Hello darkness

[ktac1689]

I haven’t been on here for quite some time, not even to give others support and I apologise for that. Life has just gotten in the way. I have worked so hard on my mental health and recovery and have made a lot of progress and making connections. But the last month or so has been so full on and overwhelming with so many activities vying for my time and attention that I have gotten overwhelmed. And very tired. And once again the thoughts and planning of ending my life started to make a reappearance. I feel like I am not really doing that well at all. I feel like no one really likes me which I know is sooky but that’s what my brain keeps telling me. I feel like I am failing being back at this place again and feeling this way. Life is beautiful and terrible at the same

[white knight]

Hi again ktac1689

I'm really glad you posted. Also no need to apologise for not helping others, there is no expectations here.

8 weeks ago I had a meltdown, the worst since 1996. I walked aimlessly around our town completely destroyed. Then I walked into our health clinic. The best decision I ever made. "Sooky"? no, you arent, you are emotional, sensitive and those two traits are actually amazing positives in any human being. Frankly I couldnt write my beloved poetry without my emotional bipolar side. 

Unfortunately many sensitive, emotional or confused people see their suicidal cstate of mind as a complete negative. The art of positive thinking it to allow your emotions to flow while in a negative frame of mind and allow time to pass when you reach a period of stability- then think positive. This cycle is repeated amny times in our lives, the ebb and flow of life itself can bring us down. Also taking on too much activities can overload us. Slot in periods of self care, relaxation etc. Very important. Get good sleep.

So perhaps its time to renew your situation with suicidal thoughts and I have a little reading below, when you feel up to it. You only need to read the first post of each link.

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/theories-on-suicidal-thoughts/td...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/protection-against-doom-and-gloom/td-p/549245

I'm here daily. Post away, express, go into detail if you please. 

Welcome back

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi ktac1689

It's a truly horrible feeling to be managing, feeling like you're failing. My heart goes out to you as you work so hard to make sense of why you find yourself in that dark place again.

Took me a good few decades to finally work out why I go into lows or depressions time after time. With a whole variety of reasons over the years, what each and everyone of those things had in common was next level challenge. So, it's kind of like graduating through life with some brutal lessons at times. Can take days or sometimes weeks or even months to work out what the heck the depressing challenge is about before I graduate through some mind altering life changing revelation. To have managed getting to where you are, through self understanding and a lot of hard work, you would have graduated a number of times and that's something to be incredibly proud of.

I've found low energy to be a major trigger for depression, for me. Whether I've become thoroughly exhausted through haven taken on too much (especially when it comes to the stressful stuff) or someone's bringing me down or some chemical deficiency's zapping my energy or I'm just not putting enough energy into myself, I seriously don't do down or low energy well at all. I'd say it's like not being able to feel life running through you and that's not a good feeling, that's for sure.

Do you think you've been taking on too much and the scales have finally tipped into the feeling of next to no energy? Do you think you've met with your tolerance levels in regard to just how much you can take on? Are there one or two things you can hand over to others to do, maybe responsibilities that really belong to them to some degree? If you're the 'go to' person for everyone else, do you have anyone in your life you can go to at times? Could there be parts of you in play that are making the internal dialogue feel a little like hell on Earth. I find sometimes when I'm down the people pleaser in me will dictate 'Exhaustion's no excuse, you have to help that person' as opposed to helping myself. The inner critic will point out everything I'm failing to manage well and some really brutal part of me will have me fully convinced how much everyone dislikes me or tolerates me. On the other hand, when I'm grounded or on a high, the go getter in me will enthusiastically declare 'You got this girl. You're a legend'. The sage in me will insist 'To fail at something does not make you a failure. It makes you a student of life' and the intolerant cow in me will demand 'Do not tolerate a damn thing from anyone who's going to put you down, bring you down or keep you down'. When it comes to the many facets that go toward making up who we are, there can be the low vibers and high vibing facets. Next to no energy tends to trigger the low vibing facets, where the inner dialogue tends to become incredibly depressing at times.

