Out Late and lost

[Mike60]

Hi , I am mature in age and in my late 50's came out to my wife that I was Bi sexual but in reality I am gay and have always been that way but have hidden it and other than flirtation never acted on my feeling .Living in a heterosexual marriage with a great wife who has respect for my sexuality and wants to keep our marriage together ( I must be a great catch) HaHa. I find a bit of a conundrum in the fact that I can be what I am in an open relationship but feel the guilt of be-trail for having a relationship outside the marriage. I have since coming out had encounters with other men and find it more and more stimulating . The thing is it has becoming more and more obsessive but getting a real connection ( male) companion is very hard .I am feeling like I am straddling two world one foot in the straight world and one in the gay. I find it very hard to find a male as I am reluctant to go out to function that have been organised by gay social groups to meet people in case I am recognized and I embarrass my wife. This very important to me that she doesn't get hurt. Most of my life has been building relationship as a heterosexual and probably over compensating for being gay but in reality you cant stop internal feeling and in doing have developed very up and down mood .

[Definitely_Otherwise]

G'day Mike,

I won't pretend I know what you're going through. I am gay (lesbian), but I think that you situation is quite unique juggling an open relationship in a world that generally speaking frowns upon that. I don't frown upon it. What works for one couple, may not work for the next but and as long as you communicate and don't tell lies, I guess you figure it out as you go. I have straight friends that are in one, and in the past have had gay mates in one.

I'm trying to imagine if I was a gay bloke and I met this wonderful guy and he said, well actually I am married to a women and I never intend to leave that marriage. It will make connections tough. It will take a certain type of person that is comfortable with that. Of course there's all the worries of safe sex for your wife as well.

You're in an unusual place of where it is no longer a secret to the most important person in your life, and yet you are unable to move through the world as an out gay man. It is no wonder you feel down.

I will say though that I understand the loneliness that you feel and what this can do to your mood. It sucks. It's really hard meeting people, especially if you move around a lot.

Do you mind me asking why you can't be out to everyone and you've chosen to stay married?

Def

[Only_I_know]

Hey Mike60, welcome to the forums.

I hear what you are saying, I came out last year at 47 to my wife of 20 years and 2 kids. It was a very tough time, I have a thread on here starting April last year. I too have a very supportive wife, though in November last year we separated. She remains my best friend.

I haven't had any type of relationship with a man yet, but I know that will come. I'm just getting used to me being me. I am going out a bit to gay groups, more to just expand my social network than to meet someone. I guess that'll happen when it happens. I'm not interested in the hook up apps.

If you are starting feel bad about doing things in an open relationship, then you probably need to talk to your wife.

Can I also suggest having a chat to a counsellor? I think that now you understand what you really want it is only going to get harder, and in your words "becoming more and more obsessive" you may end up only hurting yourself and your wife.

You aren't all that much older than I am, and I'm guessing you are saying "bah" to a counsellor, that's what I thought, but it has been so helpful I can't really express it. I contacted QLIFE - a peer based gay counselling line who recommended a gay psychologist. They will provide so much clarity for you.

take care of your wonderful wife, she is a champ, just like mine. There are so many out there who come out at a mature age, everyone has baggage of some sort, and their partners turn very hostile.

keep communicating to your wife, if you are starting to feel that you need to explore looking for a male relationship even more, then she may find it even more confronting. That's one of the areas a gay psychologist can help.

