Feeling suicidal off and on
It has been a little while since I have been here. I am generally one step forward two steps back. I am working again and had not disclosed the events of last year or my suicide attempts with anyone there as I do not want them treating me like a freak. I love my job and I think it is one of the few things really keeping me here.
I have a good GP and have had to wait for another psych appointment due to working full time. I have not been feeling well and sleeping a lot of the time when not at work. I have been feeling so irritable a lot of the time too and lost a friend recently because of it.
I still don’t want to be here. I start every week thinking I will end things on the weekend but when the weekend comes I manage to change my plans. This has happened for weeks. I haven’t told anyone about this as I don’t want people to think I am attention seeking or whatever. I do not ever want to go back into hospital either. Is anyone else feeling this way?
You said you are working. Does your employer offer EAP (Assistance Employee Program)? If they do, you can tap into that for free services. They have counsellors, psychologists etc. They usually offer services online, face-to-face for through Zoom etc. EAP is a confidential service, so nothing will get back to your employer. This may help you as an extra resource to use.
Hi, it has been a while since I have been here. Things have been up and down but I feel I have made progress in some respects. I am still seeing a psychologist and doing my best to move forward.
I realised today though that I am never going to be able to get close to people emotionally and am going to feel alone most of the time for the rest of my life. This thought made me feel so empty and that I am not sure I want to live the rest of my life feeling this way. While life can be beautiful, it can really suck too.
I just want to throw this question out there and you do not have to answer it...
what does it look like to you to be close to people emotionally?
I won't comment yet on my own experiences or thoughts in this area just yet. Suffice to say I am still on that journey.
Another thing I do is called binary thinking. Well vs unwell etc. How I deal with this now, is seeing this like a journey to the top of a mountain. The mountain does not have any real height! Everything I go through each day part of the journey to the top of the mountain. In those times I am feeling low, that is going down into a valley and finding another way, an alternative way to the top - even a valley as to end a some point. While I might be worse that I was 2 weeks ago, I might be better than I was same time last year.
For me this allows the possibility of some time reaching the top? vs never reaching.
I can see that see and would have said similar things to yourself. And it took me able to 2+ years with my psych to get to the mountain analogy. Call ne a slow learner. We each have different ways of learning how to cope and deal with challenges.
Thank you smallwolf,
What does it look like for me to be close to people emotionally? It looks like having some people in my life that I can just pick up the phone and call even late at night, and talk about anything and everything. People I am close enough to that I can just drop in to their place sometimes and they can drop in to mine. Feeling like I BELONG in the groups in my life (at least some of them!). Feeling like my opinion matters. Validated. Loved. Wanted. That is what being close looks like to me.
I don’t have any of that really. Yes I have friends but I feel I always have to hold back what I am feeling and I feel like people just tolerate me and put up with me rather than actually want me as part of their lives.
Thank you for sharing your mountain analogy. General challenges I can accept and do so pretty much every day. Not belonging is something I HAVE worked on in so many ways but nothing I try works. Maybe I am just meant to be a loner and I haven’t quite learnt that yet. Maybe that is my mountain to climb and learn to deal with or make peace with at least. I like what you said though, thank you.
I don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t stand the thought of living and never ever fitting in anywhere. It is the one part of my life I just cannot fix
Sorry smallwolf I pushed send before I was ready. I appreciate your kind words and for thinking of me. Thank you again.
I thought though I could get past all this but really I can’t. As I said, the thought of being alone, never fitting in and being an outsider is something many others could live with but I can’t. It is really tough.
Hi, someone once said to me I should just stay a loner, marry another loner and live a loner life.
So I can relate to how harsh that connotation is as it hurts me. I wouldn't accept it either.
Maybe it's not Ur essence? Maybe connections and love are Ur true heart.
I find ACT helpful for this, a value based therapy. I learnt through it that I value closeness and authenticity. I am forever pained by inauthentic relationships and conversations.
I was wandering if Maybe u relate, ktac.
Here to listen.
Hey Sleepy haven’t talked to you for a bit. It is very harsh that someone said to you to live a loner and marry a loner- what an an awful thing to say! And it makes me sad too. I hate being alone, I wish I was a loner and happy with my own company but I am not. Feeling alone makes me feel so sad and hopeless.
I haven’t heard of ACT therapy, DBT I have. ACT sounds awesome. I definitely value closeness and authenticity too. Without it we don’t have anything really. I will check it out. I am doing schema therapy at the moment and it has stirred up a lot of stuff from my childhood. So sad people can be affected by stuff that happened so long ago in their lives.
I am feeling the last few days like I just don’t want to try anymore as nothing is getting any better. Not sure therapy really is doing anything other than stirring things up that maybe shouldn’t be stirred up. It hasn’t helped in regards to relating to people and being able to form friendships etc. Sorry I feel like all I am doing is whining lately but really not feeling it. Feeling like to not be here at all is really a better option. Just how I feel that’s all. Humans are such social animals and without that well we shrivel well at least I do. And I have tried to connect. I hope you are managing to sleepy.
I thought about what you said about someone to talk to late at night.
many thoughts popped not my head. I started watching a show on Netflix starring Christina Applegate and at a group therapy session thing swapped number with another person and were able to do that just what you described. The characters had sleep issues due to things that had happened to them.
It must be quite disheartening to not be able to talk to someone on the phone. Perhaps to vent? Or just chat.
I had also been told not to call anyone after 9pm - it's rude. MANY TIMES. It had to be an emergency after that hour. I suppose that stops me from doing what you want to do. is there anything that stops you?
Hope you are doing OK.
Sorry it has been a while and I haven’t answered. I haven’t felt there is much point in posting. What stops me calling people late at night is that I feel they will be annoyed with me or they will not answer anyway. It really would be lovely to have someone I could call anytime day or night. Probably the last time I had someone like that was when I was in a relationship. I am close to my sister but would never call her in the middle of the night unless it was an emergency. I have friends but I am not really close to many people.