How to talk about thoughts of self-harm and maybe death
Hey, first I am safe right now. I am not thinking of things right now, and whenever I have thought about it I haven't gotten close to doing things, I'm able to take a step back and stuff. I could be in a better spot but that's the idea.
So, I have a GP appointment coming up and I know what things I need to say. Namely that I am thinking the things I am, and it's affecting my ability to look after myself, paticularly taking far too much effort to eat food. But the conversation scares me, I had to talk myself out of cancelling yesterday. Doesn't help that I'm so low energy and my GP isn't exactly local. She's a great GP though, I couldn't have imagined telling any of my prior GPs I was feeling this way, and I have seen more than a few gps in these 20ish years. So I shouldn't go to a new one just to not have to deal with a long commute. But yes, I have no idea how to talk to such a supportive GP about this. How do I say things, how am I framing them?
Most google results are how to talk to someone you think is suicidal, not what to do as the suicidal person so I guess I was just hoping for some perspective. Ultimately, if I don't know what I'm doing I can go to my GP and say "hey I don't know how to say this but I'm struggling to eat or see a future". I'm framing this as a question but ig im just hoping someone's able to share their perspective and that might help with nerves.
Also I tried to talk to a friend about this and, well I did everything I could without saying it to check they could have that conversation. But once they knew what it was about they weren't able to be there for me. And, I can accept that I'm just worried about them. I can imagine they don't feel great about having to say "sorry I can't do this" and.. yeah. If anyone has any thoughts on that too. If I can do anything for them.
really struggling again. i was already spending a lot of time in my room because emotions and their ailments, but now I'm actually trapped in here for a week under covid isolation. Have run out of a few medications thanks to that.
Lost another friend the day after my psychologist appointment. They've made a lot of other friends uncomfortable and right now at least all their apologies just lash out more. I wonder if this is how people have seen me? Part of me sees big differences. I'm respecting my former friends wishes and staying out of their lives, this person freely admits the only reason they're giving space rather than forcing their way in to apologise is because they are blocked. And again, their apologies include a lot of blaming other people.
But I still wonder if that's what I look like to someone else. I certainly have gotten things wrong.
I think writing this out is grounding me a bit. Pressure's really getting to me today and nothing else has worked so far. I can feel this wall between me and my feelings, between me and myself. Writing this, I'm feeling some of it
Think I'm ready to cuddle my penguin and cry now. So im going to stop here and do that
I miss her so much
Hello Dear CaramelCrisp,
I’m sorry your doing very well...and you have been stuck in your room....running out of medication is not ideal...It has happened to me before...with me living in an isolated area from major shops I couldn’t get the delivered...Maybe if your chemist does delivers they will do so for you...
Awe I have a unicorn that soaks up my tears when I find myself in emotional tears...I like that you also have something that helps comfort you....
It’s sad when we loose friends...then again I think..are they true friends...because true friends don’t leave us when things get hard for us...they help us....they should be their for us through the good times as well as the hard times...
How did your appointment go with your psychologist?..I do hope it went well...It’s okay to only say what you feel safe telling her...I think in time if a connection is made between you and your psychologist..you might start trusting her enough to open up more....Your in control of what you want or don’t want to talk about...It’s you dear CC that you need to care for...yes even when talking out how your thinking or feeling with your psychologist.....be always very gentle with yourself....
I am sorry I haven’t been around for your last few posts...I have been having trouble finding some quiet time to pop into the forums....and have some chats...tomorrow I should be back home and back to my usual routine the next day....
I am so pleased that you find posting here to be somewhat grounding....getting our thoughts out, whether by talking to someone face to face or writing them out here on these forums is something I do as well...many times over....🙂..it really does help...
Talk here lovely CaramelCrisp, anytime you feel up to it...Here when I can be for you..
My kindest thoughts, with my care and a gentle understanding warm hug....
its always nice to hear from you Grandy, thank you for the reply
im glad you also have the unicorn. my penguin provides lots of support, especially these days.
The psychologist appointment was very helpful. felt very safe talking with her, and i found myself crying a lot as i did with my gp, although able to talk more than I did then. I think as much as I know I should, its hard to feel safe to cry in general. And well, ive lost people who made me feel safe. But I really trust my gp, and I was worried my psychologist wouldn't hear me but they did and I felt super safe with them and I'm glad for that.
Ive been seeing them for quite a while now and they talked to me about who they know me to be. Im not sure how to explain what she said, but it helped a lot to hear. As I try to make sense of what happened, the easiest answer is to blame myself. The psychologist touched on those feelings without me even saying I had them and those words can help me. I can remember them.
We both agreed to move to more frequent appointments, so will talk to them again soon. Which is good. Still hope to have a very difficult conversation about a different topic, whenever im finally ready to do that. You're right, I'm in control of what, and its important to do the best for myself. Thank you for reminding me of that tonight.