Good luck, keep chatting. There are lot of people on here that are or have been in similar situations.

cheers

Daz

[Mike60]

Hi Def, sorry to take so long to respond .I know what you are saying why cant I be out in the open to everybody. My answer to that I suppose is that I have been married to a wonderful lady for 40 + years she has seen me thru some very challenging health issues in the passed where a lot of people would have walked away because life is to difficult. I owe her my support even if I am attacked to men more than females . I do love her. I have always been honest to her and until I came out to her had not strayed with men. She has given her blessing to explore but in doing so has created a internal turmoil in myself about right and wrong. I have know that I am gay from early teens but because of my very strict up bring was afraid to be open about it and conformed to what is socially acceptable and within the law when growing up.Since coming out I feel like I am stretched between the persona of a straight man with all the social circles which I developed over the years with all the bias towards gays and what I am in reality . I plead guilty in hiding behind those biases to camouflage the real me. Its been very hard to adjust and change . Regard Mike

[Mike60]

Hi Daz, Just to let you know I have a very good doctor and Councillor who have calmed to torrid of bad thoughts on occasions, but I still have a long way to go . I need to talk to people in similar environment so I can get there prospective. Currently both people I am talking to although very experienced in sexual health are heterosexual and live in a male female relation ship. It would be good to get feed back from people in similar situations. Regards Mike

[Definitely_Otherwise]

G'day Mike,

I understand what you're saying. I too, was brought up in a very conservative part of Australian Society, and to be different was - absolutely disgraceful, in fact, I don't think they had words for devitaing from the hetero norm, back then.

I'm pretty sure that according to the DSM when you were born, that homo was apparently still a mental illness, was it not?! How crazy is that. At the end of the day, you are, where you have found yourself today and those backward ideas are ludicrous to say the least. But you still exist in a society that holds onto some of that discrimination.

At the end of the day, it is only yourself, and your wife that can dictate the terms of your relationship going forward.

I guess if it is an open relationship, she may meet another fella before you do. You could both fight over him if you like, Ninja style. No, but being serious I guess, there is no knowing how you will both cope with jealousy, sadness, regret and resentment until it happens. Maybe it won't, and you'll both just coast along as you always have for years down the track.

But if you think about it logically Mike, you say you crave connection with another guy and that you are becoming quite obsessive over it - the reality is, that if that actually happened tomorrow - you would have a very messy situation on your hands. Domestic bliss, would become domestic nightmare. It is no longer a sexual fantasy that you imagine in your bedroom late at night by yourself- but a reality. Are you guys ready for that after all these years?

There's a lot of loyalty with your wife, but if either of you falls in love with someone else, ultimately, I think that your loyalities may change.

The solution is to keep communicating. Be honest. And try and ride the waves the best you can. If one of you choses to coast into shore, and eject - there's no shame in that. Some times we have to draw the line in the sand to protect our own heart.

I guess you guys are both on a journey of discovery and your relationship will be tested.

Def

[Only_I_know]

Hey Mike, I completely understand where you are coming from. Whilst I wasn't married to my wonderful woman for quite as long (20 years) I completely get it. One of the things I battled with was the guilt. My wife has been nothing but supportive and loving.

I've moved out though, in part so she could get on with her life. She is still at an age where I hope one day she will find another nice guy to spend the rest of her life with, though she says that she doesn't want that, she is content just doing her own thing. Of course, the rest of it was about me. I too never strayed. I'm still to experience things though, but the main goal is to get my health right. Physical and mental. It's still pretty new to me, it's been less than a year since I told her.

I get all the camouflage stuff - exactly what I did.

I can't agree more though, you need a Gay councillor. I have one, and it has been the best thing for me. If you contact QLIFE they may be able to recommend one near you.

Try joining some groups too. I googled TEAM MELBOURNE based on a recommendation, but I think there is something similar in each state. E.g. Team Sydney. On there are a whole heap of LGBT sporting groups. I joined a running/walking group. You don't have to run! It was just about getting out there and meeting different people but people I could identify with, without having to worry that they knew I was gay!

Get out, make some friends. Also look up the MEETUP app. you can find a whole heap of social groups - Gay and non gay. They have regular meetups like dinners, day trips etc. It's not about finding "someone" but making new like minded friends.

You may not want to hurt your wife and move out, but you need other people in your life with similar interests etc. Your wife may have loved and supported you for a long time, but you have done the same in return. You get only one life, and you have an opportunity to spend at least some of it on yourself. You don't need to disrespect her, by the sounds of it she just wants you to be happy.

Take care

Daz