My heterosexual fiancé is bisexual and has been cheating on me

[merrymagicmoon]

I just found out that my heterosexual male fiancé is actually bisexual.

More importantly, I also discovered that he has been cheating on me with other men online by chatting with hordes of strangers, even before we met. Even after we began dating, he continued exchanging nude pictures with men online, engaging in online sexual talk and video-chatting with random strangers as they pleasured themselves. As of yesterday, he was still messaging these men online.

We both have LGBTQI friends that we love dearly. But in the time we’ve known each other, he has always asserted he’s heterosexual. We were planning to get married 1.5 years later.

We had a calm and tearful chat about this when I found out. He finally admitted that he has always felt he’s bisexual. He also claims that he has only been physically intimate with one man before. However, this happened during the course of our relationship when he was away on vacation. We were arguing and he hired a male escort. He claimed that he didn’t enjoy the sexual experience at all.

He has been sorrowful, apologetic and insists that his love for me is genuine. He says he doesn’t expect me to forgive him but he really wishes I could still give him a chance.

He also acknowledges that he didn’t realise this before but he now realises that his attitude has been selfish and his actions hurtful. He also feels that he has been addicted to the online interactions because of the thrill it brings, and he didn’t realise that he was cheating on me. He has agreed with me that he needs to speak to a therapist about his issues.

To further exacerbate the problem, I’ve also moved away from my home country and settled down in Australia where he is from.

1) I don’t know if I can still trust him after all this deceit even though he kept saying over and over that he truly loves me and wants to spend his life with me. He mentioned his intention was to hide this secret to his deathbed.

2) At this stage, I feel so lost. I don’t know whether to call off our engagement. I’m still in disbelief because we have a happy and strong relationship, and he is a sweet and wonderful person.

3) I don’t know if he would lie again, even though he says that he no longer has any secrets now and he has emailed a therapist to book an appointment.

4) While I feel sorry for him, I cannot comprehend how he didn’t realise he was cheating on me. Pleasuring himself with others. Online a exual chats. Physical intercourse with an escort.

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi merrymagicmoon,

I just read your story and I am so sorry you are going through this. The fact that you have just found out all of this information is so big and complicated. Sometimes when we get this type of information about someone you love and trust, you need to give yourself some time to digest it before big decisions are made. You have already started the process of reaching out here on the forum which is a great start. Giving yourself space and even finding someone to talk to yourself like a counsellor, might also be important on this journey.

I wonder if you have close friends or family members that you feel comfortable to talk about what your going though even if the support is over the phone and some timezones away? Having a person you can talk to each day is important when you are going through such a big shock and are feeling so lost. Each day you can expect to feel a different range of emotions such as shock, denial, anger, sadness etc. Having extra support around you right now can help you work through this new reality and all the feelings that come with it.

If it helps to post here, please keep posting and tell us about how you are going. You are not alone. We are listening.

Sending you strength,

Nurse Jenn