I'm not scared of dying and I don't want to feel pain

Mitch1551 · ‎08-07-2021

This thought always scares me, I've been dealing with severe depression, anxiety, adhd, depersonalization and alot more, with past trama and what not for atleast 10 years now, since I was 11 roughly, I'm not scared of dying and I guess this is me looking for help or somthing to help me not hurt the people around me, I'm quite desperate for the pain to stop and just want to feel happy or atleast like I want to live, I'm surrounded by people that love me, I'm not alone but life is flat, nothing interests me, the drugs don't work, I've tried nearly every type of anti depressant and what not, doctors can't find a fix, (professionals in that field) and are constantly trying new drugs and different things hoping one will work, my own life has no value to me, I'm not religious and see life as it is, very much pointless, but I'm in so much mental pain that it's unenjoyable, it's like choosing to crawl through a path full of broken glass that never ends or just jump off the path and lay in the grass forever, with no pain no nothing, the only guilt I have it if I jump of the path the path gets harder for the people in my life, but if I'm dead I can't think about that anyway, I'm at the point in my life where I want to be put in a straight jacket and drugged up till all I feel is dopamine and serotonin, because that's all I want, to feel happy and content, sadly my brain feels stuffed and doesn't let me feel that way

Sophie_M · ‎08-07-2021

Hey Mitch1551

Thanks for sharing what's how you're feeling. Sounds like you've been suffering for a long time and that you don't feel like there is alot of hope of things getting better. It takes alot of strength to share this, so we're really glad you have and know that you are certainly not alone.

We have reached out to you privately tonight to see how we can support you and to also check in with you. Please check your inbox.

We urge you if you feel unsafe or that you may act upon these feelings, this is an emergency and you should contact 000.

Aaronsis · ‎08-07-2021

Hi Mitch1551

I am so very proud that you are reaching out for help, that you are here today to get some support, that is really brave of you and I think it is pretty awesome. I hear you loud and clear in that you want the pain to stop and that even though you don't fear death, it is not what you want. That is a really big deal Mitch1551, to know that you do want a chance at a happy life, to know that it is pain that is causing your thoughts and that if you could wave a wand then a happy life is what you would choose, not ending your life.

I am also really happy to hear that you do have lots of people around you that love you, this is great, but I also hear you in that just because you do have people who support and love you does not make life "happy" or "fulfilled", that is because as we know that the pain comes from within and potentially from past trauma as you mentioned, and not from the external features of what looks like a "happy life". I am so sorry that you are on a journey to find any sort of medication that works, it sure sounds so very frustrating for you and I can understand how exhausting this must be.

You are very right in that if you do "jump off the path", the pain you do leave for the ones in your life who love you dearly is actually worse than pain, I can attest to that..however as we said before, a happy life is what you crave, not "jumping of the path". You are loved Mitch1551 and your life has worth, huge worth, it is just that the pain is blinding you from seeing and from enjoying and I know that there are better days ahead for you, there are, it is just that this path is full of broken glass at the moment, but it can be gently swept away, sure there may be fragments of glass still around and it times the glass might seem more BUT..I hope that we can talk here and support you and try to find some things that maybe do strike your interest, that maybe in some small way does make a moment see some small bit of joy for you Mitch1551.

I hear how tired you are and how exhausted you are and here you can sit with us, knowing we care so much and are here to listen and to put a virtual arm around you.

I really hope to chat to you some more.

Huge hugs

Sarah

Guest9337 · ‎08-07-2021

G'day Mitch1551,

Totally fair and reasonable to not want to feel pain nor fear dying and instead wanting to feel happiness and contentment. ME TOO!

What is contentment for you?

I'm content to be warm, especially warm feet in this cold winter, content to have my computer and writing and being able to share with others on beyondblue.

Losing freedom through being straight jacketed is highly unlikely in our mental health system, but I have been strapped to a bed before and given sedatives by doctors. It is a highly unpleasant experience, avoid it.

At times I am a turtle under a doona with an internet connection. I pull the doona over my shoulder and snuggle into my shell. I'm constrained but still free, it's a nice contented feeling.