[ktac1689]

Hi again White Knight,

Thank you for your reply. I am so sorry to hear you had a melt down but so glad you walked into the health clinic. 

Thank you for giving me a new perspective, the art of positive thinking. Right now I am still in that negative, very negative, frame of mind but hoping when I get to that period of stability again then I can think positive. I haven’t had a chance to click on the links you provided yet but I will. Thank you for posting them. 

I am having trouble thinking beyond the negative right now though. I think I took on too much before I went on leave and overwhelmed myself and didn’t do enough self care. It was almost at the end of my leave before I felt somewhat myself again. Today I got some news though that makes me feel like much of the things I was doing before my leave was for nothing anyway! I won’t go into details but it floored me. I keep wondering if there is any real point to any of this! Thank you for listening/reading. 
Keli. 

[ktac1689]

Hi therising,

Thank you for your reply and your support. It is good to know I am not alone feeling the way I do. The depressing challenges are so hard and feel like next level. It took almost to the end of my two week leave before I started feeling myself again then today some news that revealed that a lot of the stuff that made me so busy before my leave was for nothing anyway and bang back down in that awful place where I feel like there is no point continuing….

Being very tired is a major risk factor for me too and I let myself get way too tired and stressed before going on to my leave lessening the benefits of that too. Yes I definitely took on too much but it was unfortunately unavoidable or rather I didn’t want to let people down and miss opportunities and everything came through at once. Thank you for your suggestions, they were very appreciated. 
Keli 

[white knight]

Remaining positive with any mental or physical health issue all the time is not realistic.

We need to allow our illness to go through their cycles then implement our positive motivations when we are improving, on the up stroke.

Faith has a lot to do with our mentality while in a down spiral. Faith that you will improve and life gets better. Such Faith is very hard to get, I keep saying aloud, it's all ok, a better day tomorrow. 

Last Sunday I was quite down. We hooked up the caravan and drove 30 minutes to the beach, set up and I looked out into the ocean. I turned around and saw a seagull pinch my dogs biscuit I gave her. I couldn't stop laughing.

A change of environment, even a walk around the block can help a lot.

Google- beyond Blue depression- if all else fails- be radical

I hope you're OK

TonyWK 

[therising]

Hi Keli

That sounds incredibly frustrating and disappointing, a lot of that stressful work being for nothing. It's horrible when disappointment becomes a whole new challenge to work with. It can be so tough.

I think one of the hardest things about dealing with disappointment can come down to how many emotions can be involved. With a lot of emotions being invested in an appointed outcome, such as looking forward to future relief on completion, satisfaction, perhaps some joy, a sense of achievement, maybe excitement etc, can be just as many emotions (if not more) when we're disappointed from that outcome or it's disappointed from us in one way or another. Can be a bit of rage thrown in too when there are people who could have helped fulfill that appointment but they didn't or just didn't accept their appointed role in it all to begin with. I've found relationships can be a bit like that. It's like you can appoint your partner the role of 'He/she who will love me and bring me to life in all the ways I really need to be brought to life' but gradually bit by bit they make it clear in one way or another 'It doesn't suit me to love you like that'. Bit by bit they disappoint themself from the role you'd given them. Same goes for a promotion at work, when it comes to feeling let down. You can work your backside off while having been promised a higher appointment (next level promotion), only to find someone else was given the role. Let down, is something that can easily be felt. Down does not feel good to say the least.

If you're in a position to, maybe it might pay to redefine what sick leave means to you. Call it recovery leave. If you need it, take it. Take a week off, whether it's for physical or mental health reasons. Don't let dis-ease become disease. I know, easier said than done in some cases. I think we're conditioned to 'tough it out', the kind of dis-ease that leads our body to call out (with symptoms) in one way or another 'I seriously need a break. I can't keep doing this'.

