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When to tell you’re wife you’r gay 🤨

Happy_Man
Community Member

Just been reading these posts and thought, why not!

I am so in love with the mother of my children, she is my best friend and a wonderful Mum/wife/friend.

I need to tell her I am gay. Over the past 2+ years I have been struggerling with my sexuality most of the time and since I was a teenager. I have been with guys before I got married in the younger days, met the lady of my dreams and married/kids/dog etc.

How did anyone tell the wife? I have an amazing family who will support me and my wife but how did you tell?

I want to find the easiest way to break someone’s heart......

thanks for listening👍🏼

23 Replies 23

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Happy Man,

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that there probably isn't a right time per se, although maybe not around Christmas or any major anniversaries etc might be best to avoid? Other than that, I think that you just need to sit down with her and be as open and honest as you have been with us and tell her. She will most likely feel a range of emotions and may question whether your entire marriage has been a lie, so it's important that you explain that you had some feelings when you were younger, but fell in love with her etc, and have loved the life you've made. But you also owe it to yourself to not die with this big question mark over your head. I hope that in time she will come to see that, but it may take her a little time to work through, just try and be patient and understanding in that time.

Thank you

Just_Sara
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hey there Happy Man and welcome to our caring community;

You seem really happy within this union except for sexual connections. Do you identify as gay or bi? (Re 'woman of your dreams' comment) I identify as Bi, been married, divorced and now single.

You seem to have made the decision which is quite an accomplishment; congratulations. Telling your wife is mostly about your sexuality, but it's also about her response.

There's no perfect way to break someone's heart. Nice environment, food and beverages to last what might end up a very long conversation, (no alcohol!) and a comfortable spot without other people would be respectful.

The words though are your main concern yes? IMO, keep it simple. "There's something I need to tell you...I'm gay." That's it in a nutshell ok; the rest is about her. Let her ask questions or make comments. Keep answers short and direct. She'll spot a lie in a heartbeat. Support her if she cries and listen with your tongue between your teeth if you have to.

If there's anger, assist her to let the rage out and stay completely balanced with the sole intent of helping her get thru it. Validate her words with short responses such as; "I know..." or "Yes, I can see what you're saying." Take cutting words with humility...it's all about her. Don't justify anything, just keep her talking.

Please don't make the mistake of saying it breaks your heart at this time as the energy will be turned away from her. Leave that until she's ready to hear it. (Unless she asks what you feel. Again, make it short and sensitive, then turn it back to how she feels)

If you end up at a stage where there's an opportunity to make plans, put it off! Emotions will cause future plans to be based on panic and what-if's. That's another conversation to have at home over a coffee.

My point is, go thru each stage together. You both have issues personally and relevant ones together re care giving of your kids, living arrangements and financial stability.

I wish you luck Man, both of you.

Gentle and kind all the way...hope is eternal.

Sez

Wow! Thanks Sez. Your words have given me some comfort.

i am excited about the future but also still concerned.

Its taken a while to get to This stage.

cheers

Hi again H Man;

I'm so glad you've found value in my words. Your excitement is good to read of too. It's going to be quite a road ahead, so all of your positive energy will surely come in handy.

I hope giving your wife plenty of room to be who she needs to be without guilt or judgement has given you a sense of relief; her response isn't about you. We sometimes forget this and take it on our shoulders to fix; but we can't. All you can do is be gentle, kind and not try to be her therapist or social worker.

And please don't fall into her need to nurture you. This will complicate things and tug at both your emotions. Stay focused on the prize.. living your truth with humility and integrity while being a caring Dad and ex husband.

I hope all ends up working out for everyone involved hun. Please let us know how you go or if you need support. Merry Xmas and a Happy and Prosperous New Year.

Sez

Hey Sez,

Just to clarfy I haven’t told my wife yet, I have been trying to find a “ the right day” to tell with her. I have choose a date which has absolutely no meaning to anyone, just to me.

I am sad as this will be our last Xmas as we all know it, I am pretty confident next Xmas will be also great but different and exciting in many ways i.e happy dad 😎 I just wanted to say thanks for your kind words again.

I shall report back in the new year. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Sez 🎅🎅

PanitaPc
Community Member

My ex had was married for 10 years, two kids... he told his wife and I met him just 8 months afterwards. I met his ex-wife and kids... I had a really good relationship with all of them. We broke up but in the end I actually had a better relationship with the kids and the ex-wife than with him.

Another really good friend is in a very similar situation. His partner of 4 years was married for 13 years and has 3 daughters.

I have met several gay men in their late 30s and early 40s that are divorced with kids. Most of them have good relationships with their children and their wives. Some of them had traumatic breakups, others were relatively painless. Still they have overcomed the struggle and they live a new life

I would say there is no good time or the right time. It is always a bad time to bring those news and it will always break her heart in one way or another. So you just have to find a slightly less cumbersome time and the courage to tell her.

This will sound coldhearted but make sure you have a plan before you say anything.
- Save some cash in case you get kicked out of the house or she can't stand being with you in the short term (not something you want to happen but it is totally understandable if it happens, she might need some space after hearing the news)
- Save some leave from work as well you may need some days off
- If divorcing is the next step... what are you willing to give up when it comes to custody and material things.

A lot of people have given you good advice on how to listen and how to treat your wife with respect.

C4
Community Member
Hi I came out to my wife 8 months ago after 15 years marriage it was the hardest thing to do and the worst day of my life knowing that those two words meant the end of the marriage and she would be hurt. It’s still a struggle of acceptance for me but one day at a time and it will eventually be ok. Just look at it as a new chapter in your autobiography of life. I wish you all the best for your new life.

Scotty2013
Community Member

Hi Happy Man

There are many men (and women) like you who have taken the heartbreaking decision to end a long, heterosexual relationship in order to feel true to their ‘real’ selves, even later in life.
Maybe the biggest thing you've had to do and it would feel very overwhelming no doubt , but please don’t give up hope of a truer, happier life.
I would wish the same for your wife and that in the end you can both cherish the love and friendship you have shared. Even if you’re under separate roofs. Goodluck.