Gambling partner

[Lorenth210]

Hi everyone, I’m here because I have literally no one to talk to. My partner has a gambling addiction and is really abusing me emotionally. I turned from confident and happy woman to a suicidal mess. I don’t have family or friends, literally no one to talk to... and he knows that. I feel like I can’t go any more

[Sophie_M]

Hey Lorenth,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue community and thank you for reaching out tonight. 

We're so sorry to hear how overwhelmed you feel and as though you can't go on. We can hear how much your partner's behaviour is impacting you and can imagine how difficult it must be to manage this situation without much support from friends or family. We're really glad you've come here for support and hope some of our community members can offer their advice. 

It sounds as though you're in an exhausting situation and we would urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in similar situations to yourself. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

Please remember that whenever you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through - you're never alone. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.
 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I do not have any good news I'm afraid, unless you choose to break free from this man and his habits/addiction.

I can tell you a short story-

A lady I know is now 75yo. 29 years ago she met a man that was penniless and she owned her own home. 2 weeks after they started dating he pressed her for money and lost it all, gambling. She nearly broke it all off there and then but he was charming.

Throughout the next 28 years he purchased the best of everything always with her money. In fact last year 2020 she went into an aged care facility as she has parkinsons disease, bad heart etc...for 9 weeks. During that time he convinced her to take out a reverse mortgage on her house to get a new kitchen, driveway and entertainment area. So $80,000 was taken out on high interest loans. You guessed it, when she returned home none of the renovations were done, the $80,000 was gone to gambling (horses, pokies) and finally, all her pension from 9 weeks was also lost.

A few weeks later he got cancer. He promised her no more gambling. He was in charge of the bills as she was too unwell. All the promises meant nothing. He then began to lie about paying the bills, instead he got 3 credit cards (in her name) maxxed out and spent their pensions on gambling.

He passed away last January 2021. The bad debt letters kept coming for 5 months. She sold her house to enter aged care permanently and was $120,000 worse off due to his debts which meant- she was not able to secure a nice aged care room, she had to settle for a shared room.

Her comment to me recently was "I was with him 28 years, it shouldnt have lasted 2 weeks.

I'm sorry to give you only one side of the story. He had a good side in that he raised a foster son for many years. Unfortunately that was overshadowed at his funeral by the hurt he caused.

Sometimes we have to cut our losses. If you choose to, there is a life out there that includes control of your own finances. I know you are alone but you will find friends and feel better once alone. If thats what you choose to do.

Either way we are here for you. Brush those suicidal thoughts away, you have much to live for.

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello Lorenth, can we offer you a warm welcome.

I absolutely sympathise with the lady Tony has mentioned and certainly know what he has said can definitely happen, so please be aware.

If this person is abusing you emotionally for whatever reason, how much he's gambling or wanting money from you and making you feel the way you do, then can I suggest you change the pin numbers on your account, as well as if you have a joint account, freeze it and open up your own account and don't agree to what he may promise or any suggestions proposed by him and it may be advisable to separate from him, depending on the current circumstances, which we'd really like you to inform us.

This will not only allow you to be away from what he's using to gamble but also enable you to seek the help you desperately need.

As I've said please do not allow him to access any of your accounts or sign any documents, proposing any unnecessary work on anything, it's his way of accessing any of your money.

Hope to hear back from you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Lorenth210]

Thank you everyone for your input. I’m still here but struggling everyday. I’ve never felt more manipulated and disrespected in my life. I don’t worry about my finances and I have my own savings he cannot access

He is in control though as we are in a process of a partnership visa and he knows exactly that I am depending on him. He’s turned into a monster the day we applied and my life turned into a nightmare since, I got anxiety and depression and he withdrew from me emotionally.

I don’t know if I can handle my life this way any longer I am barely going through each day. I have no friends and family to speak with. I’m not sure if I can do this any longer but I really appreciate all of your messages

[Sophie_M]

Hey Lorenth,

Thank you so much for keeping us updated on how you're feeling, and we're glad to see that Tony and Geoff have offered their kind advice and support. We can hear how difficult this must be for you to cope with on your own without having family or friends that you can open up to about this, but we'd really urge you to reach out for some extra support. Please know that you are worthy and deserve support through this- no one should ever be made to feel manipulated and disrespected like this. 

We are currently reaching out to you privately via email to check in with you, and we'd also really encourage you to reach out to our friends at 1800RESPECT.  The understanding counsellors have a lot of experience supporting people in your position, and you can contact them anytime by phone on 1800 737 732 or also through webchat if you'd feel more comfortable talking online: https://www.1800respect.org.au/ Our friends at Lifeline (https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat) and Suicide Call Back Service (https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling) also have online chats available to you if you'd prefer to communicate with a counsellor online as a first step. 

We're all here to help you through this Lorenth, and we'd urge you not to give up hope as things really can improve with the right support. 

[geoff]

Hello Lorenth, please don't struggle alone as Sophie has said, we are here if you only want to talk with someone, because we know the more we keep it to ourselves the worse we may feel, so people are here 24/7.

Please take care.

Geoff.