Intervention from the outside - clinical depression

[brobej15]

The last few months have been a nightmare. For someone like me, a fairly jovial and outgoing person to go through the last few months was unfair. Life is a learning curve for those who were meant to do more!I think it's time I just became honest.In the past few months ...

- my 4 year long-term relationship ended
- I began the last practicum and internship for my Education degree, and completed it
- I moved house (back into my parent's house)
- lost my independence
- I lost transportation
- I've been in and out of the state
- I quit my job
- The environment I build, socially, within the work that I was doing collapsed and I left
- I started anti-depressants
- I now have clinical depression...

Getting out of bed everyday is a struggle for those who are suffering with depression. Something that many people might take for granted. It's harder when those people don't seek help. I really struggled and hated that I was around people in that state. I felt like I was just in a glaze and the world just turned regardless whether I was active in it or not. In reality, it does. 

Sometimes life tells us to slow down, take time to break and step off the treadmill a bit. There's no way none of the things above would have left a person normal. I understand that now. It's ok for me to go through tough times, dark times, sad times. It's ok for my to grieve, to detach, to start new things.It's time I start to gain my life again. 

For a time I felt like I didn't, I was doing things because they had to be done. I wasn't feeling like I was living. I felt like I could have been doing more things for others and for myself.After all that went on, I did find light. I found out what my calling really was - to teach kids. To service them and to give my all into what a teacher really is. I know deep down that's my passion, which a lot of the time being depressed, I forget.I found out who my true friends are, who are really there thinking of me, who are there because they want to spend time with me and realise I'm going through a tough time in life and stick by without hesitation. These people deserve the good things in my life to come! It's a blessing to know who in life is really there, not just for the drama.It's one thing to come to the realisation that you need help, it's another to go out there and seek it. I was so lost, I needed someone else to step in. I needed someone/thing to try and get me out of whatever dark life I would be living.

Self-pity, wallowing and a life full of doubt isn't something I wanted to tuck away for another few years, waiting for it to surface again. I now know that I have to tackle it now and close that book. Some people don't even find that and continue to life life, in a roundabout, going through the same thing every now and again and can't get higher.I have baggage I have to deal with. I have a lot. I now feel like I'm a better person for allowing myself to deal with it, move on and let go. Deal with it, rather than hiding or running away from it.

One thing that I have learnt, is that it's ok to do what is best for you!! This is the thing that's slowly getting me out. I know that the pills are working. Everyday I feel the side-effects but I'm also getting out of bed. It's ok that I'm not well. I don't have to always be 'well' in life. Everyone has moments and this is just one of mine. I hope to get through it learning what I need to learn, understanding how I cope, working through my issues and learning to then move forward.There was a time where I couldn't even talk to anyone about anything. I stopped talking to people I normally did. I stopped being honest. I started to lie to everyone. I hate that. I've never been like that. 

Depression makes you a person that you don't want to be. It made me not want to be me. I thought I was doing well and all of a sudden everything slipped away. I lost control of my own emotions, my thoughts and my head got the better of me. The mind is such a powerful force, I just let it soak the negative things that were happening and everything that was dark in my thoughts.I'm young and and I need to start facing what life has out there for me. I will beat this moment! I will beat the situation I'm in. I will beat being negative...

[geoff]

dear Brobe, well I would to welcome you on board to this fascinating site, where people struggle with their own depression, and try and learn on how to overcome this awful illness.

I would really like to know what age group you fall in, because your post is such an inspiring one, and can show that depression can be overcome, and that life afterwards does exist, however this is so difficult for each individual to actually believe that this debilitating disease can be fought and won, and I was in exactly the same situation as them, never believing this to be true, but now I won my battle, and all I want to do now is to guide these people into understanding that there is light at the end of this horrible tunnel, and that their demons are what we all know can exist.

Some people are unfortunately trying to deal with own depression while in fact they offer so much help to others, which indeed is just so caring and helpful and actually do align themselves with certain other people, and I really believe that this is good, or perhaps several others, they need to feel as they are wanted no matter how hard it is for them, and that we have been through the same horrors ourselves, so we can relate back to them, and that's what they need to know, and it's so very important.

