Everything feels insurmountable
Everything feels insurmountable. I'm really not sure how to adult and be responsible. I used to be, I think? As I was growing up, I coulda sworn I was driven and determined and wanted to succeed in life.
Then I got 2020'd as did most, but prior to that, since 2017, I had really been struggling. And I wasn't alone. I shared these struggles with my closest, best friend of a girlfriend. She eventually became the mother to my current 3 month old son.
Now, I'm not sure if post-natal depression is playing some big role in all of this, but what I had in mind going into all of this, for months and months, was that I would be a loving, nurturing dad 24/7 for my son.
Instead, I live trapped in this rather ridiculous situation where I must visit my son as though he were like a library check-out system or as though I were visiting someone in prison.
While I am not directly blaming the mother for these issues, I cannot deny that it is rough for me, personally. I am really not dealing with this situation well and it is badly effecting me in more ways than one.
Currently I am in debt to Centrelink, because apparently they paid me too much? Idk how that's my fault/problem? On top of that, my bank is in the negative and I've missed 3 weeks of work due to basically everything feeling completely overwhelming and bullshit and unfair and my god why should I even bother posting this...
Did I bring all of this on myself? Do I deserve this? Did I kick a puppy in my past life or something?
I feel useless and trash at life... How and why do I let so many other people control my life?
Yeah I probably sound crazy at this point with the minimal amount of context... Sorry.
Honestly, I don't really know what to do and have seriously lacked guidance after high school so many years ago. I don't know what I'm doing and I have no idea how to get myself out of this hole that I basically dug myself.
I am sorry to hear how much you have been struggling, it sounds like you are feeling lost at this point in your life and I want you to know that you are not alone in what you are feeling and that these feelings dont have to last forever. You are certainly not crazy in what you are thinking or feeling and please remember that these feelings do not define you as a person or a parent.
We really appreciate your openness and honestly about where you are at and hope that other people might be able to connet with some of these feelings and offer some support.
It sounds like things feel overwhelming at the moment I would recommend getting in touch with a support service like Mensline Australia. It could be a good place to start in terms of figure out what support you can get. Mensline offers free 24/7 telephone counselling support to men around Australia . You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78. It might also be beneficial for you to speak with PANDA National Helpline as they provide support to anyone struggling with Perinatal Anxiety & Depression (Mon to Fri, 9am - 7.30pm) 1300 726 306.
I feel for you so much. It can truly become depressing when everything seems so overwhelming with no obvious way to manage. Before reaching the last paragraph of your post, I thought there sounds like a lack of positive guidance, which is something I can relate to in the earlier part of my life. If anyone was to ever say to me 'But you're an adult, you should be able to take responsibility for your own life (self guide)', my response would be firstly 'Yep, thanks for that management plan' and secondly 'Why do you think support groups and therapists exist. For a solid sense of support and guidance'. I see Sophie has thoughtfully given you some support and guidance to consider in your way forward.
I imagine you'd agree that we can be given a lot of basic guidance when we're growing up. Basic definitely doesn't help much with the more complex aspects of life. Basic doesn't cover how to get through the overwhelming challenges. Basic doesn't cover emotional impact when it comes to navigating life and how these emotions can lead us to places we never once thought we'd end up. Basic doesn't cover what true self esteem is really all about and how it impacts perception and life management. The list goes on. So, it's kinda like you're left winging your way through life until it feels like something or someone has just clipped your wings. As a mum who experienced depression for around 15 years in the earlier part of my life, I do not raise my kids basically, as I know this can lead to mental health issues.
I know it sounds a little crazy but a breakdown can actually be a constructive thing. Before re-constructing, it's human nature to deconstruct the challenges that have built up over time. From my own experience, the breakdown is a deconstruction of all that's mounted up. I can see you've already done this to some degree, specifically identifying a number of issues. Out of all the issues would you say the most significant one to start with is mental health and guidance? Greater mental health and guidance is what changes perception. So, what looked like an unsolvable and unmanageable challenge becomes clearer and more manageable. From my experience, it doesn't matter how many challenges are going on around me, it's my perception of them which can be the #1 issue to address.
We're often raised with faults in our foundations, something not realised until the cracks begin to show. Identifying what those faults are becomes mind altering, in a good way.