Transman and gay - coming out twice

Guest_68 · ‎08-07-2018

I'm transgender - FTM - and transitioned at a fairly advanced age, having thought about it for years. Decided not to, it was too late, and then realised about five years ago that that wasn't working. I'd have to gather my courage, whether it was too late or not. Friends mostly okay with it, workplace took awhile and tend to forget and misgender me, mother (only surviving parent) absolutely anti!

One thing I shied away from was what transition might mean about my sexual preferences. A doctor asked me, pre transition, which I liked and I said guys. She said that might change after I go on T. I shrugged that off; if it did, it did. I'd never been that interested in either but the lean was to guys. Well, a year after starting T, I still like guys theoretically, but haven't done anything about it. I guess that makes me gay 🙂 I've read/heard that a lot of gay guys don't like transmen because, well, we have missing bits (unless we are also extremely wealthy]. Can't help it, I still like bearish sort of guys; would love to have a partner but doubt it's ever going to happen now.

I haven't even gone *close* to this theme with my mother, never mentioned pronouns or preferences. We had a historic blowup two months ago when I pushed for her to use my chosen name - some three years after I had taken it and announced the fact. This is just too difficult for her to absorb and though it makes me feel terrible, I haven't got back in touch with her because contact makes me feel worse. And what's odd is that even accepting friends who readily call me by my name and refer to me as "he" now assume that I must now be into women!

I guess I'm just putting this out there and hoping for some feedback. Wondering if I could be a good partner for somebody else, given my lifelong crappy record at relationships.

MsPurple · ‎08-07-2018

Hi Ratboy.

I think it is a shame than in todays society we just assume people are straight. This assumption even goes for trans people. I have watched a lot of youtube videos of people coming out, some even twice. e.g. As gay then as trans. But this is not every trans persons story. I have seen a person on youtube (love her channel) her name is Gigi Gorgeous. She came out as a gay man (before transition), then as a trans women who still liked and publicly dated men, then she came out again saying she was lesbian (now engaged). She acknowledged it can be hard for people to understand that gender and sexuality are not necessarility related and that sexuality for some people (like herself) is a journey. I know this isn't the best example but sexuality is a journey for some. Even with transition is ok to keep your sexual identity the same or for it to change. When I was 16 I identified as straight and now I identify as bisexual. For me it was a journey. It is ok to still be attracted to men as a trans person and to not put a label on it if you are not comfortable. You can say you are interested in men and not say necessarily identify as gay/queer/etc.

I can't say I have first hand experience as a trans person dating (as I am not trans), but there are other forum users who I hope will have their input that also identify as trans. There is a youtuber called uppercaseChase, he is a trans man who dates men. Maybe check out his channel if you are interested in what he has to say regarding being a trans man and dating.

I think it was a really big thing for you to talk to your mum and to ask her to call you by your chosen name. Some parents may need a greeving period for the change in their child and for this change, however I do hope she comes around soon, because she should be able to see you are the same person, but being the real you.

Sorry I think I am rambling. I hope some of these references are helpful.

Guest_68 · ‎08-07-2018

Thanks very much; I'll look up some of those channels. You weren't rambling any more than me (g). Sexuality as a journey does make a lot of sense. My mother's views are very conventional and narrow, so I should've known better than to even try, though. It's been three years since I changed my name and she won't use it. I won't even mention anything about pronouns or preferences. It wasn't courage so much as a brain snap.

MaxineC · ‎09-07-2018

Hi Ratboy, I think what you're seeing is an example of what people consider "normal" with sexual orientation. They don't get that gender identity and sexual orientation are two separate things. It's almost as if people think when you "fix" your gender then you'll also "fix" your sexual orientation and be "normal", so with yourself, transitioning to male means you'll be straight because that's (supposedly) what being a man means.

I've seen similar happen with transitioning to female, it's assumed that the sexual orientation will be towards men (because that's what a "normal" woman would do).

I get really tired of having to fit into everyone's little boxes and assumptions all the time.