Everything you have said in your last paragraph is so true, but can I say that you have to be able to be at this stage in your life, to be able to tackle your depression, however there are many others who are no where near this, so we have to convince, let them understand that they can be where you are now, but it's not an easy road for them.

I do hope that you can continue on with us, and hope that you can reply back to us. Geoff.

[brobej15]

Thanks Geoff,

I'm 24. I've had a very rough few years since I finished high school and it's all built up to the last few months - years later. I understand that there are a lot of people who are in more difficult situations. I know that there are a lot of people who may not see a light at all, that hopelessness is what they have and I hated that feeling. I'm not saying I'm completely out of the blue just yet, but I am at a stage where I have seen a glowing light, and I just hope it keeps getting stronger and stronger. 

My hope in telling my story is that people can work towards coming out of it, and that sometimes, it really is help from others - despite feeling that it's not there or that they won't help - that might get them through it. 

I know that in my case, I really felt like my world just crumbled, I didn't know what to do being at such a standstill. I work hard in life and worked hard for what I had, then it all fell apart. I found I left myself from day to day life. It just wasn't me. I didn't know who I was anymore. Losing myself was what drove me to call someone. I called Lifeline and from then, they guided me to other people and initiatives that could help. I am lucky that even though I'm going through depression, I realised that I need help. I wanted to get better. I really feel for those who may not think that things will get better. They do, slowly, not instantaneously, but through time, hard work, and being kind to yourself. I'm not out of depression yet, I feel I have a long way to go to really deal with everything but it will definitely take time. 

Owning my life is the goal and being the person I was again - person I was working towards, will get me through it. 

[geoff]

dear Brobe, I have to say that you are a very mature 24 year old chap, for someone to deal with a 4 year relationship break up, lost your independance and all the other negatives in your life, but then to complete your degree, I must take my hat off to you.

I certainly do believe that when ever anyone who has had depression and fighting to overcome it, does become a new person, in that they understand what other people are going through, especially kids at a school, who tend to be silent about what is happening in their home situation, and then don't know how to raise this problem or who to trust, so that there are indicators these kids show, which mean that something is wrong, so a person like you can detect these signs, and then offer help to them.

Why, well that's simple, because you have now developed a new strength, one which you didn't have before, so in actual fact depression is a learning curve, but it takes a lot of pain, anger ,frustration, annoyance and always searching for answers to be able to get there, and along with this is plenty of heartbreak, and a loss of what we never wished would happen.

It has taken me a long time to be where I am at now, so at 59 years old a lot of my life has been wiped away, which I can never get back, and probably don't want back, plus there are too many unresolved problems that now I have decided to just forget about, I can never sort them out, and if I tried, then I would be back with depression, and this I don't want.

Sure I may have a relapse which I did last year, but I knew that I would get better in a day or so, and that's what happened.

Your story would be of great benefit to those that never believe that there is light at the end of tunnel, I never thought there was, but here I am.

It is a long road for many people but stories like this will encourage them that there is hope. Geoff.

[brobej15]

Thanks Geoff!

I must have given off the impression I am a boy, I am a girl. Thank you for replying, you're definitely right, I have had a lot more attention towards the signs that could be happening to the students I teach, especially in high school where there's all sorts of situations that could come up. I'm glad I am going through this learning curve, it's just experience and knowledge I can pass on and hope to become a better teacher in the future. 

I know for someone that's young, I have had a lot go on. Whatever comes my way now I hope I can tackle with more resilience and a positive attitude. I hate that I'm depressed, I guess everyone would. I don't think anyone would like to be depressed at all! 

I just made a small decision to cut away triggers until I can figure my life out. I have nothing stopping me at the moment from being a new person and hopefully that the new person will be able to face challenges ahead a lot better than the old self. I guess it's just part of me actually growing up and maturing. Sometimes it is hard when my friends aren't at the same level but I've learnt to keep in company that are at the same level and are even able to help. 

