Is it possible to stay friends with your ex husband and have a full relationship with a new female partner?

[Esti67]

Hi everyone,

I have posted as Esti on another thread but my situation and its complications are vastly different to my original post. I am 51 and newly out. After a tumultous 6 months i am now living as a lesbian following separating from my husband who I've been in a relationship with for 35 years. I am out to the people i care about and i am in a relationship with a wonderful woman who i have known for the last 18 years. Things have been good as we are exploring what our relationship is. We would love to live together, I love her, she loves me. I have been included in her life as fully as possible. I have met her family, friends and kids. This us a very big deal to her. Coming out has been very new to me and only a few people know about her. My kids dont (they are adults) but this is changing as i am telling them on Wednesday as i cant stand the secrecy and its causing major problems in our relationship. I desperately want to have her as fully in my life as i am in hers so I've made the decision after a robust conversation to just tell them. I have been scared to so far but understand why this is such an issue. I am still good friends with my ex but my partner feels that this is really inappropriate considering this is all new and its sending mixed messages. Effectively, she's not prepared to have a relationship with someone who doesnt include her as a fuller part of her life as well as being attached to her ex. I completely understand her point and am putting in boundaries with my ex (as hard as it is) and telling my kids, family and important friends about her. My question is has anyone from the LGBTQI community experienced this before when being with someone who still has a lot of attachment to a previous straight relationship. In her words, i am still having an emotional relationship with my ex which means i still have 2 partners even though i have physically moved out of the family home. This us way harder than i thought it would be.I appreciate your thoughts.

E

[demonblaster]

Hi Esti67 and readers ☺

I haven't been in your situation so not speaking from experience but I'll yak anyway ☺

I can see some from your girlfriends point of view but from yours too. It's very early days that you've come out and I wish you all the best in your relationship, great that you've known eachother a fair while but I imagine it's with trepidation telling family as you might not know how they'll react. How I see it you're not being unfaithful and that you're gay or bi is your business as in your choice which is your right. Fortunately these days slowly LGBTI is in the open more and hopefully understanding without prejudice is around more.

Thing is though I'm sure this ladies lovely and you've known her 18 yrs but this is new to you and I think it's beautiful you're still friends with your ex, 35 yrs is a long time. From how you speak here of your girlfriend you certainly sound very in love with her. I guess what I'm trying to say not particularly well 😊 is it sounds like to me I could be wrong but there's big change for you and is your lady seeing from your point of view too. There said it. Sorry not trying to put her down at all just sounds like you do have a lot to face which you need support with as well

Personally I don't feel it's reasonable to expect you not to still be in touch and friends or am I catching the wrong drift if so apologies.

I really do hope this goes well for you especially having known her for so long.

Best of ☺

Hope to hear how it all goes darl. Cya

[Definitely_Otherwise]

I haven't been in your situation E, I have been with someone who ran back to their husband, but I think your gf has the nervous jitters and once she feels more secure in the relationship she will calm down and realise being friends with your ex is fine and natural considering your long history and he is the father of your kids.

I guess from your gf perspective that history is very intimidating. I would be intimidated and underneath probably scared you'll go back to him. Lets face it E, most people after 50, don't want to turn their lives upside down, and it is easier to stay. She would be worried about this. I've had friends tell me they sleep in separate bedrooms to their spouse. I was like OMG I would rather be single and get a dog. That's just me, maybe I am too much of a romantic and I am not as pragmatic as some, but a lot of people are, and don't want to have to split finances and the fear of being alone is too terrifying for them. They would rather be alone in the spare room than alone alone.

If I was your lady I would be asking myself, why am I a secret. Why doesn't she want her kids to know about me. Also your ex husband popping the door to do your laundry would freak me out. I would try and rationalise to myself that it was a very long marriage, but if you've been hurt before, old wounds can open and start effecting new relationships. Prior to you, what is your gf history in terms of hurt and heartbreak? It would be effecting her.

But from your perspective E it is very early and very fresh and scary. I underestimated how scary it is to come out later in life. I am definitely guilty of that. You probably feel you may get a lot of judgment from ppl, such as"like if your're LGBTI what the hell was the last 35 years about?". They don't understand that society actually is still very conservative and especially ppl raised inside of religious families.

