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My husband now thinks he wants to be a female.

Miilo
Community Member

Hi everyone.

I found this forum yesterday and I would like to get some advice for my situation.

I've been married for 10 years and two young children, living happily before my husband started taking counselling due to his growing up background. I haven't expected anything with his counselling but one day he came to me he found out he has some gender identity issue. He then referred to hormone specialist and having a couple of appointments so far.

One day, he came home with some tablets the doctor gave him which contain female hormone in them. The one is acne remedies and the other one is estrogen. When I talked to him what he would like to be in the future, but he keeps saying he is not sure, but as soon as I saw the tablet, I thought he want to be a female. I was shocked.

He also found that he has Asperger syndrome around same time he found issue with gender identity, so after I was told I started depression and sleepless night from then. I had some phone counselling for myself because this is going to be a big challenge for both of us, and I need to make sure about my children too.

My counselor told me I can't make any decision for him, so all I can do is relax and live a daily life for now which was make sense. I want to respect his decision but at the same time, I sometimes think if I should leave him. The reason I think that way is this situation is definitely not I was expected and it's kind of sad I can't have romantic relationship with loving husband anymore. It seems like it's all ended. (I'm mid thirty anyway.)

I find sometimes difficult to communicate with him but he is gentle and nice person. It looks like my daily life filled with happiness is collapsed and now I'm in the darkness ALONE with a big secret I have to keep inside of me.

These days, I noticed he started shaving his body and I found an epilator in his room. Yes, he is moving forward without letting me know. I have no courage to talk about this topic right now because I am afraid to find out more things which will make me a shock again. I don't want to tell this to my parents, friends or children just yet because I am not ready to talk.

Because of this COVID situation, my children are staying home everyday even when I feel like to be alone thinking about these things but they never allow me to do so. I want to be a good mother smiling in the house but these days, it's just hard and feeling down.

Anyways, I would like someone to connect in the same boat if it's possible.

Thanks.

26 Replies 26

Lillylane
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Lassie2,

Welcome to the forums! So glad you posted and thank you for sharing your situation.

I can definitely understand the difficult questions around the future and family. Part of my challenge is accepting that our future doesn’t look anything like I thought, or planned for.

I find it hard to think ‘outside the box’ sometimes so talking to other people helps me get my feelings out, and maybe think of things I hadn’t considered before.

Thank you again, I hope the psychologist is helpful in the journey forward. I understand this isn’t easy and there’s ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ along the way.

Thanks to all on this thread for a supportive place to share xx

LL

Hello Everyone,

I have just finished reading the entire thread. You have All been through so much and I can only say that I take my hat to you All and commend you for your incredible strength, patience and willingness to try to make some sort of sense for all parties included. Whatever is your part in the scenario, you are All doing an amazing job.

James is here
Community Member

Hi Miilo,

I know this is an old post, but there is a support group in Australia that I am part of that has many partners and ex partners of trans gendered people. The organisation is called OurPath:

https://ourpath.org

OurPath is an LGBTI affirming organisation that has been helping straight spouses and partners of trans people navigate the challenges of having a gay or trans partner since 1986. If you fill out the contact form there, you will be connected with the Australian contingent of the organisation, where you will be able to get support from fellow Australians who are going through the same thing as you are going through.

All the best.

Hi James is here

Thank you so much for information on the support group! it’s much appreciated!

Thank you Learn to Fly too for your kinds words of support.

Hope all here are doing ok.

One day my partner and I are getting extremely irritated with each other and I don’t know how we are going to manage this all. Next day we have a laugh like old friends and seem to soften a bit.

Confusing times. But hoping we can each heal and move forward.

Best wishes,

LL

He1p1e55
Community Member
Hi Miilo I would love to connect with you I am in exactly the same situation but my husband is in denial about what he really wants he has ocd and has been this way since he was very young although I only found out a couple of years ago and we have been together 13 years married for 8. I am finding it hard to keep this facade of a happy marriage going but he won't just back off and just be friends. Any advice on where you have gone with All of this would be so helpful

Hello He1p1e55 and All,

A very warm welcome to the forum and thank you for reaching out.

I hope you don’t mind me asking you All: have you tried seeing a counsellor as a couple as well as individuals? This is such a complex issue, so many aspects to discuss, discover, come to terms with, accept or not, etc And it’s so important to acknowledge both parties and what both partners are going through. Your posts are the best example of how confused, hurt and lost you might feel.
I am also asking because sometimes even if the subject is openly and calmly discussed among a couple a counsellor might help both partners in opening and discussing things that might otherwise stay hidden and obstructing the process of trying to work the things out.
Again, thank you for your post. Here to chat.

Mk2692
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Miilo,

Thank you for reaching out here and I'm sorry you are going through a really challenging time. It sounds like you have been put in a really difficult situation and you don't know how to approach it. It must be difficult being with someone for quite some time then realising that things have changed. It's good that you are seeing a counsellor to help you through the emotions that you are feeling during this challenging time. I think you need some time to process all what has happened and when you are ready i think you will be able to make a decision and eventually tell everyone about it. You are doing a great job being there for him and also for your children, but don't be too hard on yourself, no one is perfect and it's ok to be upset about the situation. Lockdowns will end very soon and you will have more time on your hands to think about all these changes and maybe you will find peace soon.