Its good that you have realised that there are problems that just need to be forgotten. Sometimes I feel like it's just organising our demons into folders, things we deal with and things we don't and shred.

I hope that someone like me reads my story in hope that it may not be today it gets better, but with small, steady steps and a lot of time, things will get better. 

I don't want to relapse, I hope to just get myself sorted so that I can prevent it in the future. 

B

[geoff]

dear Brobe, my absolute apologies to you, and I can't say how sorry I am for getting this wrong, so please forgive me a million times.

I really do like your post so much, as it's an enormous boost to those still suffering, and I really hope that you can stay with us.

And again I am just so sorry to you, it's an insult truly NOT worthy for you, as you are a young inspiration to this site. L Geoff. x

[Mares73]

Dear Brobe thank you for sharing your inspirational story. In my last post which I don't think he has read yet, I posed some questions for Geoff. I do everything I can to fight this illness but I have questions about remission & recovery. I won't go into my whole story except to mention 3 defining experience so that my Psych believes I have PTSD, severe depression & anxiety as a result of. I was abused by my Dad for years & as a result had betwetting. My parents put me on antidepressants at aged 8 & I still find it hard to believe my mother never questioned this given that shortly later my English teacher asked to see me about a story I'd written. She said to me "your the girl in their story aren't you?". I broke down & told her of my Dad's abuse. I thought it would stay a secret. The next day I'm called to the Principals office & felt sick when I saw my parents sitting there. Although he was an alcoholic & out of it most of them time-he could also put the charm factor on when needed. I sat there so so humiliated as the Principal said what loving parents I had & they had told her I makeup stories & this time they said I'd obviously made up a bad story as I was probably behind in my homework. Anyway we get home & the topic is never raised again but my father punished me in the sick ways he knew. At age 12 I ran away to stay with the schools Priest hoping for help & advice. But locked in a room I endured a night of horrific abuse. At aged 19 I met someone & had told myself I would stick with the first person who liked me. So despite my tears the night before I went ahead & got married at 19 & remain with the same person til this day-20 years of marriage to escape pain & go on to experience other sources of pain. 2 yes ago I was sexually assaulted by a stranger while in hospital grounds at night. That was the final straw in breaking me. All my life I'd been told how strong I was, and I was a high achiever & a perfectionist. My husband also got acute leukemia last year & 5yr prognosis maximum. With 2 kids I gave up work. My husband is now bk at work & I spend my days lonely & isolated without purpose. I never ever would have predicted I'd be someone with depression. I'm even defined as "treatment resistant" given the amt of meds I've tried. But my psych recently added a stimulant med so I'm hoping that will help. I guess I wonder if there's a "type" of personality that can recover & another "type" that depression will always be part of their lives? I'd do anything to feel hope again & a chance at living rather than existing. My Psych says I'll always have PTSD & will always need to be vigilant given I have very poor selfesteem, lack of hope & an awful lot of guilt & shame. I'm interested if you had triggers for your depression & whether without them the depression could lift? Geoff I've got some questions for you in my most recent post. I admire & thank you for sharing your story. Can I ask what do you think was the biggest factor/s in helping your recovery? Hope to hear soon, Lve Mares x

[brobej15]

Hi Mares

Thank you for finding some light in what I have gone through. I suppose one thing I have understood is that it's different for everyone and for me, your story has absolutely been heartfelt. I truly feel for what you are going through and wish that I could pour help over it all! 

I can definitely relate to PTSD - my father, who I am thankful for having a loving and a very close relationship with - passed away when I was 19 and I went through depression but I didn't seek help. A couple of months after he passed away, I lost my two jobs, failing uni and it all hit me. For 3 months I went in and out of my bedroom, lying to everyone and just hiding away. No one knew, not even my mother who was I was living with. I just lied to her about everything. In hindsight, I wish I did something then, knowing that clearly I was grieving in an alarming way. I spoke briefly to a psychologist a couple of years after that and she said that I would definitely have suffered PTSD and it takes time for it to sink in, so even though it was months after my father had died, I only dealt with it when I was ready do I suppose. 

