I try to remind myself that the pain is temporary and is leading up to something greater on the horizon. I try to remind myself, "I got through my last episode of depression ok with persistence and hope, this is just the same" and "I've come a long way to reach this point and should be proud". I'll also employ some basic CBT strategies that my psychiatrist gives me to distract myself from the intensity of any anxiety or depressive symptoms. For me, the best ones are: seeing a friend/s at least once or twice a week, journaling, aerobic exercise at least twice a week, avoid sleeping during the day and activity scheduling (planning tasks for each day and rewarding myself for difficult challenges). It's also useful to remember that recovery is not linear and that we will all experience setbacks and dips. I would encourage you to maybe explore some of these strategies next time you speak to your mental health professional. 

 

Sorry if it feels like I've rambled on or trivialised how you're feeling. I just wish to give you hope that things will get better and as my doctor always tells me, there are always treatment options available. You don't have to feel as you do indefinitely. Hope this helps

 

Bob