Hey est72,
Thank you for sharing that with us. I think while it's frustrating, it's completely normal and healthy for you to feel confused right now, not only with yourself but with the whole concept of gender identity.
It's more than okay that you don't feel completely comfortable having one label and being in one box. It's okay that you don't feel completely male or female, and just because you don't feel dysphoric doesn't invalidate the fact that part of you does identify with being male in some respect. It helps to think of it as a spectrum. I think it'd be really helpful for you to actually speak to people with the same confusion as you do, or people who do identify as gender fluid.
I have people in my life who identify as they/them, or she/he, meaning they are comfortable with either male or female pronouns, and people refer to them as either or. You absolutely do not have to identify as one or the other - people can identify as both, and still feel more female than male, or more male than female. It's a spectrum. The idea that we have to choose one or the other is a social norm that's carried throughout history.
I want to let you know that your gender identity is whatever feels right to you. I think a lot of our self doubt actually stems from what you fear other people think, and from what you've said it sounds like you know that the people around you will judge you intensely. I hope this isn't the case, but of course it makes figuring yourself out a whole lot more difficult.
I hope I've helped in some way. This is a really important journey for you, feel free to share it with us on here if you need some support. I'm rooting for you 🙂
