Support

[Blondee71]

How can you convince people that the things you mention to help you heal are serious requests? They’re all down for “what can I do to help?”, but when you mention small things they either mock or ignore? How am I supposed to get well@?…

[Sasuke]

From my personal experience, some tips I found useful were:

1. Having a private space to discuss this 

2. Preface the conversation by stating that this is something you feel would be good for your healing process and that you hope that they will take it seriously

3. When others do reach out and help, show that their efforts are appreciated

And finally if people around you are mocking or ignoring your requests reaching out to them, perhaps it would be good to reach out to other people you feel might be able to accommodate more 

[Blondee71]

One of the main ones is my partner…and is also a large majority of why I feel like I do 😢

[Sasuke]

Hi Blondee71,

That does make it quite tricky. It is very hard when you have mustered up the courage to ask for help but your loved one being unsupportive. I was in a similar situation sometime ago, and my partner was initially more flippant about the situation but fortunately at a certain point they realised that they were actually the ones holding me back.

I think being able to be honest and raw with your partner to make them realise that their input is essential for your recovery is definitely key. If a third party for example your family or friends who understand and support you are able to intervene and talk to your partner, that would be great.

Otherwise if your partner isn't able to provide that for you, perhaps reach out to your other loved ones for support.

Hope this helps

[Fiatlux]

Hi Blondee71,

Hope you are doing well today. 

So sorry that you are going through this.

I honestly don’t know if intimate partners are any help with healing. I know mine certainly isn’t as he is the cause of most of my trauma. I don’t know anything about your personal situation and experience.

Have you tried putting something in writing to him, that’s if you feel comfortable sharing it with him. My husband has read some of my writings but he doesn’t like to acknowledge that he is my abuser. He gets defensive and starts shifting the blame onto me.

There are books and podcasts on how partners can be supportive of you while you are trying to get well. It’s a suggestion, but search for something that you can share with your partner. The mocking is so hurtful. I have been there before.

Take care of yourself and stay in touch. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[therising]

Hi Blondee71

It can be so incredibly frustrating when our partner happens to be one of the people who makes things more challenging with our mental health. I feel for you so much as you face this challenge, one that involves your partner, your well being and your evolution.

It can definitely pay to have other people in our life, besides our partner. I think while our partner can raise us in some ways, they're not necessarily going to help raise us or bring out the best in us in other ways that really count. This can involve some disappointment. In having better defined 'disappointment', I find it comes down to certain roles we appoint people. For example, if I'm going to appoint my husband as one of the people who constructively helps me move through depressing periods in my life, I'll often find him dis-appointing himself from that role (consciously or subconsciously) and that's something that I can feel. On the other hand, both my kids and a few others in my life are brilliant at filling that role. With my 18yo son and 21yo daughter, not only are they naturally wonderful (full of wonder), they're also sensitive, open minded, love a bit of a mystery/challenge and they enjoy raising people. If I was to say 'I don't know why I can feel myself heading into a depression', bamm, they're on the case. They'll begin to wonder while trying to gain a better sense of what may be bringing me down. They'll open their minds, consider some of the possible culprits and occasionally solve the depressing mystery. They raise me to become more conscious of what I wasn't conscious of. 

I can relate to the mocking and ignorance. When our partner finds some of our depressing or anxiety inducing issues laughable, it can be incredibly painful and highly questionable. You gotta wonder what sane person laughs at someone else's sense of sufferance. I've had moments where I've said to my husband, when he's found some of my issues amusing, 'While I may be depressed, you on the other hand are obviously insane' 😁. The ignorance (ignoring an issue) is a whole other thing. I've come to realise a lot of the ignorance/ignoring comes down to not wanting to face the challenge. Either it's too uncomfortable for them to face, too much hard work or they don't see the issue as being something worth giving all that much time and attention to. I can still remember the very moment I finally woke up to this, about 2 years ago. It was a powerful and liberating revelation. It was a moment when my husband asked me 'Are you okay?', to which I responded 'No, I can feel myself heading into a depression'. His response was 'It upsets me to hear that because I love you so much. It really upsets me' and then he walked off, all upset. What the?! I'd never noticed before that moment that he was in the habit of doing this. Technically, this is called 'Someone leaving you alone to wonder, question and feel depressed, while they go off to feel better about the situation'. He's not a bad guy, don't get me wrong. He's just someone who prefers not to dive into the waters of emotional challenge. My kids are deep divers, often in search of answers and pearls of wisdom. I've found there are also lots of deep divers on the forums here, those willing to dive with us in search of answers and ways of evolving. ❤️