Inner critic struggle daily

[jackinthebox87]

Hi all and thank you in advance for replies. I'm in my 40s and have battled a life of a strong inner critic to a point now where I simply just struggle to live each day without feeling hard on myself. I've had this weird habit for so many years where I journal a page

or so and talk about how I'm going to make some changes and find inner peace. Then in a day or two I feel down for whatever reason and end up throwing away the journal and starting again and then repeat. I definitely had a strict father and have problems because of this but wish I could just break the cycle and get through each day and keep going. I've made so many stupid mistakes in my life and done plenty of bad things just to help numb the emotional pain and it just makes everything worse. I wish I could just have a fresh start but this is not possible. I've had plenty of times where I've had suicidal thoughts but I guess I'm a fighter and still here. It's hard to explain and weird but hoping someone has some similarities or solutions because I've tried so many things. Thanks again.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sorry to hear this. I have had a similar experience when my 1st marriage broke down. My self esteem was at an all time low and I'd tried suicide the week before I left the house forever. I punished myself for several days even though logic told me that my ex was abusive and narcissistic.

So I embarked on a self help program. I was living in a small caravan in a caravan park, each day sometime twice a day I'd look into the mirror and say in a normal voice "you are a good man Tony, you deserve love and you deserve to receive love." 

After about 8 weeks I began to feel good and embarked upon building my own kit home a real challenge as I wasnt a builder, such a project, once finished gave me an enormous boost in confidence.

So, it might not be the golden cure but self help is extremely important in the process of ridding yourself from this uncontrollable problem.

Acceptance of ourselves for the mistakes we have made in the past particularly when young is also hard to erase. Dwelling on them is a real issue for some and I've had to ask friends what they would have done in my case to find our what is "normal" and use them as my goal/yardstick. eg I assaulted a friend when 18yo and I'm now 68yo. In 2013 I found the guy on Facebook and sent him a message of another, my third, apology. That was 39 years after the incident!! So all my friends had told me they would have forgotten about it after the first apology and "why beat yourself up over these little issues"?. Only then did I realise I was paranoid. 

Have you seen your GP? Thats a good start. 

I've got some threads below, you only need to read the first post of each. Reply anytime

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk/td-p/43088

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/vulnerable-dwelling-unprotected/td-p/282933

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical/td-p/47...

Feel free if you feel you want to repost ongoing.

TonyWK