Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

[Esti67]

So here's my dilemma, I am a 51 year old late blooming lesbian. I finally admitted this to myself after many many sleepless nights and days on the verge of tears. This took about 6 months to get here. I knew that my attraction to women was now at a point that it was impossible to ignore and i made the choice to tell my husband who i adore. He is truly a beautiful man. He was gobsmacked, in total disbelief and devastated. We both cried (a lot) and i apologised profusely. He was beautiful. I told him i would like to separate but i am happy to go at his pace, as long as he needs. After a sleepless night and time to think he begged me to stay, said he couldn't go through with it and was sobbing terribly. I felt like i needed to backpeddle to comfort him because the thought of causing him so much pain isn't worth this. The truth is that i really do want to separate and live with my new identity but i cant bear what this is doing to him. I hate the thought of having to go through this again as the anxiety in getting to this point was crippling me. I have no idea how to move forward and i dont want to continue living half a life. In time i know i'm going to become miserable again.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome to our caring community Esti;

Your story's a common theme for this forum, so please don't feel like you're the only one going thru this type of transition ok. I'm glad you had the courage to post as it takes a lot for the first one, so well done!

You don't mention if there's kids in your life. This obviously makes matters far harder and more complex to cope with.

Your husband does sound like a beautiful man making leaving incredibly tough. Being forced to transition into a single life at his age is hard hitting stuff so I totally understand your hesitant feelings.

Once your husband can come to terms with everything, moving forward will be easier. I'm so glad you've decided to support him for as long as it takes. I hope he has people he can turn to. If he sees you as his best friend and confidante, the pressure increases.

I don't envy either of you. You've both invested a lifetime of emotions into your relationship, it must be ripping you apart. I really feel a well seasoned relationship counsellor could help you both get thru this process a bit more gently.

Have you established lesbian connections outside the marriage? If so, I guess this makes your side of things much easier; not such an unknown quantity. Have you explored any LGBTI counselling options in your area or online?

I'm here most days Esti, so if you want to shoot the breeze, rant or bleed your poor heart, please know someone's listening and understanding.

If you scan the sexuality and gender section here you'll probably find other threads to look thru. There's one at the moment about being gay and thinking about leaving his wife. I haven't read that one, but there's another by Steven1 that's very good.

Not sure if I've helped in the way you would've hoped, but at least you're able to talk about it with someone who cares.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Only_I_know]

Hi Esti67

I have a thread going on here, that I started back in April. I'm 47 and came out to my wife of 20years 3 months ago. I've known all my life, but hidden it and never explored it.

My wife, fortunately, was very understanding and supportive - just one of the many reason's that I love her so much, and made it harder to tell her.

We are separating, I'm moving out on 3rd November as I've bought a small 2 bed unit. I have kids, a 16yo son and 10 yo daughter, thankfully they are okay too - I think due to the very loving house we developed over the 20 years.

I would suggest that you both go and see a counsellor. Firstly go to your Dr and ask for a mental health care plan so that you can get up to 10 sessions 1/2 covered by Medicare. Like you, I sunk pretty low, I won't go through all the details here, but if you look for my thread you will see my state at the time, before and after I told my wife.

I'm pretty good now, and I think you will be too with the right help. My wife also went to a counsellor and she found it very helpful as well, in coming to terms with the separation after 20 years.

I'd also suggest googling and contacting Qlife, an LGBT peer phone service, they can offer you heaps of great advice, they can also refer you to an LGBT counsellor, which will definitely be the best for you, and possibly for your husband too.

By the sounds of it, your husband loves you, and I doubt that he would want to see you in pain.

Keep posting your thoughts, this community is fantastic. I was helped, brought back from the brink, and no doubt that you will be the better for talking here too.

cheers

Darren

[Esti67]

Thanks Sez, you are very kind and helpful. We do have kids in their 20's and fortunately are financially ok. My family are wonderful and we've always had lots of diversity in our friendships, I've always worked in LGBTI friendly workplaces and as a result have many friends in the community so am very lucky that way. Our daughter also idenfifies as bi. It's because of this i was surprised that he was so shocked (not to mention all of the lesbian themed movies ive been watching on netflix and sbs 😊). He wants to do marriage counselling which is fine with me but i did say for me, its not going to change anything but im happy to do this if he needs it. The other part if this is that i am interested in someone (a friend who identifies) but havent acted on it but its essentially this that has forced the issue. I've actually had a bit of a thing for her for years and its only surfaced since she split with her partner a year or so ago. We've had the chat and have agreed not to enter into anything until i sort my head out. So now here i am, feeling so brave that ive outed myself to my husband. I had a clear plan but its all crumbled in a heap now because the guilt about watching him basically have a breakdown has placed me right back where i started. I dread having to revisit this, it will take longer than i thought but i dont want to sweep this under the carpet. I feel incredibly stuck.

[Esti67]

I also forgot to mention that my husband and i have been together for 34 years since age 16. We have so much shared history which makes this all the more painful.

[Esti67]

Hey thanks Darren, i read your posts a while ago and this helped me to post so thanks so much for your bravery, it is truly inspiring. I feel your pain. I spent the morning reading your supportive posts with Tim on blue Simons thread. You all sound like beautiful men. I guess as a nurse i want to fix things and make sure everyone is ok all the time but unfortunately its to my detriment. A good lesbian friend of mine said to me when this was starting to become a problem that i should go slow and nature will tell me what to do. She was right but now i feel more stuck than ever. Thankyou for your kind words, it helps to to know that others have been there and in time things work out even if it takes a little while, with a lot of speed bumps.

[Just Sara]

Hi Esti and wave to Darren; (lol, I wanted to write Dazza! Oh my..)

I'm on a downer today so won't be posting much of a response. I'm taking the weekend off to reboot and refresh too.

I'm glad you and Darren have met. It's great you guys can give each other a helping hand as well as views from someone who 'knows'.

I'll catch up on Monday. Hopefully I'll be able to enjoy some fun activity over the weekend. Thinking of ya's...

Sez

[Only_I_know]

Hey Sez, Dazza or Daz is fine. It's what all my friends call me!

Yes take the time to look after youself too. Community champions are awesome, and need to take care too.

Have a lovely weekend.

Esti67, I'm glad my story helped you express, others did the same for me a few months ago. It's wonderful on here, lots of loving support and people happy to just listen and not be judgemental. Alot of great advice too, often things you don't think of. Your friend sounds wise, don't be in a rush. Things will happen when you least expect it.

Keep posting, I'm here most days, so happy to chat.

Daz

[Esti67]

Thanks sez, looks like lots of self care for you this weekend. Stay safe and well

E

[Esti67]

Thanks again Darren, the supportive community makes a difference. Amazing how common this experience is. Ive told a couple of friends, they are very supportive but straight and don't really get it, especially how intense the experience is and how you feel so conflicted. Have a great weekend

E