Chronic ideation

[M2]

Hi,

Hopefully I'm within guidelines, let me know if not!

So I've always struggled with anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation. The three things are almost like domino's, anxiety leading to depression to ideation, quite quickly.

I finally had enough mid year and went to the GP and was put on SSRI. it helped a lot for months. Sadly, the crazy season tipped me over the edge and I feel hard.

Interestingly, the warning sign for me is the prevalence of suicidal ideation that occurs. Those thoughts are always there (even when I'm relatively happy) but the thoughts are coming thick and fast now. I won't go into detail, but it is always the same mechanism of death, over and over and over.

Last night I almost fell into old habits and called someone to stay using again (it has been a decade). The motivation for this was extremely scary, and holding back was hard. I woke up this morning again in a bad state (though better than yesterday).

Does anyone have any advice on pushing through this? I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Thanks

[Truc]

Hi M2

Before I got slightly addicted to some drugs and also had depression before, so I hope my story could help you a little bit. Before, I did not have many friends when I moved into a new environment, it is hard for me to make friends because I am an introvert, therefore I drank beer, drinking helped me to have more courage to go to talk with others as comfortably as I want, however, of course drinking too much would not be good for sure, I got hangover and my work life, relationship...etc had been going down hill, so I decided to stop because I know drinking is a solution for a superficial cause, the root behind is I am an introvert, so if I want to make friends I should go find someone who may have similar characters to me and also learn from others even they are introverts or extroverts, people are nice to teach us and tell us what they know, so by that way I can make friends easier, and friends are not everything, I find to have a hobby, I would say a healthy hobby, what do I mean by that ? A healthy hobby could bring you joy, happiness, meaning, value... Such as photography which would break our ruminating thoughts especially negative thoughts. And by this way, I am able to avoid the drinking addiction as well. I think if we rely on something too much, we tend to get addicted, and without it, the symptoms may get worse I ssuppose. Im not sure about others, but I think we all have an addiction, thinking negative is also a mental addiction in my perspective, so why dont we choose another healthy addiction anyways? . i hope it is helpful.

[M2]

I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. In some ways that in itself is helpful.

Some context (stop me if this gets boring): I run a lot r (to get tired, mainly to avoid anxiety), I have many friends, a family, kids, wife, an excellent job (although it does with a lot of responsibility and therefore stress), I write, read, socialise, I live a busy life, there is just something "broken" in me.

The drugs thing... many years ago I got caught up with a specific drug. It is a long story and something I have overcome. Iast night wasn't a need to get high.

My wife is very supportive, I just wish I could push through and get to the other side happy and carefree.

[Croix]

Dear M2~

Nice to talk with you again, even if under these circumstances. Seeing you making use of us as a resource when in need is good for us as well as (hopefully) you. I am impressed you resisted the temptation to use drugs to try to cope -that was brave and showed strenght -as does your being clean for 10 years. Very impressed.

I'm also gladdened you have someone there to support you and that you talk with her. Again brave to open up, and sensible.

I too had a specific method to kill myself in mind, at times it was almost like it was drawing me closer, and like you have bursts of depression plus anxiety

I found there was no way I could get out of it myself, unlike you I did not confide in my partner for a very long tme and was not been treated for the things I needed as I was very reticent with my succession of GPs too.

Eventually it did all come to a head and I ended up with an excellent GP who could see my condition was beyond his ability to treat effectively so worked in conjunction with a psychiatrist. Things improved, my thoughts of suicide receded and became less powerful and over tme I was able to have happiness in my life.

It's pretty obvious that your current treatment is no longer effective and you are entering the same dangerous and unhappy life you had before.

May I suggest you have an extended consultation wiht oyur GP, lay out hte facts including those thoughts of taking your life (hard to do that, I know) . Then discuss options, with perhaps the preferred one you are referred to a psychologist or psychiatrist who tends to specialize in suicidal ideation, review you medication between them and see what happens.

Just at the start that may only be hope, but even that is an improvement. Constant feedback is essential, if local professionals can only see you one every couple of months then if it was me I'd investigate tele-health.

There is another side to get to, I'm there and although not quite symptom free(they are pretty much controlled) have a good life wiht ability, satisfaction, able to receive and give support and love.

I hpe to talk with you some more.

Croix

[M2]

Thanks for the kind response and advice, Croix. It means a lot!!!

[Croix]

Dear M2~

Relying upon hte frequency of thoghts about taking you life does not strike me as a particularly good way of self-assessment - it's driving way too close to the edge. you used to see movies with rope bridges across ravines (pretty sure Harrison Ford Was in a couple, then you's see hte rope start to fray. Could be most unlucky.

Actually it is a problem I've had to face, as have many others. I use a safety plan called a "Wellness Recovery Action Plan" or W.R.A.P.

https://mentalhealthrecovery.com/
(pay-for though cheap or find one free on the web like I did)

It has sections in it for how you feel and behave from normal life to crisis, and also has what other people say at each stage, so it is not entirely subjective. If I start to go down I have a set of dos/don't do's for each section, up to crisis level where I switch over to the free smartphone app BeyondNow

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

It does not take you as close to the edge as you can take action early.

As you can see lots of problems are common to many of us

Croix

[M2]

Thanks, I'll take a look.

The rope bridge analogy is apt. 

Probably more something for the depression forum, but the most bizarre thing for me is that I cannot point to the source of my unhappiness. I plan to call my GPs centre today (she is on leave but any gp will do right now)

[Croix]

Dear M2~

I wish it was as simple as identifying a source and going from there. I have a feeling a lot of the time this is not possible (or only partly so) and other approaches have to be taken. That is not to say there is no hope, just several different ways of accomplishing the same thing.

Mine was easy to establish at it involved duties and events in the police, for others it is more obscure.

With the rope bridge, Harrison always gets safely across just as it breaks, I'm not sure that corresponds with real life though 🙂

Croix

[M2]

I think having something concrete to point at would help immensely. Instead, I describe my anxiety as one worry being replaced with another when it is resolved, like water filling in the void, another concern fills its place.

The cause of depression is even less obvious, I cannot tell you a single reason why I should be feeling this way right now, but the doesn't lessen the impact and severity of it. If anything it adds to the despair, given the lack of clarity (and long history) imply no relief in sight.

The rope bridge is untangling fast, but it isn't my first one, I'm sure I'll be fine, i just wish I could somehow be better prepared for the next one

[Croix]

Dear M2

I've often felt htat my brain wishes to worry, and then simply picks on something, and if I get over that it picks on something else, sort of until a daily quota of worry is met.

Hope that makes some sort of sense.

As for having something concrete to point to, maybe that might help, I do thing having a set of ore-planed actions to take when worry or depression descends. That is why I use a WRAP plan, it gives you Ind a trusted other too if you can) a replete of what to do as you ascertain the severity of the attack.

Sort of life boat drill in a cruise ship 🙂 Actually I'd not be surprised if you could not pick up a cruise ship at again basement prices ATM.

To be serious for a moment it gives you things to do that you thought up before, no brain power involved when you are in distress.

Rope bridges were always meant to be overcome, they were a classic cliff-hanger to end a Saturday Movie Serial in the 30's and 40's, drawing the audience back for the following week.

Maybe in time a skillful therapist will uncover early problems (provided you are strait with them, something that took me a long time).

Croix