Is there something wrong with me feeling curious about sex and sexuality?

[asianaussie]

I am 25 years old, still a virgin. I am also bisexual. I have grown up (and still live with) a conservative Christian family who are very strict and touchy with anything that goes their beliefs. From clothes to interests, career and relationship choices, etc.

Although I left the church 2 years ago, it is still a huge struggle for me to really be able to be myself. This includes finding relationships and socialising, engaging in the things typical teens/youth do. Lately I've really been wanting to experiment sexually and have been making efforts through what I wear, going to the gym to lose weight and get toned.  Out f curiosity I've visited a strip club just to mingle with strippers/dancers, I've even gone to the point where I've been looking for escorts to go date and have sex with, even start a relationship with.

So far, no one knows this thankfully. I know this is morally disgraceful, that this is risky and 'bad' for my future, my reputation. But honestly, after having lived so many years being told 'don't dress, don't do/say this', 'don't sin', I just want to be free and truly embrace independence. I'm sick of having to be the good girl, 'waiting for the right man' and settling down. When I see couples (especially lesbian couples), I can't help but feel jealousy and resentment.

I have kept to myself for so long, because it feels like people will judge and criminalise me for wanting to be free sexually. I am at a loss on what to do. Any advice/experiences?

[Sophie_M]

Dear asianaussie,
 
Thank you so much for posting here today. We'd really like to point out that this is such an important topic, and acknowledge how very strong you are, and what a difficult journey you've been on. Thank you for sharing it with us all here on the forums today.
 
The feelings you are experiencing seem very understandable in the circumstances, and are very complex in nature, and we can't wait to read the amazing responses and support we know you will find here on our beautiful forum space.
 
We'd also like to make sure we offer you some really valuable sources for referral purposes, and we'd love to encourage you to continue to reach out, grow, continue to be strong and proud of who you are. You're amazing.
 
Just in case you haven't already, please consider the following:
Call us on 1300 22 4636 or contact us via chat online here: Chat (both available 24/7)
Consider calling QLife Here on 1800 184 527 (or also via webchat) from 3pm to midnight, every day. They also have some amazing resources available on their website that may be helpful for you as well...
 
Once again thank you for sharing your experience and reaching out today, many forum members may have experience with some of the challenges you've mentioned and we think you (and others) will find great value in all of their kind and supportive responses.
 
Kind regards,
 
Sophie M

[sbella02]

Hey Asianaussie,

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings here on our forums. Fellow bisexual here, I also grew up Catholic (although I'm no longer religious) so I know how religion can influence how we view sex and our own sexuality.

The internal conflict you're experiencing is very normal, it's okay. I know how frustrating it is to be seeing these strict, conservative rules being enforced about sex/sexuality, but feeling misrepresented by heteronormativity. I found comfort in online forums and spaces where exploration of sexuality is discussed openly and honestly. There are many queer influencers/creators who also discuss issues and experiences related to sex/sexuality, so I'd encourage you to have a look around to see who you may resonate with.

I've also visited strip clubs out of curiosity, asking questions is always a good place to start. As I started talking to the girls, I found a few people with similar experiences to mine of coming to terms with their sexuality, which was reassuring and made me feel more at ease.

Do you have any loved ones/friends who are queer that you know of? Or anybody close to you who you've told about your sexuality, or who you could tell? Finding people who can relate to your experiences can also be comforting, as you can bond over similar situations and feelings.

Honestly, my best advice is to explore your feelings within reason - take things at your own pace, if you don't feel comfortable doing something, you don't have to force yourself to take part. As for resisting judgement, my best advice here would be to prioritise your own comfort, needs, and self-confidence, and you'll find that the more you back yourself, the less you'll care about what others think. It may be easier said than done but like anything, total self-love is a journey, not a destination. It takes work, consistency, and patience, and will be filled with both ups and downs.

I hope this advice helps, and please feel free to continue chatting with us.

SB 🙂

[tmas]

Also bisexual (a loose term, I’m attracted to people regardless of sex/gender), also grew up repressed and catholic. It may be a problem that family won’t acknowledge your queerness or desire for sexuality, but you’re an adult now and respect for taking charge!

It’s important to consider what lengths are best to take, sometimes “getting firsts out of the way” becomes a goal, and when a person sets a specific goal they’ll often compromise with other aspects of the job (like intimacy, or safety). I was certainly guilty of this, and found the experience to be a little numbing and overall more confusing and unfulfilling. And really a relationship can’t be transactional, you can date a person who is also a sex worker, but if you are a client seeking a service from them I can’t imagine they’d allow ‘dating’. So know what you want first, if its casual dating, relationship, hookup, or instructional. I’m sure you're on it, but read up on safe sex and consent in case your religious upbringing didn’t cover something, I’m not sure how much detail BB allows!

A good route may be to look for social settings. I’ve heard from bi femme friends (and felt myself) that there’s often a preference to start this process with other queer women. There are spaces to try this like dating apps (you could try this for hetero interactions too but this can be overwhelming) or maybe a bar that does a singles or “girls only” night (just a space for queer feminine people looking to mingle). I haven’t been because I like to be in bed at 9, but I know there isn’t pressure to drink or push anything too far unless you want to. I hear there are rowdier options and quieter options, and I also don’t know your geographical scope (sydney is quite well indulged). Sadly some of these events didn’t recover from the initial quarantine but they should be starting up again.

Finally, just know that your appearance won’t determine your worth. Frankly, a person is beautiful/sexy because they are unique, I’m a life drawer/artist so I know! A paper cut out of “attractive.jpeg” isn’t what most people will connect with, it’s genuine interest and magnetism that you’ll never find in a book or gym. I don’t want to get preachy, but nothing is hotter than a self-possessed person with whom you are mutually attracted. And you aren’t morally disgraceful, you’re learning 🙂