How to start again?

Fallen_apart · ‎28-08-2018

How do you find some direction and purpose in life after it all crumbles?

Had a decent life up till a couple of years ago, mid 30s, job, Mrs, home etc about to get married have kids etc. Kept my anxiety and depression under control for the most part without a Doctor.

Hurt my back, lost my job, career, my grip on my mental health, my fiancé and future and feels like pretty much my entire identity, and it all seemed to escalate with each different class of meds my doctor tried over two years.

I am stuck in a cycle of depression and anxiety and a crippling loneliness that prevents me even thinking of anything that I could want/hope/dream/plan/think/do/enjoy.

Everything I worked towards was stripped away and I can't even daydream about any sort of future beyond this. Its almost a year on my own and I can't see a way forwards.

A lot of people laugh I know I should have it relatively easy- single guy, no kids, still got a house so far, don't drink or do crack.

But iv lost my purpose and identity. How do I find that again when I don't even know what it is?

Croix · ‎28-08-2018

Dear Fallen apart~

I'm sorry to hear what has happened to you, life at times can be very unfair and losses such as you describe are absolutely shattering - even without the added burdens of depression and anxiety.

May I ask if your back has improved? You mentioned being alone, do you have parents. siblings or other family or friends you can be with at times?

Under these circumstances I guess most people would be struck to know how to move forward. I too was in the same frame of mind having been invalided out of my vocation with no prospects.

In time my life did improve, but it was not by having a grand plan, more a matter of coincidence. I was eventually persuaded to take a course of study which in time led to occupation in an area I'd never considered. Quite a surprise, another surprise being to look at myself and see how much I'd improved without really realizing it.

Please don't think I'm suggesting study is the answer - though I guess it might be one. More that you don't have to see the destination and aim for it, just try for things you enjoy or interest you and see where that leads.

You can do some things like I did that do help, and getting medical support, particularly with the depression and anxiety, is time and effort well spent. I simply got worse until I did this. Mind you it took a long time to find the right treatment, but eventually I got there.

Not drinking or doing drugs is a real bonus, it is a trap hat has caught many. You are still the same person inside you always were - something I found hard to remember. You still have the abilities that made your employment a success and now you would agree you have more insight into the qualities you need in a partner, and maybe more about relationships in general.

A new life can start unrealized from little things, what have you enjoyed in the past?

Croix

Racingmind123 · ‎29-08-2018

Hi, Just wanting to follow this thread as I'm currently in the same boat. Early 30's, was about to have a fiance, a puppy, the house, marriage, kids and its just been stripped from me. I'm severely struggling to deal with it and I can't see a silver lining. Being female, I've lost the chance to have a family due to my age and I'm struggling to come to terms with that. I'd love to hear other peoples thoughts as I actually am currently studying, but haven't been able to concentrate on it at all of late, which increases my anxiety of failing. I was on such a high and was so motivated just to crash to such a low... a lot deeper than expected. I agree that reaching out to friends and being kind to yourself does help. There is so much out of our control, it can be unbearable at times, but we can't dwell on it for too long. I so wish there was a switch we could flick but I'm hoping that only time will heal. Hope you are able to move forward and achieve little goal, by little goal. Don't put pressure on yourself to be able to get everything back all at once. I hope everything will come back to you in succession. All the best!

Vegetarian Marshmallow · ‎29-08-2018

I like what Croix said. Just put some feelers out, try things, experiment. After I lost my first job (computer programming), I just looked on a volunteer website and went to the first thing that was on the list. Not thinking anything as grandiose as "this is going to be my new direction in life", but just "well I have to do *something* or I'll get bored and crazy". And through that I eventually came to change industry (childcare). I'm sure I did other things as well that didn't lead me anywhere, but those tend to be pruned from the memory.

Fallen_apart · ‎30-08-2018

Thanks for replying and your suggestions.

Iv been seeing a doctor about the anxiety and depression since I did my back. I almost feel that its become more of a problem since, as now I'm aware of it and its a forefront issue. Meds all definitely made me worse. I have been to see several psychologists and I usually left feeling worse.