Your story makes my heart sink Mares, I wish I could help in some way. All those things would have been very traumatic and a lot of it, by the sound of things would have snowballed from the past experiences you would have had. 

I am glad to hear that you have taken up intervention from your doctors and professionals. I guess one part of myself that still was ok was my ability to ask for help. I didn't ask for help from anyone else though until the day I woke up and realised that there was something not right, something I knew I couldn't face with just a supportive network and positivity. So the day I called Lifeline, I knew intervention from somewhere else had to happen. I didn't want to deal with my own life anymore, I wanted someone else to. It may not be their responsibility but I had to throw in the towel for a little while. I knew I needed rest - enough of everything losing control. 

I don't think I'm fully recovered, far from it, but I know I am slowly getting myself out of it. I am reading a lot of what other people are going through, doing small things and being kind to myself. It sounds like you're like me - always doing things for others and not being kind to ourselves! 

We're allowed to be selfish with depression. It's our own battle and I hate using the word selfish - but I know that I have to look after me first. No matter how small it is - one of the first days I started to do things besides lie in bed, I read 4 pages of a book. I didn't push myself. It was just so small. But that got me through that day. I hate that feeling of just 'existing'. I know that feeling. I guess deep down, I don't want to loose hope - that I'm meant for something else. I'm meant for something that's completely different to all the struggles I've had to go through. 

The hard thing is saying no to the bad stuff and opening up your heart to the good stuff. There's been so many times in my life where I felt I had worked hard, become a good person, and all of a sudden life turns dark. That's when I start to think about bricks to build to protect myself, if that makes sense. 

One of the biggest factors I think that will help me really get through this, is knowing what my passion is in life - what fuels my heart and fills it with elation. For me, that's being in a classroom, being in front of 20 or so students and learning about life together. That's what excites me. Find a small drive that will pull you through, make it strong, even if you don't know what it is, take the time to look for it, I don't think there's an age limit to finding the passion within. I'm not a professional but I know that even though I'm having a hard time finding a job and being unemployed - I know that deep down I want to teach. That's what I'm meant to do in life right now.

Another thing I did, because the people and environment that my part time job entailed - I would see the same faces day in day out/have to socialise with them and put on a brave face... I stopped. I quit the job, I couldn't see the same people, lie about how I was going, fearful that my ex would turn up, have mental breakdowns at work, feel watched - I distanced myself from everything, social media, the places I worked, people I saw every week.  I kept the people around me that were willing to help. I knew they were the ones I had to spend time on, regardless. I had to say no to my old life. I had to. It's the first time in my life, I hadn't been an open book about everything. 

I really do hope that things change for you Mares, you sound too strong to let it get you! Keep talking to the people on the forum, me, if you need a little boost - even though I am going through it too - sharing helps! 

B x

[brobej15]

Hi Geoff! 

That's quiet alright! No insult or anything taken. If anything it's made me feel good that others think there's meaning in my story. I've never been that honest with it all until I wrote it on the forum. It's helped a lot knowing that there is a place for people who are going through it. I know though that it took me a while to seek help. I was facing it on my own for a few weeks and now I feel like I can share my experience a lot more.

The person that I normally am is very bubbly and outgoing and it goes to show that it can happen to ANYONE! No matter who it is, no matter who you think may or may not be going through it. One day, i'll be honest about what's been happening to me for the last few months - to those I know who care but haven't been around, but I hope that I do help someone, no matter how little! 

Cheers Geoff!

[geoff]

dear Brobe, can I ask you a question first before I reply to Mares.

I am just wondering why these people you know haven't been around to see you, and without any prejudice, when we talk to people we do know about our depression they normally buzz off, and we don't see them again, I hope that this doesn't happen with you.

Dear Mares, can you direct me to the name of the post in which you have ask me the questions. Thanks L Geoff. x