What am I?? Please help.

[who_am_i]

I've know I was 'queer' since I was about 14 years old. I'm 22 now and physically female but I still don't understand who I am. I lived in a small town so I just repressed any 'abnormal' thoughts and ignored my sexuality up until this year. I know that I am attracted to both men and women. I am in a open relationship with a girl. But I still don't feel right? I have always wished I was born a male. Most days I wake up and hate my large hips and my chest. But some days I do feel girly. I don't understand who I am and don't know where to start. Please help 😭 Also, although I know that I find women sexually attractive, when ever I try to be intimate with my girlfriend I have a panic attack? 😭😭😭😭

[MaxineC]

Hi who_am_i, it sounds like a really exciting time for you, branching out and exploring being intimate with another person. It also sounds like a pretty scary time for you as well. I think it's worth taking a moment just to congratulate yourself from moving from repression to starting on that journey of working out who you are, and it is a bit of a voyage of discovery for most of us.

Sex and gender are complicated beasts. Some of it is determined by our genes, and some of it is determined by what society says men and women should look, behave and think like. It's not always easy if you don't fit neatly into the box of 'girly girl' or 'butch boy'. There's nothing that says you can't mix and match elements of all kinds of masculine and feminine traits, it's what makes you uniquely you.

Being comfortable in intimate situations often comes down to how confident and secure you feel in yourself, and at the moment it sounds like you often feel quite distressed by the physical person you see in the mirror. What are some of the thoughts going through your mind when the panic comes on? Have you talked about any of this with your girlfriend?

Please post back when you can.

[geoff]

Hello Who_am_i', I'm sorry and I don't mean to intrude your thread but there's an old saying: 'the more you worry the worse it gets', plus another one 'a day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work'.

Sometimes we don't let our mind flow, we always question ourselves, and that's what keeps us confused, take your time to know what you want, but enjoy yourself.

Geoff.

[who_am_i]

Hi! Thank you so much for replying.

I haven't told my girlfriend about these feelings but she's obviously noticed that I am awkward when it comes to the bedroom. I have been intimate with men before but this is my first girlfriend and I have no idea what I'm doing. I have depression and very very bad self image and low self esteem from growing up trying to hide myself... I think I'm just scared because I'm out of my depth...? I don't know

[who_am_i]

Hi, thanks for your reply.

I am not so much worried but rather curious. I want to know if there is a label for what I am as I think it would help me to find other like me who i could talk to? I don't know anyone else in my situation and it would be comforting to have a friend or confidant. But thank you for your advice regardless

[MaxineC]

Hi again who_am_i, feeling out of your depth is quite normal when you're doing something new, and it can be paralysing. Your girlfriend wants to be with you, and if she has noticed you're awkward she may well be assuming that it's her fault (I know it's often my first assumption to blame myself when something isn't right rather than think of other reasons). Talking with her about what you're going through and explaining how this is all new for you could really help. I personally think labels are for soup cans, but it might also be worth you looking up to find trans, queer or gender-fluid discussion groups online to find others who have been on their own self-discovery journeys that you can learn from. With depression and low self-esteem from years of hiding, the grooves run quite deep. If you commit to rewriting your story one line and one day at a time before you know it you'll have a new one to live by.

[Birdy77]

Hello who_am_i,

I'm really glad you've reached out here for some support - coming from a small town and having repressed your "queerness" for so long would make this time of your life, as you expand and explore your feelings and identity, both exciting and frightening.

MaxineC made a beautiful point that you can celebrate your courage in leaving your repression behind and starting on your journey of discovery.

Rest assured that there are many people out there who have very similar feelings and experiences to you, so please do not feel like you are strange in any way. Are you still in the small town you grew up in, or are you closer to a city now? Metro areas can be a lot more liberating when exploring this kind of thing.

My partner (female) had perhaps similar feelings and experiences to you, and her way of exploring it all included this sort of "boi" identity for a time during her twenties. I don't know if this is something you could maybe relate to.

There are so many ways you can express yourself and explore who you are ... and it's ok to not know "who am i" yet ... explore, experience, have fun.

Do you think it would help to be open with your girlfriend and say something like "hey, I know I'm awkward, I dunno what I'm doing, but I really like you, I just get nervous" ... something like that? Showing vulnerability makes us feel exposed, but it opens up way more possibilities for intimacy, in my experience.

You are very welcome here, and I hope you feel a little bit less alone.

🌻birdy