I think your gf takes it for granted how long she has been out of the closet and she is feeling insecure. Maybe try gently asking her what her insecurities are and what about being mates with your husband worries her. She has to realise that some people burst out of the closet but for other ppl its feel healthier to be gradual and measured. Everyone is different

I hope it goes OK on Wednesday, I guess it makes it more real, which is what your gf wants, but what your husband most definitely does not want. Your juggling so many ppls emotions, be kind to yourself

Def

[Esti67]

Thanks Demonblaster and Def,

I agree with both of you. I feel very torn between my feelings of resentment that my partner is being a touch needy as i (and my family) are still navigating this and its so raw and new, and knowing the importance of having her as a legitimate part of my life (which i want to show to the world) Both myself and my ex are very clear that there was nothing romantic about catching up on saturday night, we were essentially mates , which we are. When i got back to hers she was frosty. This forced the discussion which ended with its impossible to move forward with my new relationship if there is still so much attachment to my old relationship. I do get it but it's tricky. In her words this (one on one catch ups) is only temporary until i can establish my relationship as legitimate to the other important parts of my life. We all plan to catch up for a beer soon after i have told the kids. Remember, we all have known each other for 18 years and we all think this necessary even if very awkward.

I'm glad you said demonblaster that it is a bit unfair because that's how i feel too but as you said def, i can completely understand her insecurity especially as she is still a secret in an essential part of my life. You articulated her words exactly

Im glad to be telling my kids about her tonight, my brother friday and extended fam on the weekend. I think this will help us.I know how big a deal it was for her to introduce me to her kids, family and friends especially given her last relationship.

Re the boundaries, my ex and i had the discussion and he understands that i have to feel separated and i need my privacy. He was very hurt though and feels like i am being pushed around.

Wish me luck tonight my daughter isn't going to be happy but the cards will fall where they fall. In time she will be ok

Thanks for your wise words

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

It's completely reasonable to want to be friends with your ex, I guess until your gf feels more secure that this is what you want, her insecurities will surface. I suppose from her perspective you are just as surprising as she is to you. She exited and awful relationship and didn't want to be attached. But you've snuck under the wire and she's fallen in love. Once that happens we feel vulnerable and these sorts of things happen. Its hard for me E cos I was left in the dust so I can see her side. I'll be honest, I have promised myself I will never ever ever ever date someone whol claims they are separated. See ya later, if you ever divorce maybe we can chat then. Especially if they are over +50. I have learnt the hard way, that resentments build and ppl get used as experiments and a bit of fun. When I look around the ppl that go ahead with a divorce are generally in their 30s and 40s. People in their 50s may separate for a while, have the best of both worlds while they have, but then return to base camp. They can seek validation from books, movies, fliritng with their high school boyfriends and not undo their marriage. Your gf is a women of the world she would have precedents all around her that feed her fears. She'd be panicking that she's risked her heart and you'll go back to your husband.

That said E, be sensible! If something doesn't sit right with you speak up! You guys have to have open and honest communication from the get go. Would it be fanciful for me to suggest your gf, ex-husband and you all go out for coffee? .......maybe in a months time and your gf's anxiety has settled that it's a little more official, and she feels rassured she hasn't been taken for a ride.......I hope it isn't fanciful and these are just the teething problems of enormous change.

One thing is for sure keep some autonomy. Do not move in with one another. Lesbians are notorious for merging way way too fast and it complicates things too early, and it actually smoothers the intimacy. There's no rush to live in the same house as tempting as it may be.

I hope it goes Ok with your kids tonight. Of course it will be raw. I'll be honest E, ppl always think the worst. Be prepared that you may get some accusations of an affair and that she stole you off your ex-husband and that your gf is a home wrecker that destroyed matrimonial bliss. The thought that women may boldly want something for herself is too much for some ppl. They can't imagine that you have needs.

[demonblaster]

Thanks Esti hi DO and readers ☺

I think most new couples go through testing times. It takes time to settle in with eachother. At this point you're both early days in your relationship both I imagine feeling quite vulnerable and it's understandable for insecurity in early days until everyone knows where they stand and understand the person more which happens in time.

