I think about taking my life frequently

[mylittleprofile]

I try to be a good mother, partner, housewife, employee….. but I feel like I fail in all aspects. I had a terrible childhood of physical and verbal abuse.
I smack my 5 year old daughter at times and I absolutely hate it. I have a 1.5 year old also and he just laughs when my husband and I are arguing. It breaks my heart.

I have a plan in my head on how I will do it. I’ve had that plan in my head for the last 3 years. Why have I not gone ahead and just done it????

My house is always a mess, I try my best at work, I try to spend quality time with my two children who I love so dearly.

How am I supposed to deal with someone who’s constantly telling me how bad I am at being a parent. Who’s constantly telling me that he’s going to sell all the houses, buy a bus and take the kids. Who constantly tells me that I am the problem in this family. Who constantly tells me that I blame everyone else for my issues.
How am I supposed to deal with that? Yes he’s hurting but how is this supposed to make me feel.
When I say stop and he doesn’t stop.

He pushed me twice today. Never been violent before. The first time he pushed me I accidentally stood on our youngest leg as he was lying on the ground. The second time he pushed me he followed with kicking and another push. I don’t know if it’ll get worse. He says I wind him up?

I feel so worthless, so hopeless, not worth being here, like they are all better off without me here.

[Sophie_M]

Hey @mylittleprofile

Thanks for reaching out tonight. It sounds like things maybe taking their toll on you and youre experiencing domestic violence in your relationship, let alone not feeling supported by him. No wonder youre feeling the way you are.

Your life is important and know that it is common to think of ending your life when you are in great pain. But also know that with the some support, we can differentiate between ending the pain and ending our life. 

We're concerned that may be strong thoughts of suicide have returned and we are sending a private message to check in on your safety. 

We are here with you. You do not have to go through this alone. We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
 
If thoughts of self harm or suicide have in fact returned to you tonight, where you feel like acting on those thoughts, then this is an emergency, and you should call 000 immediately.

[geoff]

Hello @mylittleprofile, it's so difficult when you have a partner who keeps degrading you in all aspects of your life and who does physical abuse you, how are you then able to achieve what you had intended to do, you can't knowing that whatever you do won't be enough, you eventually, run out of confidence.

You have this continual threat over your head by a partner who demands exactly what he wants without any consideration of how you care or understand how you are feeling and any relationship can't work with this lack of communication.

If you take all of this away and live by yourself with the two children your life would definitely change for the better and know that if you make an appointment with Anglicare, as one example, they do have flats/houses they provide for people in your situation, they also do counselling.

You will need to keep this quiet from anyone, except a close friend and as much as you love your children they mustn't be told, unfortunately, as they may tell your partner, not for any particular reason, but young children tell others out of excitement.

There's more to discuss but I'll wait until you reply if that's what you want to do.

Geoff. x

[yggdrasil]

Hi @mylittleprofile,

Thank you so much for reaching out on this forum. You're clearly suffering a lot as a result of your current situation and past trauma, and I'm really sorry to hear how much pain you are in. In addition to what has been said already, you might also consider speaking to a counsellor on 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) about your domestic violence and abuse situation, as this clearly needs to change for your mental health to improve.

Also, do you have any professional supports to help you deal with the way you're feeling? For example, have you ever spoken to a doctor you trust about the thoughts you're having? A doctor can help you set up a mental health care plan, so that you can receive free sessions with a psychologist or social worker of your choice. A psych or social worker may also be able to help you through your family situation.

Further down the road you might also consider a service like a PARC. I've been to a PARC on two seperate occasions in my life, and they can be a good way to provide continuous access to highly experienced mental health professionals, in a dignified, highly autonomous environment. A psychologist/social-worker might also be able to connect you with a PARC if that's something you're interested in, although you'd need to find someone who could take care of your kids for a few weeks.

Thanks again for posting on this forum. It's terrible when you get to that lowest point with your headspace, I've been there many times myself, but you can slowly turn your life around, in tiny, tiny steps day by day. Please look after yourself over the next few days. All the best,

yggdrasil