My husband is Gay

[SadAV]

Hi,

after 14 years my husband has told me he is gay. We have 2 beautiful children and I honestly did not see it coming.

He he tells me he still loves me and doesn’t want to lose his best friend. I love him and always will

I am gutted but want to support him. We aren’t planning on separating yet but I’m sure it will come in due course.

I want ant to stay strong for him and the kids but can’t stop crying.

I’m lost

[Jackson85]

Hi SadAV,

Thanks for posting and sharing your story, that sounds like a really tough situation. It is so hard when we settle into a life we've built, and then all of a sudden that gets pulled out from under us and we don't know where we stand. That's really caring and brave of you to want to support him through this time, considering how much you're hurting.

Perhaps in this crucial time it's most important to just try to take care of yourself, and let some time pass. This is huge news, and it will surely alter the course of your lives, so there is plenty of time to work out how to best approach it. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your husband, and that you have a good family life too, which is great because you guys have strong foundations to slowly set up a new framework for all of this to work out well.

Perhaps it could be helpful to talk to someone about it, like a psychologist or counsellor, to give yourself a chance to share and explore the rush of ideas and emotions that must be buzzing around your head. But feel free to keep chatting here on the forum, I'll keep an eye on this thread 🙂

Hang in there,

Jackson85

[Alexlisa]

Hello SadAV and welcome to the forums. I’m glad you reached out here, this sounds like such a difficult time.

I was wondering if you have anyone you can talk to about this? This is a big change and you shouldn’t be alone with it. It’s going to be important that each of you has a source of support through this. Would you consider seeing a psychologist so you can talk it all through and get emotional support when you need it? Your GP will be able to give you a Mental Health Care Plan that will allow you 10 free sessions with a psychologist each year. It might be something you want to suggest your husband do also.

I also saw online that there’s an organisation called the Straight Spouse Network Australia at

https://ssnaustralia.wordpress.com/

It looks like they provide face to face, group and online support throughout Australia for partners in your position. It might be worth getting in touch with them because they’ll know exactly what you’re going through and also will be able to point you in the direction of other resources.

It’s admirable that you want to stay strong for your husband and kids, but don’t forget to take care of yourself in this. You’ve had a big shock and you’ll need to practice being kind to yourself to get through. Please reach out for support, and good luck. Don’t forget the forum is here whenever you need.

Alexlisa

[Only_I_know]

Hi SadAV Welcome to the forum, you've reached out to a great group. I'm on the other side of what you are going through, I came out to my wife of 20 years last year. I too, have 2 kids.

It gutted me to come out to my wife. I love her so dearly-and I still do. You sound so much like my wonderful wife. She loves me still, and supports me despite being on the end of the news I gave her. I came out due to shame/guilt/depression that almost cost me my life.

Jackson & Alexlisa have given some great advice, I can only agree with them. Whilst you are trying to support him with his journey, you are trying cope yourself. This may be quite difficult. You need to be honest with him on how you are feeling too, and he needs to understand what you are going through, he needs to give you time to mull over and ask any any questions you may have.

My wife and I continually communicated with each other, it wasn't always easy, there were many tears from both of us, but with calm discussion we were able to work through it and what our lives looked like going forward.

Definitely seek some counselling, there is a LGBT peer phone counselling service that you can contact called QLIFE - google them for their details. Whilst they are LGBT they can help 'allies' of LGBT people too. They can recommend a LGBT friendly counsellor or psychologist for both you and your husband. Though you don't identify with being LGBT, an LGBT counsellor can shed some light on situations that a non LGBT one can.

My wife spoke to an "everyday" counsellor, but got a great deal more comfort from spending some time with the gay counsellor that I was speaking to. He was able to clear up the questions that she had as to "how could he have loved me? yet married me knowing he was gay?" - amongst many others.

It is really important that you keep communicating with each other, not only do you have each other to consider, you need to consider the kids. unfortunately as parents, we don't get to put them away in the cupboard and forget about them whilst we deal with these important issues.

Can I ask how old your kids are? at the time I came out, my son was 16, and daughter was 10.

I moved out of the family home 6 months after coming out (last November). It has been difficult for both me and my family, but I see them all a number of times each week, talk almost every day. We have started to settle into our NEW "normal".

We all still love each other, and support each other.

Keep chatting as you need.

Take care

Daz

[SadAV]

Thanks Daz

the kids are 9 (boy) and 6 (girl). We still love each other and the confusing part is he still kisses me and hugs me every day.

we have plenty of time to work things out and I’m honestly happy if he wants to stay.

