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My husband now thinks he wants to be a female.

Miilo
Community Member

Hi everyone.

I found this forum yesterday and I would like to get some advice for my situation.

I've been married for 10 years and two young children, living happily before my husband started taking counselling due to his growing up background. I haven't expected anything with his counselling but one day he came to me he found out he has some gender identity issue. He then referred to hormone specialist and having a couple of appointments so far.

One day, he came home with some tablets the doctor gave him which contain female hormone in them. The one is acne remedies and the other one is estrogen. When I talked to him what he would like to be in the future, but he keeps saying he is not sure, but as soon as I saw the tablet, I thought he want to be a female. I was shocked.

He also found that he has Asperger syndrome around same time he found issue with gender identity, so after I was told I started depression and sleepless night from then. I had some phone counselling for myself because this is going to be a big challenge for both of us, and I need to make sure about my children too.

My counselor told me I can't make any decision for him, so all I can do is relax and live a daily life for now which was make sense. I want to respect his decision but at the same time, I sometimes think if I should leave him. The reason I think that way is this situation is definitely not I was expected and it's kind of sad I can't have romantic relationship with loving husband anymore. It seems like it's all ended. (I'm mid thirty anyway.)

I find sometimes difficult to communicate with him but he is gentle and nice person. It looks like my daily life filled with happiness is collapsed and now I'm in the darkness ALONE with a big secret I have to keep inside of me.

These days, I noticed he started shaving his body and I found an epilator in his room. Yes, he is moving forward without letting me know. I have no courage to talk about this topic right now because I am afraid to find out more things which will make me a shock again. I don't want to tell this to my parents, friends or children just yet because I am not ready to talk.

Because of this COVID situation, my children are staying home everyday even when I feel like to be alone thinking about these things but they never allow me to do so. I want to be a good mother smiling in the house but these days, it's just hard and feeling down.

Anyways, I would like someone to connect in the same boat if it's possible.

Thanks.

26 Replies 26

BellaB2
Community Member
Hey Miilo

Im so sorry to all you are struggling..I just find myself in the same path..

How are you?? How was these past months??

I just want to be supportive for my husband, i understand that this is very hard to be, to live. But i woke up felling so bad, and spend most of my nights crying. Its like my marriage is dying...and my heart is so hurt..i love him so much and want him to be happy, to found himself, and know that is important to be thruthful with what he belives will make him happy.

But i can't see myself happy with his change. He started to take his hormones, without telling me. He is shaving his body, getting thinner so he will looks good in women's clothes.

Its so difficult to be supportive, when your heart is being crushed. All your dreams, to have babies, to travel...just vanishing...

I fell that i pick wrong..that i should see this coming...

Im sorry...

I hope thruthfully that you fell stronger and happy.

Lillylane
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi BellaB2,

Thanks for your post. I’m in the same situation as you so I thought to say hello and hope I can be of some support.

If you feel comfortable, you may even like to start your own thread so that others see it and can support you.

I can hear you are in a lot of emotional pain and I totally understand.

Though you clearly love your husband and want to support him, at the same time you did not see this major change in your relationship coming.

I’ve also struggled with this as well. My partner has been on hormones for about a year.

When did you first find out your husband wants to transition? Have you been able to talk to anyone about it?

Here for you any time you’d like to talk.

Take care, you’re not alone in this.

Lillylane

Thank you so much, for your reply.

I could not talk to anybody about this, so i was relieved that you reach out fo me. He is starting, about a month. Says that he loves me and want me to be with him. But i don't think I can.

Fells like im the support that he need. Want to talk about clothes, hair, boobs and I don't like to talk about these things, don't have in me. I feel shame, think about my son (12 years old), who loves my husband and look at him for father and man figure. Most of the time its just sadness cause I feel im losing him.

Thank you so much, for listening to me.

Jo8049
Community Member

Hi BellaB2 , you are very brave to post here , we all care very very much . I am a trans woman , there is no shame to be had so you don't have to have shame or guilt either! .

Kids are open minded and consider gender diversity quite normal these days , which it is !

Please use BB 1300 22 46 36 line ( 24/7 ) so you can talk with a compassionate human who will be able to help or guide you to help . There is absolutely no shame in any of this change in your life .

