I’m nervous even starting this, I’m not one that likes asking for help.
Im currently married, 4 kids, 3 dogs, large mortgage, shift worker,
ex-fifo and largley a shell of how I remember my former self, before
these and other challenges fell before me...
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I’m nervous even starting this, I’m not one that likes asking for help.
Im currently married, 4 kids, 3 dogs, large mortgage, shift worker,
ex-fifo and largley a shell of how I remember my former self, before
these and other challenges fell before me. I know I have been unhappy
for a long time. I’m 38 now, and I can remember sitting at work 12 years
ago noting that my enjoyment of life had been on the slide. I think from
around age 23 is when the decline probably started. Back then I would
have described myself as well known, socially active with a reasonable
confidence level. I had plenty of friends but I’ve never had any really
intermittently close friends or BFFs. I’d be invited to mates weddings
but never be invited into the bridal party. I knew I had some quirks
that held me back from ever going to that next level. Since that age of
23, I’ve noted a decline. Firstly I moved interstate with a then, new
GF. My sporting commitment fell away and my shift work life started. In
a new city I realised how few friends I had and how I was struggling to
making new friends was a challenge. I latched on to some previous
acquaintances and basically used them for about 6 years. I started
noticing in this period, that socially I was feeling awquard. A feeling
that was on the outside of most things and I never really wanted around.
I would need to invite myself to social engagements. I never settled in
this new city and because of this I always wanted to return home. Along
the way I started working FIFO, I was/am very good at what I do, quickly
climbing my way to a +300k job with ample time off. I made lots of new
friends in this close knit environment, but the nomadic nature of the
work meant friendships always had a time limit. Eventually after 6 years
of being away, marrying and after the arrival of our first baby girl. I
convinced my now wife to return home. I continued flying for work for
another 10 years. On return, I naively thought I would be welcomed back
into the old circles and that things would be as they were. But, the
world hadn’t stopped for everyone else, and bar a group of 5, most
people had moved on. I am never any good at staying in touch. Friends
were having kids and life had slowed FIFO wasn’t helping in this regard
as most people assume you are away anyway. Fast forward 10 years, we
added another 2 girls and a boy. I finally made a decision to end FIFO
because I was getting massively depressed by it. The work was ok but I
knew socially it was killing me. I even gave up trying to make friends
at work because I knew they would only be temporary anyway. I got myself
a secure job back home on shift work. It was a massive change of pace
and seems to take up so much more of my free time. In the 2 years I’ve
been there, I’ve made good relationships with people but this hasn’t
translated to friends out of work. Of the few friends that did remain,
I’ve managed to let these mostly slip by to the point that I’d go a
month without receiving any social phone call or message from anyone.
The straw that finally made me write this, was seeing Facebook posts of
my last remaining friends, at a planned family camping trip over a long
weekend. 5-6 families, all with young kids, all my old mates. The
following weekend, they are together again at a concert at a winery. Its
embarassing when it’s noted by your wife that you weren’t invited, she
is shitty with them but I’m not angry with anyone but myself, I’ve let
this all happen. It it was then that I knew I’d hit the bottom, at least
I hope it’s the bottom. If it wasn’t for work colleagues I wouldn’t be
social with anyone. I feel sorry for my wife most, she is entitled to a
better life. I mostly do nothing with my spare time other than argue. We
have barely had sex in 5 years and I’ve all but given up on the
relationship. If she said she was leaving I wouldn’t be surprised or
even put up a fight. I know she’d be happier at least. Where to from
here? I won’t go see a quack or shrink. I won’t talk to anyone about it
so it’s not a brilliant outlook.
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