My back has also become worse over time despite gym and physio stuff, to the point where I'm pretty much unemployable because I don't have the reliability or confidence in it, even if I knew where to start.

Iv looked at the tafe list a thousand times and it only generates more anxiety and feelings of hopelessness similar to looking at a job board. I couldn't even get a volunteer job because I cried like a baby in the interview.

The only real happiness I can remember in the past was in the security and companionship of a relationship. After 15 years iv forgotten who I am and what I want from life.

Thanks for replying I know people rebuild their lives every day I just need to hear it from someone who has sometimes.

Fallen_apart · ‎30-08-2018

Thanks for writing, always sort of helps to know there's other people in the same boat even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Don't give up on a family yet, you still have time, it will just be different to how you have always pictured it with your previous partner. Getting my head around that is still hard but helps me a bit.

Croix · ‎30-08-2018

Dear Fallen apart~

I can certainly relate to a lot of what you are going though. Looking at a campus handbook listing courses was confusing and quite frankly I ran out of steam looking at it each time I did. In the end I selected by chance and ended up with units I could manage and eventually enjoy.

I do not think this is a recommended way to start a course of study. Do you think you might come up with a better one? As for things you enjoyed, depression and anxiety make us forget what was good in the past. Do you have anything to prompt your memories, from old photos to old clothes?

Crying is not the end of the world. Embarrassing, upsetting and horrid for the self-esteem. It's also something people are a lot more understanding of than other displays of emotion (such as anger or impatience). If you can't volunteer one place maybe another.

Actually the fact you tried, even if the interview was less than perfect is a pretty big milestone. It is easier next time. Helping yourself (plus the place you would volunteer at) by trying is tremendously imortant.

Croix

IsaJett · ‎30-08-2018

Hi Fallen apart

i went through the same thing . Here’s what I did ..and I hope it helps .

i thought about what made me happy as a kid. Like things that I got lost in . I found myself again and believe me you are still there ...under that confusion . Don’t overthink anything ..and just be present ..and focus on whatever is in front of you.

i found my lost passion of dancing and writing and it feels good to be in your own space and element again . The fact that I was lonely is because I always felt I needed someone to fulfill me ...but I clearly don’t ...I have my own set of lungs to breathe and organs to have me operating day day . I am enough and way much more . Hell I can even give myself a super duper hug if I want to . I can even laugh so hard at my own jokes . Realising all these have helped myself heaps and I hope it helps you .

tell yourself a joke and give yourself a hug now ...

put out your left hand on right shoulder and right hand of left shoulder and squeeze real tight . This form of love ...called self love ...is the best form of love there is . At least it won’t break your damn heart and fall out of love with you or cheat on you ..

keep smiling and let me know how you go with these tips 🙂

Fallen_apart · ‎30-08-2018

To be honest I'm not really keen on either work or study right now assuming I could lock in either one. I know there are mental health benefits to doing so, but I am worried going back to just being a hamster on a wheel with no clear direction will be the final straw. A mate let me hang around his business but I didn't last 4 hrs before I left in tears.

Most days lately I stay in bed staring at the fan for hours on end racking my brain for something to fire up for but I'm flat out taking the dog out.

id travel for inspiration or something, but my confidence is shot, socially and physically and I'm at a complete loss as to where I'd go or why.

My doctor has tried to get me to go into hospital and stay for a while to find meds that "work". Sometimes I think I should but I'm not ready to take the shovel and dig myself a new low point.

Curious on anyone's thoughts/experiences with being an inpatient. I'm terrified of the thought but don't know what else to do.

Thanks for writing. I feel less invisible and appreciate any help and experience you and everyone else adds here. Most people I know haven't fallen down yet or they stayed at the bottom and never left.

Fallen_apart · ‎30-08-2018

Thanks for your reply.

I was always a bit of a lone wolf and preferred my own company, which is partly why not coping at the moment scares me. Fair to say I didn't know I needed that human contact until I lost it.

I'm a funny guy, but my hugs suck, I'll stick with the cat for those : )