(TW: Drug use, sexual references) Gay single lonely suicidal drug abuser

[Johnnie84]

So I am a 36 year old guy from WA and I am gay. I am a shy guy and don't think to much if myself. About 5 years ago I started smoking meth which gave me an escape n gave me a boost in confidence. I then came across tumblr and saw people posting vids of themselves smoking meth so I started doing the same and it got some traction so I got creative with the vids and it was fun n I was getting heaps of likes and i hadc10k plus followers. tumblr changed some shit so my vids were being taken down. I was then told about pnp zoom rooms which was a room full of guys smoking n chilling it was like having a session but online. People would msg me recognising me from tumblr and I started getting all this attention in the real world I struggled to meet up with anyone. many rejections or they would flake out. I found myself on these zoom meetings alot and that caused me to increase my meth use to the n was smoking daily.. I'd be in my room for hours smoking and chatting to guys who where giving me so much attention that I have never received in my life. The problem was all these guys were overseas. But it was nice that this guy from Australia pretty much a nobody get this much attention to the point everyone knew who I was. Of course I had some haters but I was always nice n kind and friendly to everyone. As time went on I realised I had no real friends and the only ones I had were my zoom buddy's. My health started to go down hill. I am type 1 diabetic and eventually I had problems getting a erection the best I could do was a semi n that was trying hard lol and mind u I'd be sober too. So I felt embarrassed that a guy like myself can't even get hard any more so I was afraid to hook up with anyone or I'd make up excuses why I couldn't get hard. But on zoom no one cared they thought I was hot AF. I now find myself not being able to afford buying meth so my I tried going on zoom sober but it was hard everyone's high n blowing clouds n here's me just sitting here watching, it was crap I wana blow clouds I wana get high. So I am struggling cause that was my only social thing I'd have Days go by where I speak to no one. Wen I talk to someone I talk their ear off I think I look like this crazy guy and unload everything on this poor person and they politely end the conversation. I dunno wat to do I know people will read this n roll their eyes God i started to see how pathetic I am/sound. I dunno I just wanted to talk n share. I wanted to kill myself but I am a coward

[Sophie_M]

Hey Johnnie84

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. Thank you for sharing what you are going through. We are so sorry to hear about your struggles with drug addiction and loneliness. It sounds really difficult. Please know that you are in a safe, non-judgmental place here. We have also reached out to you privately to offer additional support.

Are you currently seeing or have you previously seen a counselor? It can be very difficult to find our way out of overwhelming situations without the right kind of support. Please do not hesitate to contact our Support Service who can provide you with some referrals. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

If things become overwhelming for you at any time, please do not hesitate to contact Lifeline (13 11 14), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Please remember that if you are at immediate risk to yourself, this is an emergency and you must contact triple zero (000).

Please continue to post here and let us know how you're doing, whenever you feel up to it.