Geoff- followup on issues re recovery

[Mares73]

Hi all this concerns questions I have wanted to ask another member-Geoff about his recovery. I'm trying to work out whether I need to discuss my history with new psychologist or whether to focus on the issues I have at present. I realize most of us are affected by our pasts but how do we move beyond the effect our past has had on us in order to start living in the present only. I know my depression, anxiety & PTSD is related to multiple abuse which in turn left me with very low self esteem & affected my ability to have a life where I was confident, happy & not deeply scarred. Do I need to work through what's happened in my life in order to improve my life? So many people seem paralyzed by trauma & can't move forward. I know I can't change what's happened to me but I must learn to live with it in order to have a decent life. I guess I'm tired of the struggle things like seeking approval from my family, having fears that hold me back, spending so much time on what happened. Yes I've had a harrowing life but I don't want it to always affect me or miss out on things with my kids cause I'm still grieving for my childhood. As Geoffrey has said he got to a point he couldn't resolve certain issues so he got rid of them & started again. How do I do this when my self esteem is so low? Where do I start? Living with depression is hard enough yet alone continuing to have regrets & unresolved issues. But then there's issues like my problem with intimacy which is due to past events but is also currently impacting on my marriage. I find it hard that things from the past can impact so much on the present. I feel like I desperately want to run away & be by myself. Yet I'm not anywhere near confident to know what to do & what action to take to improve my life. I'm really struggling with not going downhill. I want to be able to achieve things & I'm so upset when I cant. A few weeks ago I had a simple list of what I'd do each day but I lack purpose & motivation & by the end of the day I've achieved nothing apart from feeling stuck, unmotivated, lonely & isolated. I'm so disappointed in myself, frustrated that I want to get well but have no idea where to start. Geoff I'd appreciate you continuing our discussion & your advice. As Neil if you read this I've tried to post you a msg but not allowed. So hope your going ok, I think of you.
Love Mares

 also wanted to write a post to Neil to see how he is going but personal messages are not permitted.

[Jo3]

Hi Mares

Sorry to "but in" but ..... Geoff this is me as well.  Mares, reading your post just then I thought you were writing about me!!

A really good question - hope Geoff or others can help.

Jo xx

[geoff]

dear Mares and Jo, this is a very good question and an important one for recovery.

Both of you have had an horrendous past, all of which will be stuck in your mind forever, and I'm really sorry for all of this, there's no disputing this, but how can you now move forward.

Firstly your new psychologist will need to know about your past, otherwise why are you there, but what you have to ask them is that this is a continuing problem which you can't let go of, and that you need to know how to be able to put these terrible incidents behind me now because I can't seem to be able to overcome my depression.

If you like this psych, get on well with her ( I'll just her ) then trust is the issue here.

Let me give you an example, when I knew that my wife was seeing, ringing and stayed away for a night with someone, then my trust with her went down the gurgle, and the same happened when she moved down to Melb. and before our divorce, she was staying with another chap, who I still hate, and she said there was nothing going on, how could I believe that, and she's a religious Catholic, but I won't go on about that here, but she lied to me on so many occasions.

I could understand if she was seeing a psych but she wasn't, because she would have openly told me.

So there's 2 sides here , first I can understand why she wanted to divorce me, but then how could I ever forgive her, and how could I overcome these memories, well I couldn't, because they were always with me.

So I then realised that if I kept on having these thoughts of why, which was destroying me, I would end up as a nervous wreck, always having depression, with all the bad thoughts pounding me day and night and just adding to everything else that was harassing me, so I came to the conclusion that I will never find the answer to this, so I then decided to put these thoughts in a box and send them on their way to the bermuda triangle, however they still flash through my mind every now and then, but I say to myself 'forget it Geoff do you want to go back to having depression, because this will start it'.