Jo W

Lillylane
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Thank you for reaching out here, it’s a really good step in getting some support.

It can be hard to bottle up these feelings so I hope you might be able to open up to someone in your life. Helplines were vital for me, because I needed to vent my feelings, and I felt so stressed.

Do you have a trusted GP? They can also be good to talk to about your situation and what can help support you.

I have a couple of young kids too. Once they were reassured that my partner wasn’t going anywhere, they were very accepting. We all needed time to adjust and to change habits (using a different name for my partner, and ‘she/her’.

Some couples stay together, some don’t. There is no judgement either way.

But you don’t have to decide straight away.

The best advice I received is to give things time. Give yourself time.

Take care, we are always here to talk.

Lillylane

Miilo
Community Member

Hi everyone.

It's been a while I posted here and I thank all the comments so much.

I will update some of my situation. After I talked to my husband I want to support him even though he decided to be a female but he refused my offer. I think he wants to start his own new life but I could see he is still loving me and our beautiful kids.

Now, we are separated for nearly 10 months and he is transferring to female little by little. He came out to everyone around him including his work, friends and his family. He looks very comfortable now being who he is and I'm happy with that. Of course I have mixed feelings when he sent me pics dressing up in a floral dress, wearing make up, etc. However, I try to hide my feelings for HER and my kids. We even went to a family trip like we used to do. I'm start to coping it but at the same time, I feel like I try not to look into my own feelings. It's easier to hide my feelings and moving forward for now.

I was struggle to accept the fact being a single mum and we are now talking about what to do with our family home. The house we bought together to have a future with. This will be my toughest challenge ever because so much emotions with it. Also, it will affect kids too if I decided to sell it and move out for somewhere.

Anyways, I am so happy that there are people who listen to me and support me in here. I think I will need someone local to have a counseling with especially until I settle down with the house selling process.

Please take care everyone 🙂

Jo8049
Community Member

Hugs Miilo , ( as many as you want ) and so much love to all of you there .

Thank you for posting , we all care very very much . I so hope you find comfortable very very soon so you can rest a bit . Much love and hugs from us !

Jo ❤

Lillylane
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Miilo,

Thanks so much for updating us here and it’s great to hear from you!

Sounds like you and your husband have been through a lot. I understand it’s very painful thinking about selling the family home.

I hope you find a good counsellor. So important that you feel supported too.

My husband (I now refer to her as my partner, though even that doesn’t feel totally accurate) stopped wearing her wedding ring, as it obviously looks like a men’s ring. So I no longer wear mine.

We try our best to look after our family however we are no longer in love. We’ve talked about divorce but haven’t moved forward with that yet. I think we are both dreading it. Yet being married doesn’t feel right either.

I hope time will help and make the path forward a bit clearer.

Big hugs to you, and everyone reading on this thread.

LL

Miilo
Community Member

Hi Jo8049 and Lillylane.

Thank you so much for your comment. Lillylane, I totally understand your feeling. I was like that before deciding our separation. So I now think it was good he made his decision to leave us even though it was really hard to accept it at that time. I think I couldn't make the decision for myself because I wanted to save our marriage, at the same time I was sure our love was gone... I hope you are doing well and figure out what's the best for you and your partner 🙂

Stay safe everyone!

Lassie2
Community Member

Hi Miilo, LillyLane and BellaB2,

My heart goes out to you all. I am in the early stages of working through all of this with my husband at the moment. We have good days and bad days. I love him so much and only want what is best for him and for him to be happy. He is hoping he can find some middle ground where he can still be male, but have an outlet for his feminine side... but I just feel like it is inevitable that he will eventually want to transition permanently. Like you BellaB2 he says he loves me and can't do life without me and I feel the same way, except on this current trajectory, I kind of feel like I've already lost him. If we stay together, he won't be the same person that I married, and I'm not sure I will still be attracted to him anymore. If we break up I will lose him that way too. Falling out of love is probably my biggest fear. He is my best friend.

Up until now we have also been trying to have a family together, but I don't know if I should put the brakes on that for now until we have a clearer picture of what our future looks like, but I'm 34 and really want kids and a family. I dunno. What a mess. Sorry for offloading here. I am going to start seeing a psychologist soon, so I'm hoping that will help too.

Thanks for listening 🙂 Lassie2