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Feeling suicidal off and on

ktac1689
Community Member

Hi,

It has been a little while since I have been here. I am generally one step forward two steps back. I am working again and had not disclosed the events of last year or my suicide attempts with anyone there as I do not want them treating me like a freak. I love my job and I think it is one of the few things really keeping me here.

I have a good GP and have had to wait for another psych appointment due to working full time. I have not been feeling well and sleeping a lot of the time when not at work. I have been feeling so irritable a lot of the time too and lost a friend recently because of it.

I still don’t want to be here. I start every week thinking I will end things on the weekend but when the weekend comes I manage to change my plans. This has happened for weeks. I haven’t told anyone about this as I don’t want people to think I am attention seeking or whatever. I do not ever want to go back into hospital either. Is anyone else feeling this way?

20 Replies 20

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

yes ktac, recently i feel the same way.

Unlike you, though, I do not love my job.

It is hard to discuss these things with an employer - I'm not sure it's always a good move, although previously I found support from an employer through opening up. Luck of the drawer.
How are u feeling at the moment, inside urself? do u feel this way all day, every day?
happy to listen and share.

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi ktac1689,

We are sorry to hear that you are struggling with these thoughts and we are glad that you are reaching out here on the forums for support. 
We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).


 

Hi Sleepy21,

I opened up to my last employer and I really wish I hadn’t. I won’t do that again. I do agree it is the luck of the draw.
How am I feeling? Ending things is on my mind all the time especially when under stress but I have managed to control the thoughts by putting things off to the weekend. On the weekend I try to put it off to the end of the weekend. Last weekend I almost gave in but obviously managed not to. I feel pretty shit generally.
Thank you for listening, I appreciate it.

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
hi ktac, i'm sorry you are struggling so much, I really feel for u with all u are going through.
I can understand the risks of opening up to an employer.
There is a lot at stake.
I hope u can feel okay and find meaning and feel better. I struggle every day myself.
I am grateful that you're sharing here and happy to listen anytime.

Hi Sleepy21,

I hope you can find some peace too.
ktac

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Ktac and Sleepy, your thoughts are very much appreciated and please realise that we are definitely so sorry these thoughts may keep reoccurring.

Life for all of us is certainly very difficult, especially for those suffering from any mental illness because our thoughts vary from day to day to different levels of severity and from one day only having one reason to the next where several problems constitute our thoughts, but we can't determine what's going to happen tomorrow compared with today.

It's a tricky decision whether or not you tell your employer, one day you may think it's OK but then regret it another day because their attitude has changed regarding work situations and may not be as responsive.

By telling other people is not drawing attention, it's a cry out for help that we desperately are looking for, sometimes, unfortunately, the reaction is not positive, only because some people don't know how to deal with depression, either they've been through it themselves and don't want to travel back through it, or people are frightened as what to say, so they vanish, this is something we never know until we approach the situation.

Remember any friend who does leave may return at some point, simply because they too, have been struck by a mental illness and need advice.

Thankfully, there is a difference between thoughts and actions, things come and go and don't have to be acted on, and it may be something simple that has happened at the weekend that fortunately has changed your mind, that's a belief to keep us going and these need to be written down on some paper so you can show your psychologist at your appointment.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi.

Sorry to hear you are struggling with the suicidal thoughts. For myself the thoughts you speak of are more fleeting than ...

I suppose I have been able to work out ways of dealing with those thoughts. And I will be honest and say that I stumble upon these ideas when chatting with my psychologist. I can share these if you would like me to.

I also want to acknowledge the challenges you faced when telling your employer what you were going through. It is unfortunate some people are unable to understand what another person is going through.

I Hope you are able to find some peace in writing here.

Thank you to Sleepy21, Geoff, small wolf it means a lot that you care. Thank you for your suggestions.
I know thoughts and actions are two different things I really do. Lately though the thoughts are constant and I cannot escape them. I feel like I have to do what the thoughts tell me or I will never have relief from them.
I haven’t seen my psychologist in a while, I had to wait quite a while for an appointment and then when it finally came time I didn’t want to see her anymore.

Hi ktac1689,

Were sorry to hear that you are struggling so much with thoughts of suicide and that the thoughts are so constant. It must be so difficult for you right now, particularly dealing with this without seeing your psychologist for a while.

We have contacted you privately to offer you support and there are other supports for you as well. There is Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

You can also contact Beyond Blue Support Service who are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

You are not alone and the community is here to support you.