I will continue this post a bit later, to finish off your questions, and relate your past so you can move on, but please ask me anything you want. L Geoff. x

[Mares73]

Dear Geoff what I took from your reply was that you had a major trigger ie your wife's behaviour that led to you setting on a new path. But with depression isn't that unusual? I mean I take my hat off to you for the strength & courage you had. But I find depression immobilises me & I just go around & around in circles of self hate. Then a new thing has happened that's only ever happened once before. The day before yesterday I was feeling really low & had no idea why as I usually know my triggers & can sense when I'm getting too low. But then yesterday I woke up feeling something had overtaken my mind like a mind altering substance-I couldn't stop crying, I was questioning my existence & mostly I was terrified that I could feel so low & distraught out of the blue. I rang the support line who assured me this is not uncommon. That frightened the hell out of me-that I could be struck down so fast without seeing it coming.  But Geoff how did you get the strength in the first place to make the changes to your life? With issues such as poor self esteem, no motivation & a sense of hopelessness how do I move forward? love Mares xxx

[geoff]

dear Mares, well there are many components on how I overcame this illness, and I wish that I could  tell you in ONE single post, and how much I would love to, but by you and others telling me about their concerns, I can then relate to your problem and then give you advice.

Yes you are right my wife was one trigger, as I mentioned to you on one of your posts, it may have been to Neil, my very good friend, about his triggers I'm not sure, however I said that you were at a T-intersection and that was the same as myself, but I was forced into this position because of the sale of our house, so I had to turn left or right, left was back into depression, while right was to move into my rental house and survive and to get a new life.

My now ex helped to clean the my new house and when the furniture arrived, she said 'put that over there it would look good', but then I said 'no I don't want it there', so I was questioned why, so I said ' simple I am living here not you, so now I can put the furniture where I want to, so this was someone who had now decided what to do, on my own, so that was a start, I now had control over my own affairs. L Geoff. x

[Mares73]

Dear Geoff I've been thinking a lot about narrowing down my key issues about myself. One is avoidance-i switch off or isolate when I'm low & this leaves me feeling very lonely despite the fact I've done it to myself. Another is my very poor self esteem & lack of confidence, which leads to the next issue-fear. Then lastly my sense of being paralyzed & unable to motivate myself. I'd say they were the key issues if I had to cut right to the core past all other feelings. So now my issues are-how do I stop avoidance behavior, how do I get selfesteem, how do I stop fearing things & how do I get motivation. Thing is Geoff that underneath all the layers I still crave social interaction, a challenging job & a sense of self. All of which I used to have before being struck by depression. And now I've twice had episodes where I feel fine & wakeup a complete mess with thoughts of self harm & this scares the hell out of me because I've never experienced this format of depression where there are no triggers & it hits me out of blue almost as though I've taken a mind altering substance. I had to ph the support line about this as it terrified me but the nice woman I spoke too said this type of depression is not uncommon &sometimes people call it chemical in balance for of depression rather than reactive which is what I've always experienced ie a trauma or trigger brings it on. But it frightened me the sudden onset without any triggors. Hope we can keep talking Geoff I really value & appreciate your support & can't thank you enough. Love Mares

[geoff]

dear Mares, I value your comments and response back to me, but now I can see that you are expressing certain problems, and that's the beginning, to be able to address them.

I do realise that when you go to bed then doesn't stop those thoughts going through your mind, which no one can stop, as everyone has dreams, whether or not they remember them is up to how they feel.

I still have dreams of stupid things happening, or as I have said before people who I haven't seen in decades, but for some reason I dream of them, but many of them are so bizarre, which could make you agitated when you are in depression, but now I just think why did I think of that it's stupid, but now I am awake, and I can have a laugh at them.

So this is what could be happening with you, but they are dreams and dreams are only that, nothing more than your mind thinking of circumstances that are not true, and if you think that they are something to worry about, then pick at those dreams and ask yourself, OK I dreamt of this or that but where are they.

I will reply back tomorrow as my time has come to log off, but I want you to think of why do you go to bed being happy and then wake up depressed, and when I say wake up, this means not thinking about what is going to happen today. L Geoff. x