I’m Tired

[tikalouise]

Some days I feel so suicidal I don’t even feel like leaving a note.

I just feel like walking out the door and never coming back. 

I get annoyed that I’m loved by people cause it forces me to stay.

My favourite “oh you should stay”, is thinking about the really

small impact people that you’ve met like if your primary school crush found out, or that teacher who used to think you’d go really far, “she’s really smart she just doesn’t focus” those people who would spend a minute mourning you, the old best friend. One of the 4 boyfriends you’d had growing up. The guy I spoke to yesterday questioning his self worth cause he couldn’t “save me”

 I also get annoyed thinking I want to go cause I’ve lost people I love in my life and I know they’d take my spot to be here  in a heart beat.. how could I possibly be so ungrateful. 

I also get annoyed that I’ve told so many people I’m sad and they just kinda agree and laugh. 
has depression become something we talk about at dinner? Maybe that’s not a good thing.. at least not for me. 

my favourite line from anyone who listens  is “wow your so self aware, that’s the first step” 

Well funny thing is Karen I’ve been self aware my whole depression experience

i know all the problems but somehow 2+2 is still equaling 5.  

I like to go inside my head and list off all the reasons why I might be like this. 

- am I too lazy to change 

- do I find no purpose in life

- does nothing excite me 

I feel like sadness off of inside out but it’s like an embedded sadness like one thats more a personality trait. Like when I get home I get to take off my funny,  cool girl suit and turn into jelly.

Even when I am ‘myself’ I’m never really ‘myself’ till I’m

by myself. Idk if that makes sense 

I’m so angry tonight cause I had a good day yesterday when I was fully just me and happy  and I’m sick of looking back on that one good day I get a month and crying to myself saying, well at least I got that day. 
what a rip off. 

Hopefully I never commit suicide, honestly I don’t know with me, they say if you talk about it you won’t do it.

I’m just tired and today 

a little angry. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear tikalouise,
 
Thank you for reaching out to the forum community for assistance, we hope you recognize the strength and courage it takes to ask for guidance with suicidal thoughts. Please know you can express yourself and your concerns openly and without fear of judgement, as this is a safe space.  

It can be an awful burden to feel that you cannot make your own choices because of concern for how it will affect others, but this reinforces that you have people in your life that have meaning to you. Finding purpose can be difficult and can take a lifetime as many people discover that their motivation, path, and purpose in life is an ever changing and evolving aspect. Please try to hold on to those positives as you never know when there may be many more to come.  

You haven’t mentioned any professional assistance in your post, have you considered engaging with your local GP to discuss how you have been feeling and receive referral to available local mental health support.  

We encourage you to contact any of the following support services during any time of need as you deserve to know that you are not alone and that there are services and people out there to help.  

Please consider contacting Suicide Callback Service (call on 1300 659 467) or Lifeline on 13 11 14 or at Lifeline. When you feel the thoughts of suicide become a concern that you may act on.  

Beyond Blue offers counselling 24/7 either via phone 1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat. You could also check out the Beyond Now suicide safety app, developed by Beyond Blue, Find out more..  

If you have not engaged with them before we would also recommend Kids helpline on 1800 55 1800 or at Kids Helpline for anyone 25 and under.

Please remember that if you feel you may act on your suicidal thoughts or you do not feel safe, please call emergency services on 000.   

Warm regards,
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi tikalouise

To be a highly conscious person, so self aware, can definitely feel like a form of torture at times. When you're aware of all the kind of stuff that doesn't appear to help in the way of creating ease or a significant difference it can become brutal, that's for sure.

I've found graduating to higher states of conscious/awareness can definitely be a deeply depressing process at times, until you come to understand what the challenges are about. I believe one of the most significant stages I reached was the stage of understanding what feelings are about, what sensitivity really is. If you're a feeler, you're going to feel everything you sense, including people not raising you out of depression. You'll get a sense of what an angering or depressing level of insanity sounds like through feeling people laughing as they acknowledge your depression. You'll sense what significant revelations feel like and also feel when there are no revelations coming in. You can feel the depressing lack.

Emotion is basically energy in motion, the kind of energy you can feel. You could call it e-motion. A 'trigger' is what triggers a specific kind of energy or feeling. While most focus on typical emotions, I've found my 'dictionary' of emotions has become extensive over time. 'Completely lost' has a feel to it, as does 'People dis-appointing themself from helping me' (aka disappointment). There is the sense or feel of 'An epiphany', the feeling or emotion of 'Being left alone to work things out for myself', 'An over indulgence in caffeine', 'An intense state of wonder/curiosity/search for answers', 'Nervous system going into a state of hyper activity' and on it goes. I'd define 'numb' as 'When nothing feels like it's moving' (aka a lack of energy in motion). Could also be defined as 'a sense of disconnection from whatever would provide energy'.

No one ever says when we're kids 'You have this compass in you. You will feel true north and you will feel when society's beliefs are taking you south, far from who you truly are. You'll feel the kind of people who lead you to stand still, as opposed to those who provide you with a sense of direction. You will feel it or sense it all because you were born to feel everything'.