I do agree with definately otherwise if you don't feel comfortable do speak up. Communication and honesty are musts in a relationship.

Sad your ex was hurt, I imagine he'd be quite lonely as well and trying to find his feet.

I still personally don't feel it's fair to expect you not to be friends with ex. Another good thought from Definately to have a cuppa sometime.

There are always teething problems I think its human nature. I see it as calm water some one new comes in the scene which creates some ripples, then it calms again.

Hope it wasn't too hard on you telling the kids, if it was from their perspective hopefully in time they'll come to terms with a new situation. You're allowed to be happy hun.

Thanks for keeping in touch

Best ☺⚘

[Esti67]

Thankyou both for your insight, again, i value both of your perspectives. Last night went as i thought and it was exhausting. The secrecy was damaging my already fragile relationship with the kids so I'm glad everything is out in the open even if it is hard to hear. My daughter particularly is upset that she knows her and isnt keen to meet anytime soon, which is fine. Patience and time for all of us

My partner understands that this will take time and maybe this will settle down the insecurities. I do wish the issue hadn't had to be forced but i understand why it did.

I think that if my ex husband was the one who was gay and left in the same way i don't feel he would have got the same grief as i am getting. As they kept saying, " but you are our mum " almost like i am not allowed to make decisions or change my life and live one that feels more like me. I understand that their little bubble has been burst and it's hard.

And by the way, the three of us are meeting tonight, hopefully it will go a lot better than last night. We all want to do this so hopefully this is a way of moving into the next stage . We all actually like eachother despite the emotions and hurt.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

I completely agree with you E. Some people may roll their eyes when they see a lesbian whinge about patriarchy – but it’s true. If the shoe was on the other foot I don’t think that your husband’s role in the family would be used against him as a guilt trip to not come out. Simply because everyone in the family is used to his role, and it has become indispensable to the support of everyone else’s emotions and they can’t imagine it every changing. Even if he’s unhappy, deeply unfulfilled and full of longing and yearning for something deeper.
I also don’t think your ex-husband would be popping the door of your unit to do the washing if you were dating another bloke. I think he would sense a very strong boundary that that was not cool, and that you’d moved on. Being a women it must still feel experimental and not quite legitimate. I know that that probably isn’t the actual case, he seems like a great guy and a top bloke, but from your gf’s perspective, and at times your own, that’s how it would feel inside and may be interpreted.

I think your daughter’s reaction is probably indicative of where she’s at inside herself. She’s not 14. Didn’t you say she’s about 25. But there’s been grief in the family with the passing of a significant elder. Another major change to people she looks up to as an anchor, ie YOU, is shifting, and she feels vulnerable. Unfortunately she’s sounding a little sheltered, that she’s had a very fortunate and stable upbringing compared to some, and that change isn’t something she’s often had to do.

I guess at the end of the day she feels bad for your ex-husband. So do you and your gf. No one teaches you that following your happiness is painful, but sometimes it is. If you hadn’t of taken the leap you would have resented him, and hurt him, just in a different way. You were damned if you do and damned if you don’t. We’ve all met bitter people in life, and sometimes they’re bitter because they know that deep down, if they’d taken a risk, and decided to leap into change or chosen to leave & risk being single, maybe their life would be different – but they chose not to, and am angry at themselves for it. You have E. It will be a process. There's no knowing how it will all pan out...I really hope that your ex husband has mates he connects with & is talking to, because at the moment you seem to be carrying it all.

Take a time out from everyone this week, even gf. Go to the movies or get your hair done or just jump in the car and drive!

Def

[Esti67]

Thankyou Def

E

[demonblaster]

Hi all 😊

People well many have a lot of trouble with change. In time I hope the family can adjust and support you.

They're saying you're our Mum, nothings changed in that department you'll always be their loving Mum. I wonder if they feel insecure that you're leaving.

I hope the 3 of you had a comfortable time together.

Thanks for keeping us in the loop hun.

It's all new for everyone, in time darl it'll settle I hope ☺

Best to you 🌹