My boyfriend thinks he might be gay

[OnceWasKatie]

Hi,

I am posting here as I have no one to talk to. My boyfriend is my best friend and I would usually talk to him when I am upset but in this situation I cannot.

My bf has always been honest with me, telling me he identified as bi. Recently he told me he might be gay. He has been watching a lot of gay porn and this has made him question his sexual identity.

We have not had a great sex life for the last few months as a medical condition has made it painful for him and reduced his libido. Or at least that's what he told me, but has since admitted his thoughts about men have also been an issue.

I put my own sexual needs on hold as I did not want to put pressure on him. So I do have a bit of resentment there.

As recently as last week he was telling me how much he loves me and that he wants to marry me. This week my future is unclear.

At the moment he is trying to decide if exploring his attraction to men is something he wants to do. I am supportive of whatever he decides. As we live together I offered to leave for a couple of days to give him space. As I hugged him goodbye he grabbed me and begged me not to leave and told me "All I want is you". So I stayed.

That afternoon he visited a counsellor who told him he needed to explore his sexuality. Suddenly, "All I want is you" doesn't matter, and he asked me to leave to give him space and I have done so.

However, now I am in limbo with no idea how long he will need. His attitude towards me has also changed... he won't call me babe and no longer says I love you. Although, he still maintains that he does not want to break up. I am worried I am clinging to hope that isn't there.

He is also incapable or unwilling to offer me support although I reach out to him every now and them just to check in. Instead he is cold and distant although happy to talk to other people.

I am glad he has others to talk to but where's my support?

I feel guilty like I should not feel abandoned and angry at his lack of kindness and support, as I know he is going through a very difficult time. But is it too much to expect him to recognise that I too am in pain?

How can I be the love of his life and the best relationship he has ever had (both according to him) one day, and treated like an acquaintance the next?

This leaves me feeling like he just wants the relationship to be over. And I'm the fool for holding out hope.

So confused and scared!

[PamelaR]

Hi OnceWasKatie and warm welcome to our community

It's great you've found your way to the forums. I can understand how you feel confused and scared. Things are sounding very difficult for both of you at the moment.

I don't think you are a fool for holding out hope. Not all relationships fall apart because of one's sexuality. There is a lot of work to manage the relationship but it can continue with guidance and support. And of course if the love, friendship and caring is still there. It all depends on a lot of things really whether your relationship will continue or not.

In situations like you are in - it's important to get help for yourself. Talking is really good. You say you have no one to support you. Just wonder if you have a trusted family member or close friend? I realise your partner is your best friend, however, is there anyone else you can turn to? Alternatively you could go to your doctor and get a referral to a health professional (psychologist or counsellor)?

You're not alone OnceWasKatie. I'm sure others will come here to give you their thoughts. We all have different ways of managing our mental health conditions. While some work for one, others may not find it so useful. Keep reaching out if and when you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Keypi]

Hi OnceWasKatie,

As PamelaR stated I'm sure this is a difficult time for the both of you, and what you're feeling is just as important too. You shouldn't feel guilty because your feeling matter too. It can be really hard in these situations as I myself have realised recently is that my wife was my only friend and support and we have decided to give each other a bit of space to spend a bit more time focusing on our selves. It has been a very lonely week as I have realised I have no one else to talk to now and I am finding it hard.

I have finally decided that I will talk to my GP tomorrow about my mental health, the GP can provide you with a mental health plan so that you can go to a counsellor or psychologist with some medicare subsidy.

Its a good start to reach out here on the forums, so far for me everyone has been really supportive and has made me feel a bit better for reaching out. This first part will be tough so its good to find someone to connect with until you can have a good conversation with your BF. Good Luck!

Keypi 🙂

[OnceWasKatie]

Hi Pamela R

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.

My bf and I are taking a break while he explores his sexuality.

While things are very hard, I have reached out to old friends and family for some support. I will also be seeking professional help.

I am trying to look at this as an opportunity to improve myself and my life. I am doing better but still dread my low moments.

I'm sure I will be posting on here again as the support I have received on here has been really helpful.

-OnceWasKatie-

[OnceWasKatie]

Hi Keypi and thank you!

I'm glad you have decided to talk to a professional. I am glad I have too.

I have reached out to some old friends as well. I was scared to do this as I felt I had been a bad friend by not staying in touch with them. It turns out they didn't feel this way at all. Instead they were just happy to reconnect and pick up where we left off.

Perhaps this may be an option for you?

I know that getting out and doing something enjoyable with my friends will be healing and a much needed escape from my own thoughts!

-OnceWasKatie-

[Only_I_know]

Hey OnceWasKatie

just jumped back on the forums after a week interstate for work, to see your post. Really glad you found your way here.

You are in an incredible position, one that you would never have thought to be in, but it seems to be one that is not all that uncommon.

I came out to my wife last year, after 20 years of marriage. When your BF tells you that he loves you, you probably already realise that he may be telling you the truth. I love my wife, and still do. She is my hero. We recently separated, however if I could have continued to keep my true self secret - I would have, and we would still be together. I'm fortunate that my wife supported me, and continues to as I now discover the person I'm meant to.

I realised though that it is important to support her in return. She was hurting, angry/upset etc but always gave me whatever I needed.

I understand what your BF is going through, but he needs to realise that you are going through something confusing as well and whilst it may not be the same thing as he is, you are important.

You've already received some great advice above, and I can only echo the words of having someone to talk to. I think it is really important though, that you and your BF continue to communicate.

Whatever happens between you from here - whether it be together forever or not - great friends that have shared so much together are really hard to find. He needs to understand that you've been there for him whilst he works it out - if he decides he is gay then okay - but you are his friend and it can remain that way providing there is love and respect.

I guess, he isn't the only one that needs to make a decision, you need to as well. What if he decides he is BI now - what about in 5 or 10 years? will the feelings resurface? That'll be harder for you then to readjust your life. You sound as though you will be okay if he is gay and that although you may be hurt, and it may be the end of you being a couple, that you would still be there for him as a great friend? That just shows how awesome of a person you are.

Seek some help as suggested, and chat here as often as you need.

cheers

Daz

[Ruby__2]

You are not alone in this.My husband of came out to me after 32yrs.

After a lot of drama(psych hospital for 2 months for him),I initiated separation. However, we are still maintaining our marriage for a lot of reasons. The main one being no matter what, I still love him and he me.

If you can accept how he is and you still feel respected and loved,only you can decide if this is what you want.After all this time together(over 40yrs) I see our relationship as more than a sexual activity!I think you get that.

Only I know said it all.We can only offer our encouragement and support whatever you decide.Talk and then talk some more to your boyfriend.But do not compromise your happiness for nothing.Just my thoughts, coming from my experience.

Best thoughts to you.

Ruby2