why so curious?

[Miss_Jane]

im a lesbian and came out roughly 8 years go. im in a relationship with a beautiful girl, but i struggle with being so curious of other lesbian girls, even to the point of cheating.... and no one likes a cheater. it makes me depressed honestly. i just cant seem or maybe want to settle? why do i think of others? why am i so interested and want to follow it? when i follow through with my curiosity... obviously it ends badly as my girlfrind and i fight. im left feeling like im a untrustworthy person, not good enough, a failure, breaking my girls heart into a million of pieces.. etc. this is something i struggle with and its been a while now. just feeling down and out 😞

[justinok]

Hey Miss Jane, ahh the ol temptation rearing its ugly head.  How long have you been in your relationship?  Have you had many relationships before this one? 

When I came out I got into a relationship pretty quickly and while it was great, it was a problem becaue I had never been with anyone else, and my eyes started to wander.  Lucjkily my boyfriend and I at the time were able to talk about it and work it out, but guys often find it easier to have open relationships than girls do (sorry if that offends anyone, just my observation).

Perhaps you need to have a think about what you want out of the relationship. Is this the girl that you want to be with, to have as your companion in life?  Is the interest you have in other women just physical, or does it go beyond that?  And how does your girlfriend feel about all this?  The fact that you're using the word cheating, well, you're obviously doing this behind her back and that will destroy trust in the relationship over time. 

Relationships are hard work.  We'll always be tempted by others.  But if that temptation and curiosity is more important to you than the person your'e with, then maybe you're not ready to settle.

[Miss_Jane]

howdy justinok,

 ive been in my current relationship for 3 years now and yes ive had many relationships with girls prior. my form of cheating is that, flirting, deleting of communications, setting myself up with others and not following thru with actions, (then later kick myself as it means to me as its a wasted opportunity). with me doing this, ive hurt the others as well. my girlfrind is struggling with it all, i ask her why shes still with me and she simply says 'i love you'.

yes trust is destroyed, i cant seem to get it back because i keep continuing on with what im doing. it just feels like a drug, i feel addicted. everyone is different, all the girls i have been with are different and its just got my attention.

you maybe right with the last comment you made. thankyou to replying back to me.

[justinok]

Hmm...this is ringing bells for me. Have you thought that maybe you're hoping she'll break up with you, as that will let you off the hook? I've been in a situation like this. when you cheat on your partner, you expect the reaction to be harsh and for the worst case scenario to be that they'll say, that's it.  But when they don't?  You kinda lose a bit of respect for them.

[Miss_Jane]

yes and no.. i see she loves and cares for me alot as i do with her. i know i shouldnt be doing this. our fights are because of this, controlling comes into it as well.  i think we both know the answer but maybe too afraid to admit to it and deal with it? if it does end, im still left with this curious addiction. it worries me as im unsure when it will stop, or is it simply human naure to be curious of others?

[justinok]

I'm wondering if we're talking about the same thing here... what do you mean by curious? I've reread what you've written above and I'm not sure if we're on the same page.  To me, cheating is having a sexual or romantic connection with someone outside of your relationship without having your partner's permission. That might be a one-off hookup, a friend with benefits, or something that's going to lead to a full-on relationship in its own right.

There's nothing wrong with having other friends who are gay. Most of my male friends are gay, that's just because we have the same life experiences and so can relate to each other better than most of the straight men I've met. It doesn't mean I have to have sex with them, though.

[Miss_Jane]

yes, i find it important to have other lesbian/gay friends. i seem to take it too far and flirt and would think what they would be like in a romantic sense. i love the 'first time' experience.. the first attraction, the first kiss, those butterflies. my counsellor may think that theres a link to my sexual abuse of when i was young. because when i described how i felt then, its pretty much the same as what i feel now.

then theres also, me. when i become unhappy in a relationship, my eyes start to wander. i live with my partner, who lives in the same house as her ex husband and thier teenage daughter. its alot to take on, but dont get me wrong, we all get along well. i personally have a couple of problems with the daughter as shes the only one and very spoilt.  i am unhappy, depressed. i feel as tho ive had a part-time girlfriend cross between a best friend as we dont do anything to each other while others are around, i felt as tho im a dirty secret or something, as not too many people know, its a different set up.

i love my girl to bits, but ive become slowly depressed with it all. i dont want to break up her family, i dont want to take anything away from her. i suggested that i move out on my own, have her stay with me etc.. but she seems not to like that idea at all. she has her cake and is eating it.

im left screaming out.. 'what about me!' 'what do i do?!'

[justinok]

Oh wow, that makes a massive difference! Seriously, I can't imagine being in a situation where I'm living with my partner's ex and children.  Sure, if my partner had children I wouldn't have a problem at all with his kids staying or living with us if we were in a long-term relationship, but you can't keep up appearances by having one foot in the closet.  Would this situation be happening if she were straight and you were a man?  Can't imagine that happening.

[Miss_Jane]

probably not. im just depressed, i feel as tho im the worst girlfriend ever and feel unhappy about everything. just wish i had my own place to go to just to get away from it all.

[justinok]

Sorry I hope I havent made you feel worse. I understand the blame game, I have done that myself in relationships, but there are always two people involved. You may have done things that you're not proud of, but it doesn't sound like you're getting what you need either. Try not to beat yourself up about it.  

Maybe it's time to sit down and just have a really honest conversation about the future?