Questioning my sexuality
Apparently I made an account on here back way back in 2014, haven't gone by this name in ages. 😛 I'm not really sure who to talk to about this so I thought I'd try here, I won't go into too much detail about certain things here since it may not be entirely *ahem* appropriate so I'll do my best to keep it clean.
Anyway, I'll just give a quick backstory. I came out as Transgender quite a few years back and have gone through HRT and all that, after a while I sort of came to the conclusion that I'm not actually Transgender but rather probably just a really effeminate guy, and I'm actually rather content with that. As far as relationships go, I've never been in one mostly because I never really put in the time to find someone apart from a few crushes I had way back when I was a teen. in recent years I kind of just never bothered with it and thought that a relationship wasn't important to me or that I may possibly be Asexual.
So, for the past month I've had a few strange things happen to me that has made me question question whether my sexuality is what I always thought it was. I always assumed I was straight since I did find women attractive, but I never had any real deep sexual attraction towards women, I just though it was just how I was. It all started when I began having intense dreams and fantasies about men, I thought if I were going to have anything like that it would be with a woman. Along with a few other things I found myself being leaning towards men than women, which is confusing me to no end.
I'm not sure if its anything, I've been like this for a while but its only been the last month I've started to think about it seriously. It might be a phase, or maybe I'm just thinking to much. Well, thanks for getting to the end of this wall of text, if anyone has any thoughts or something it would be greatly appreciated since I'm not havening much luck figuring it out myself.
Hi IAMTHEONE , welcome here and thank you for this post .
I am Jo , trans mtf ( Jo was born 9/12/20 ) . Quite young still but after nearly 70 years of gender dysphoria quite a relief .
I thought I was lesbian ( if that's possible?) But now think asexual . I do miss intimacy and deep friendship though . That could be any sex ?
In my mid 20's I had a good male friend and had dreams of making love with him . Was never acted on but maybe love IS where you find it . Its the only attraction to a man I have had ?
I guess curiously is one thing at play here ? A good councillor might be able to help explore this .
I get asexual as I can just not bother about stuff then ? Overthinking is something we all do here . Hope there is something here that is helpful or interesting .
I always have the deepest admiration for anyone who's trying to work themself out. It can definitely get confusing and take years of hard work. If there's little guidance and reference, the work can feel impossible.
In the process of working my self out, I've found it pays to have an open minded sense of wonder coupled with an easily triggered brilliant (bright) imagination. By the way, something else is pays to have is the ability to sense when people are shutting down your wonder and imagination. Such people are of no help at all generally, they're typically closed minded and tend to put the brakes on your quest for self understanding. You obviously wonder a lot, an indication of how open minded you are. Hope you don't mind if I trigger your imagination:
Imagine everyone holds a kind of energy. You're either attracted to or repelled by certain energies. For me, I can't stand the vibe of an alpha male or female, way too intense and uncomfortable. Give me the vibe of well balanced masculine/feminine person and I can feel the balance in everything they do and say. To be able to get a good sense of someone's energy, you may need to remove any social label from them, such as male, female, transgender, bisexual, homosexual etc etc. Sometimes the labels can get in the way, creating some bias. The feminine is a soft kind of energy - gentle, nurturing, careful (full of care), forgiving and so on. Even the female form is generally soft and a little squishy. The masculine is a firm kind of energy - strong, commanding, carefree (risk takers who climb trees as kids), take no prisoners and so on. The male form is generally less soft and resembles more of a powerhouse. All traits give us certain abilities.
Both forms and both energies are highly attractive in a variety of ways. In some cases, it's not so much a matter of who we're attracted to. It can be more about why we're attracted to these forms and energies. Do they trigger more excitement, do they offer the opportunity for us to balance our self out, do they offer the chance to delve into the world of wonder and experimentation and so on? Sexual energy is a whole other level of excitement.
So, you could ask your self the question 'What kind of energy do I currently have (is it balanced) and what kind of energy am I looking for in a partner?'. See what naturally comes to mind.
Btw, I don't believe you're thinking too much. I do believe you're wondering a lot instead. You're a wonderful person.
I will start with the confusion ... like therising I dont think you are over thinking. We can either examine the issues or pretend nothing happened. And if we examine the issue it can present some challenges to be addressed and raises many questions, which can appear confusing. In this way it may be painful to do this instead of thinking "that was weird!" and doing nothing with the thought.
If you were able to get an answer to the questions/thoughts raised, would that allow you to be able to put an answer into a box and say "that is what I am". I don't really know where on the spectrum (sphere) of sexuality you might fit and talking to others in those groups you might be able to find where you belong.
finally, and this is more about myself perhaps but ... I try to find answers to my questions and if I find something on the Internet that closest matches what I am thinking I will say "there is my answer". And I take that to my psychologist, I can get a "yeah.... but....." and that is because she has more experience and knowledge than myself. Which takes my back to the prev. paragraph, that by asking and chatting with others you will get the answer. Regardless, you are also a special and unique person that deserves celebration.
