I think about it alot

[Meerkat_80]

Hi I am new here and just really feel isolated and alone and its pretty hard coping. I always hide my depression with a bright smile that none ever sees the sadness within.

I became separated from my husband and I suffered through alot of mental abuse from him i would self harm. Why,? It was a form of self punishment that I didn't understand until later.

I've stopped doing it because I know its wrong but the scars are there forever. I smoke alot. Too much and it somewhat relieves my depression and anger and I can't stop. I think maybe I can smoke so much it will indirectly kill me. Its wrong I know it but its so hard. I try I really do I try to stay strong and brave and confident but when you've been mentally abused for so long its hard to come out of it alone.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Meerkat 80,

Welcome to the Forum, we are so glad to have you join us! We're sorry to hear that you're going through so much at the moment. It sounds like you're in a really tough situation. If you don't have much support where you are at the moment, you might find some of the following Beyond Blue resources helpful:

"Feeling suicidal" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal

"Staying well" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well

Or you might be interested in reading about the journey of someone who at one point felt hopeless - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/losing-hope-finding-hope

We'd also like to encourage you to reach out when ever you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. You're never alone. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

[geoff]

Hello Meerkat 80, and a warm welcome to the site.

It's easy to hide our depression, simply because we don't want to have to explain to people why we feel this way, or for them to argue why we shouldn't feel this way because everything seems to be going along adequately, but in fact, you're not, you are suffering, unfortunately.

Mental abuse is not what anyone wants and sometimes smoking is a way for people to take their mind off the situation, and I'm not making a judgement on this, it's something you decided on doing under the circumstances.

The thought of stopping may not have entered your mind until you feel as though there is help to direct you in another way, maybe one you might not have considered before, simply because you weren't able to.

Sophie_M has provided you with some great links and perhaps RESPECT 1800 737 732 may be able to guide you in a positive way.

We'd love to hear bac from you whenever you're available.

Geoff.