Recently split up, unsure how to start all over again
I’ve recently broken up with my ex partner. Well he broke up with me and without giving too much details I took full responsibility for what happened. We had been together for more than 10yrs. I’m a 40yo male. I’m feeling sad and also unsure how to start everything all over again. I don’t have many friends and I don’t know where to meet other people to make friends. I’m not a very social person. I know Grindr is popular but I’m not sure if people go there to make friends. Been in a relationship for so long I guess I was kinda feeling too comfortable to just spend most of times with my ex partner. And yes, it hurts knowing that I wouldn’t be able to spend the rest of my life with him but I wanted him to be happy. Also being at certain age (40) I don’t think it would be easy to find a new partner and have a long term relationship.
Sorry to read about your break up, they are never easy but it sounds like you put his best interests above your own which is very commendable. I think these days it is hard meeting anyone at any age, online dating seems to be quite popular or just finding groups of people with similar interests to yourself.
Is there anything you would like to discuss about the break up and how you are feeling?
My best for you,
Thank you for your reply. I’m feeling sad, lonely, unloved. He said he still cares about me but just not in love with me. But it just won’t be the same. I think I took it hard (the break up) as I really thought that we’d spending the rest of our life together and I still love him.
Hi Sensible Summer, sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. Ten years is a long time, a quarter of your life so far, and I imagine your lives were quite entwined. Being single means finding your own identity again.
I had a breakup a couple of years ago, and it hit me pretty hard. The relationship wasn't as long as yours, but what I realised afterwards was that I had been isolating myself in the relatiosnhip. I had been putting so much into the 'us' that I had neglected 'me'. My friends had all fallen by the wayside, which left me feeling really lonely when the breakup happened. I decided I would not let that happen again.
So how do you make friends now? I've found the healthiest atitude to take to the apps is one of no expectations. Most of the traffic on there is looking for quick hookups. I have made friends through apps, but I think it's more by accident than design.
I would think more in terms of real world social stuff. What kinds of things do you like doing? Do you play sports, sing? Even volunteering? There are so many different social groups for gay men outside of the bar scene now. Finding friends based around mutually enjoyable activities is going to do two things, get you out into the world again and enjoying life as well as getting you to meet new people.
Thank you for your kind message.
You’re right, being single means finding your own identity again. And honestly I’m scared to be starting all over bymyself again. My ex partner said he still cares about me and promise to be there for me whenever I needed him. I have no doubt that he meant it. But it’s not gonna be the same and I think when you’re becoming single again you should really start to be doing things independently.
With regards to hobbies, I don’t really have a specific hobby. I used to enjoy swimming and have recently started doing it on weekly basis. I’m not sure where to find those social groups. And yeah, I haven’t been in the scene for ages so not sure what it looks like now.
Hi and welcome SS;
What you wrote about losing your identity hit home for me. It's an all too common situation with break-ups. I like what Marcus said; (Hey Marcus!)
'I had been putting so much into the 'us' that I had neglected 'me'
True for so many..
If I could, I'd like to discuss your situation from another angle. The 10 yr mark is apparently a milestone for relationships. I've engaged with many people over the yrs who speak of this challenging time as 'surviving' it. "If you can get thru that, you can get thru anything!"
Whether there's a science or psychological concept to this I'm not sure, but I do know it's spoken of often. I think you'll find too, that some who divorce around this time, get remarried afterwards.
I don't know the details of your break-up, but I do know none of us are perfect and; forgiveness is divine.
The 'in love' state that people refer to fades and (apparently) develops into the next phase; deep love. Old people say; with perseverance, it's like 'connecting' from their hearts as true family; where patience and tolerance grows and expectations change.
Please, I don't want to be seen as Devil's Advocate or cruel by proclaiming there's still hope of a reunion for you both. I guess I'm trying to broaden the discussion.
On a positive note, isolation is the perfect environment for reflection. And don't forget, your ex is in the same boat as you. Hope this helps...
SensibleSummer breakups are horrible. I do feel your pain. All I can say is don’t be like me and be too afraid to date that you remain single for almost 25 years now! So any tips on meeting men in this town (Sydney) would be appreciated.
Just be kind to yourself, don’t doubt yourself and love yourself. I should practice what I preach! It will get easier.
Sez, thank you for giving another perspective of my situation. What you have explained actually makes sense. I asked my ex to give our relationship a chance and to give me a chance to change for better and make him happy. He told me that he fell out of love with me and don't think he can be in love with me anymore so I don't think there's possibility for reunion.
Marcus, I agree with you. I should focus on moving on and building a new, independent life. It's easier said than done of course. And yeah, I'm still in the grief period of separating and hopefully things get better soon. I'm trying to take things day by day.
MrBP, thank you for your kind advise. I don't have any tips on meeting men in Sydney (I live in Melbourne, btw). Marcus mentioned about social groups for gay men outside of the bar scene now, maybe that's where you can start.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. I'm feeling a little bit better today and can now see things in perspective, really appreciate all of you who took time to respond to my post and offered some advise and encouragement. I'm not the type of person who can open up easily but I'm glad I posted a thread on this website.
I am glad to read you are feeling a little better, it does help talking about things, that is for sure. You just have to take this day by day and step by step and slowly put the pieces back together and you will gain the independence you require to start living your life again.