Thank you for your advice. He is seeing a psychologist already to help him understand and hopefully we can work through it together.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Sadav,

Gosh, you do sound like my wife. He is so fortunate, like I am, to have a wonderful woman in his life.

My wife told me that she didn't want to separate, but for us, that wasn't going to work. I had sunk so low, that I'm certain that if I hadn't come out, that I wouldn't be here today.

My wife deserved someone that could give her everything she needed, and I guess, I did too.

Good luck, make sure you take care of yourself as well, you are important and you matter too.

You both can work through what the future looks like. My wife and I still love each other, we still kiss and hug and call each other.

Last Thursday was our 21st wedding anniversary, and though we are no longer together, we went out and had lunch. We've decided to call it our "Happy Memory day" rather than anniversary, and will continue to do so.

As things progress, what/when and how you tell your kids is going to be important. Seek some professional help before you do.

There are other suggestions too, but I don't want to overwhelm you.

Daz

[SadAV]

Thanks Daz

I hope we can have the same relationship you and your wife do.

I am struggling at the moment as to the uncertainty of the situation.

I know it’s only early in the situation and it’s really hard for both of us I just don’t know what to do.

I want to stay together but know I have to let him go at some stage. He doesn’t even know what he wants yet!

whats harder is that I don’t associate him as being gay. I have a lot of gay friends and he is so far away from anything they are like. I’m not being stereotypical it’s just that there is nothing gay about him!

im so proud of him for telling me and getting help at the same time.

I am struggling with what the future holds and the thought of him being with someone else.

Did your wife feel the same?

thanks for listening

[Only_I_know]

Hey SadAV

you both care for each other so as long as you both continue to do so & respect each other, there is no reason that your relationship would be any different to mine. As mentioned, the key is communication, honesty, compassion,respect, & I mean that from his as well.

Gee, every time you post, you sound just like my wife. I really admire you. I only imagine how hard it is for you seeing how hard it was for my wife. Remember to seek counselling for yourself too, please. it is very important.

It is an uncertain situation. There is no going back on the words he said-words that he HAD to say no matter what. I buried it, & as mentioned, It almost took me.

I understand you want to stay together, but you are also right-you will need to let go at some stage, I'm afraid. He will have a burning desire to be himself. I didn't know what I wanted either, to be honest, still struggle with it. My wife and I both thought of each other as our "forever person". I would NEVER have come out if I could have continued to supress myself. It was only the deep depression that forced it. I would never have chosen to leave such a wonderful life.

I was faithful, never explored this side. I haven't met anyone or done anything, I still struggle with it. I knew I was gay all my life but wanted what society told me was "normal". It is a process that he will need to go through, like I did/am.

No-one associated me as being gay! the amount of jaws that dropped when I told them! It got quite amusing for me as I became more comfortable and open to discussing it with friends and family. You aren't stereotyping, there are so many gay men and women out there they just don't feel the need to show it. It's things like movies etc that stereotype what a gay person is, mostly it is just plain wrong.

My wife struggled with what the future held. She late 40's & will now need to think about whether she stays alone or finds someone. I will forever have to bear that cross, I will forever be ashamed & guilty for it. There is nothing that can be said to me that will take that away. I'm coming up to being "out" for 12mths, living on my own since November. That is difficult as it can be lonely.

I get you struggling with him being with someone else, I did/do-my wife did/does, & I'm sure your husband does too. Unfortunately nothing can be done about that, apart from remembering how much you love each other. Ask as many Questions as you need. Only to happy to help, I got lots on here too.Take care, Daz

[SadAV]

Wow it sounds like a mirror!

everything you have said is exactly us. Your words are helping to no end.

thank you. I will keep asking questions and really appreciate your help so far.

I have just confided in a friend so I have her to talk to too but it’s nothing like speaking with someone who has been through it too.

Thank you and I will chat soon

[Only_I_know]

You are most welcome SadAV!

So many people helped me through a great deal of pain and uncertainty. Talking does help. The good thing here is that we all are anonymous, so you can say what ever you want without any pressure or judgment.

I'm so happy that you now have a friend to talk to. I encouraged my wife to speak to her best friend early on. The good thing was that my wifes friend happened to be a social worker and had a fair understanding of our pain, and was able to help her without judging me and what I had done. I must admit that I was a little worried early on, I was scared that my wife would have negative people commenting in her ear, and possibly turning her against me, but everyone was amazing and supportive of both of us.

Yes, keep chatting. I check here daily, but it may not necessarily be quick, just in case I don't post for a few hours.

Cheers Daz