Its okay that you've been busy. I hope things settling back to routine will be good for you. And I understand of course that everyone has their own thing going on and yeah. You're here when you can be and no one can expect more than that. If that makes sense.
Thank you again, hugs
We are sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time recently, but we’re glad to hear you feel comfortable and safe with you psychologist. It is important to have someone to talk to and we just wanted to remind you we are there if you need a chat.
You have been doing so well despite all the obstacles thrown your way and we hope you can see that. But we understand that sometimes a cuddle with a penguin and a cry is just what we need.
So, if you need us, we are always here for you. If you feel you need to talk please contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
feeling anxious about study, as mentioned before I've missed classes. I have assignments due soon and I am not confident I can finish them. For one of them I'm missing information I could only get in class, teacher was going to help but cancelled the meeting. But the real problem is I just can't motivate myself. I have started the other assignment, I know what i'm doing. But I spend all day too flat to make the effort, and then last night I had trouble getting to sleep because I started freaking out about it. Did my best to calm down, get in a better mindset and sleep. But it doesn't feel great to have felt so strongly about it last night and be doing nothing again today.
Its just so hard to have passion or energy right now. Its all just disappeared. Maybe losing your favourite people does that.
Doesn't help that my parents are yelling all the time. They were yelling all morning, yelling right now. Yelled the last time I felt able to study until I stopped being able to do work. Sometimes theyre arguing but they also just yell casual conversation at each other. I think they're the major contributer to my more harmful thoughts. Wish I had anywhere else to be.
Hello, its been a minute, sort of. Been posting in the PTSD/Trauma thread as that's been more appropriate to what's been on my mind. But still, doesn't feel like a month since I posted. it doesnt feel like 5-6 months ago that my life fell apart. I don't know how to feel that I will have done so little in half a year. Will that change in the second half? I wonder, but at least try to keep an open mind. If I'm ready, I will. If not, then as long as I continue to look after myself and continue my healing then I shouldn't fault myself for that. It's just hard because, for about a year before things changed I really felt like I was happy, that I was living, that if x day was my last I would be okay with that, but that I wanted as many days as possible.
I don't dream regularly, but for the past few days I've consistently had dreams echoing that time when I was happy. It hurts to wake up and have to remind myself that the stability and comfort and love I had found is gone. Trying harder to accept that those people harmed me and im not to blame for that as I dream of good times with them. And Ive spent all weekend holding back tears, practicing mindfulness, sleeping through the day, wishing I didn't have to wait another week to see my psychologist again.
I made it to uni a fortnight ago, I think that was a triggering experience. Had a psych appt just after that and we talked through some new strategies, but I ended up too sick to make it to uni again last week (my family have been ill too so maybe that wasn't a symptom of my stress/trauma/etc). Other than voting i haven't been out since, and that was short and structured so i dont really feel ive tested those strategies yet. Just been recovering. Guess it's been about a month since i've dealt with harmful thoughts? Time is hard but I didn't post about them so i think it was a few days ago, before the weekend. Doing better now. Just, very sad as I said. Depressed? Not sure, but definitely sad. Will ask myself again later.
Really wishing I could cry. I feel tears well up all the time, I can feel everything going on emotionally, but its all distant and behind a wall. Sometimes music helps, or a few days ago I watched the defunctland series on Jim Henson and once it got to his memorial, especially the "Just one Person" song, then I could cry. Which is something at least.
I try and focus on my feelings, what I've learnt about accepting and understanding them. I spent so long keeping feelings out of reach because it was the only way I knew how to survive things. Guess I've still got a way to go.
Think I got out of the house for the first time in a month a few days ago, still been missing uni but I had an appointment that I managed to make it to. Was as difficult as last time, made sure to journal what I could remember of my thoughts and feelings afterwards this time.
Thank you for this beautiful post - it is remalrkable to read how profoundly you are striving to explore this. That said, we want to honour how hard it can be to take the journey of learning to honour and trust emotions.
Sometimes, those tears really don't come; sometimes nothing makes sense in our emotional need space. In those moments it is so very important for your community (and us!) to remind you how proud we are of for doing so many of the right things! We do genuinely see all your effort CaramelCrisp!
As always, reach out to us anytime if you need to - but we genuinely believe you've got this! You can make this difference, you can be that "Just One Person", and the tears you need will come when its the right time. Remember that learning to accept emotion is sometime accepting they don't need to make sense or be obvious, as long as you are kind to you!
Thank you for your post 😊
It will come CaramelCrisp it will come, once you cry it will flood out and it won’t stop……. It will be your healing starting to take place…… just let it out….
Well done for getting out of the house that’s a huge step ….. everything will come together for you just take it a day at a time.