Thanks for the replies, I've had a lot to think about and still trying to figure things out. I don't expect things to be sorted anytime soon but Rome wasn't made in a day.
I do think I need to be more open on this since I've spent pretty much all of my life avoiding the topic and just put it down to me not being interested. I'm going to try and find some more people to talk to but never having had this conversation before, I don't really know where to look. I can continue to talk about it here for as long as people are interested in it, but I would like to find others too.
Someone once gave me a piece of advice that I wish to share, in the hope that it changes your life in all the ways you desire. I also happened to read a book not too long after which offered the same life changing advice and this is - Find your circle.
You can have a circle of friends, close family, extended family, work colleagues etc who don't necessarily have the same understanding, experience and view points as you. These are the people who may not hold the ability to raise you to discovering and loving who you naturally are. To love who you naturally are is an amazing feeling. This is where finding your circle of people who can support you and raise you to find the best in yourself comes in. For some folk, actually being in the wrong circle of people can become deeply depressing.
Sounds like you've begun looking for that circle of people you need in your life. I imagine, when you find these people, they will lead you and raise you through a lot of revelations, a lot of self acceptance, a lot of mind altering positive new beliefs and so on.
The other tip that was given to me involves the fact that our circle can change over time. The first group of people may basically raise us to productively question all the things we've found questionable. The next may raise us to love questioning and wondering and imagining who we have the potential to become. The next may involve the people who push us/challenge us to go so far outside the square to the point we become truly amazed by who we naturally are. Never in a million years could we have imagined our self to be this incredible. Sometimes we may even take a friend from one circle with us into the next. In 'gathering' new friends along the way, at some point we become surrounded by people who have done nothing but raise us to discover both the best in our self and who we naturally are.
Personally, I found one of the toughest parts of such a process involves letting go/detaching from the people who did or do the opposite of raising me. In this process, I've come to define 'guilt' as simply asking me 'Who do I want to be?'. Guilt is nothing more than a point or kinda 'signpost' of consciousness, not actually a bad thing. If I choose to be 'She who discovers who she naturally is', letting go of certain people is not my fault, letting go is a gradually developing ability.
I'm so glad you've found that piece 🙂
The guy who first gave me this piece of advice is an absolute legend. I suppose you could say he's an advisor to the soul. He works as a 'spiritual coach' (non religious by the way). I see him on the odd occasion when I'm in need of support and direction.
I met him a few years ago when I was 47, when I could feel myself slipping back into depression. At that point, I'd been free from depression for about 13 years. It was perfect timing. Fist time I saw him, he led me to tears. His advice 'You need to forgive yourself for moving off the path to becoming who you naturally are. Don't be so hard on yourself if you lose your way occasionally'. On this occasion, his other advice was 'People are going to throw mud and sh*t at you as you become more of who you naturally are. You have to learn to wash of the mud'.
Being one of those quirky 'Signs from the Universe' sort of gal, the sign I found on the way home from meeting this incredible man made me laugh. Pulled up to a red light and looked over to my right to find a huge billboard that read 'WASH OFF THE MUD'. It was a sign advertising laundry powder. I do believe the powers that be (whatever they are) have a sense of humour 🙂
Hi All, sorry for not responding for a while, was doing a lot of thinking.
I tried to get in contact with some sexual counselling where I live but they're not taking new clients which is annoying, but I do have this so at least I have some back and forth with another person and not just myself. I did find a group happening this weekend where I might get to speak to some people face to face. Other than that just been doing a lot of thinking, I know my friends and family would be okay if I did tell them I was gay, they were all very supportive when I told them I was trans. However telling anything to my parents will be hard at the moment since they're both dealing with some major issues of their own.
As for myself, I would be okay with myself if I were gay, it would finally explain why I never really fit in at school and why m such a bad romantic...with women at least. But therising is right, I do wonder a lot, I've got quite the imagination. These fantasies I often have all kind of involve similar men, not alpha men but more in the middle of masculine and a little feminine I guess, I'm not sure how to explain it. Also, one thing I've noticed about my fantasies and dreams is that they are not often very sexual in nature, but more emotional? Affectionate? once again, I'm not sure how to describe it. Often it involves me with another man just being happy together, they never never delve into anything too extreme. But I have to admit, these fantasies are nice, or comforting.
I don't know if this has something to do with me being very feminine for a guy, well, considering I did at one point want to transition so that's not very surprising, I often go by the label as Effeminate or Crossdresser now days. Anyway, I guess everyone's free to free associate on whether any of this is important.