I've found 'tipping point' to be a hard one to get a feel for at times. It's like just about every part of you says you're approaching it but there's some inner dialogue that dictates 'No, you'll be right. There's stuff that's gotta be done and if you don't do it who's going to. Keep going. Tough it out'. Tipping point and breaking point tend to have the same feel to them. To say they're not nice is an understatement. Regaining a sense of balance in regard to that tipping point means others need to step up sometimes to bring things back into balance for us. How nice would it be to look around and find a lot of people in our life volunteering for that position. You gotta wonder where they are at times.🙂

[ktac1689]

Hi White Knight,

Your story about your trip to the beach and the seagull pinching the dog’s biscuit made me smile too, it sounded like a lovely time. I agree a change in environment can be very helpful and I’m glad your trip to the beach helped you. Being near the ocean usually helps me feel better too. The flowers in my garden do too. I hope you are doing ok. 

I hear ya regarding the cycles and that faith is important when on a down cycle. I usually can get myself out of a down cycle with the strategies I have learned during my psychology sessions but this time has proven to be so much harder. Just as I cycle up a little bit something brings me crashing down again. Depression is a savage beast for sure. I get what you said though about riding the cycles and doing positive motivations when on the upward ones too.

Thank you for your support, it is much appreciated
Keli. 

[ktac1689]

Hi the rising,

Thank you for your reply. The recent events were not so much about the disappointment (although that did definitely play a part) but frustration that I spent so much of my time and effort on things mostly for nothing. Since then I have been trying to work out where to go from here and just can’t really think of anything positive although I am trying to use the strategies that helped after I first posted in this thread. 
The trouble is that I wasn’t so much disappointed that I didn’t get what I worked towards (although one of the things I worked toward did turn out well). It was more the timing of it, I know it sounds a bit cryptic but I am not disclosing anything further in a public forum.

I agree with what you said regarding the mix of emotions involved with disappointment and I did definitely feel some of these especially the rage which was inside me. 

I took some sick leave recently, just a day but that did help somewhat. I have taken a week off in the past when I needed to but right now I am not sure that would help. I know the importance of self care and have been working on trying to lift myself back to where I was before. 

Yes tipping/breaking point does not have a nice sound to it I agree. I was fully at that point before I went on leave and found it very hard to tip that balance back to a more positive direction. I managed to turn away from immediate self destruction but still finding it hard to climb completely out of the hole. 

I hope things are going well for you I really do and you had a good day today. 

[therising]

Hi ktac1689

I think comments like 'Timing is everything', 'It couldn't have come at a worse time' or 'It couldn't have come at a better time' aren't always relatable until they become relatable. When they do, the relationship we have with time becomes more obvious. It's a complex one on occasions, that's for sure, especially when it can be felt in a number of ways.

It's definitely hard work at times, this business called life. Just when you think you've got it worked out, a new challenge comes along. As we rise or graduate to higher levels of understanding (self understanding included), it's like 'I got this. I know how to do this, based on past experience' or 'I can manage this with the skills/techniques/strategies I've adopted over time'. The powers that be can have a different plan which can feel a little like 'Oh, no, not this time sweetie. This is a whole new learning experience for you'. At times we gotta take a holiday from that stuff, some well deserved time off, even if it's just to catch our breath before we dive into that challenge or those challenges, otherwise it can feel like one thing after another with no break.

I think it's the nature of life to have us fluctuating between flying high, being more grounded and at times even under ground or in a depression. Based on experience, over the years I've come to see depression as kind of being like a well (a depression in the ground). Tipping point can feel like teetering on the brink at the top then, once finding our self in that hole, it can be a matter of raising our self out of it or finding people to help raise us. Depending on what led us in, can take weeks, months or even years to find the way out. When that well's tipped sideways, instead of the light being at the top of that vertical tunnel (that hole or depression), it becomes the light at the end of the tunnel. No matter whether the light's at the top or the end, sudden moments of enlightenment bring us closer to the way out of where we can sometimes find our self.