I Feel like I'm Fake

[LittleMissAlice]

Hello there!

This is my first time doing this... Um, I guess I'll just start?

Hellooooooo, my name is Marie, I've been transgender for a while now (maybe 2 years? I don't know) but recently I've been feeling very Down In The Dumps about it all.

I think it just randomly kicked in that, while I'm female in my head, I'll never, ever be able to be fully, biologically female, which is a bit depressing, obviously.

I've just been feeling like I'll always be fake, no matter what I do. That I'll never have the right experiences, the right body, the right anything to be, I don't know, correct.

Theres also the realisation that it's done. There's no second chances or second lives or anything, I had one shot, and this one stupid little chromosome screwed it up. I'll never have that chance again, which is also incredibly depressing

So yeah

Im just feeling like I'll always be fake and I'm not really sure how to deal with those emotions, and I usually operate better when someone else tells me how to do stuff lol

Thanks, probably?

- Marie xo

[Quercus]

Hi Marie and welcome to the forum family.

I suppose I'll throw it out there that I've absolutely zero idea of how it feels to be a Trans person. But that's not going to stop me from welcoming you here and encouraging you to keep talking if it helps you.

It felt a bit confusing to me to read that you feel 'fake' as a woman. Perhaps that's because although I was born female and identify as a woman I often feel like that too...

I'm not very good at feeling feminine I suppose and have never felt entirely comfortable in my body. But that doesn't make me less of a woman. It just makes me... Me?

When you wrote about never being biologically female is there something specifically that you feel you have missed out on because of the body you have?

My mind focused on the experience of having children reading your post. It reminded me of something my husband said... he felt excluded and lost because as a male he didn't know what I felt.

Feel free to tell me I'm off track by the way (often am!). I'm just trying to understand what is hurting you the most so we can try support you better.

Hopefully other transgender people come join in to help you with their experiences and support. Until then I'm listening and so are others here.

Nat

[LittleMissAlice]

Hey Quercus, thanks for replying!

In response to your question, I just meant it's a bit hard that, even though I identify as female, just because I was born male I'll have to go through this massive process and face so much controversy and all that, and even then I'll probably still feel like I'm just gunning for something that's impossible for me to have. I'll never just be a normal girl

... And you're not off track at all, thank you so much for replying, I just really need to talk to someone right now and this is already helping 😊

Thanks again,

Marie xo

[Aaronsis]

Hello LittleMissAlice

Welcome to the forum, it is so great to reach out and get some support, I too have no idea what so ever what you are going through however, I have just finished reading "The Trauma Cleaner", without going too much into it Sandra Pankhurst was born a man and in her early 20's went through gender reassignment, the book is so very tragic as it covers her life living with abuse and also her job now as she runs a very successful cleaning company that deals with hoarding, murders, suicide and other clean ups that most people can't manage. Why your post jumped out at me is that she talks about her life as a woman, she expresses some of the very things that you are talking about here. You are most certainly not alone in the journey to really connect with who you were born as V's who you actually are V's how you live in that space and feel comfortable being..YOU..being Marie and loving every part of who you are. I cannot agree with Nat, I too am a woman but what does that even mean really, some days we feel gorgeous and pretty, some days we feel like a train wreck, sometimes we love who we are and sometimes we dont..I think that is just being..human!

To me..the definition of fake is when you talk about people behind their back, when you pretend to care and actually don't, when you offer support and don't mean it.....nothing and I mean nothing of who you are as a person seems fake to me Marie.

Huge hugs and much love to you.

Sarah xxx

[LittleMissAlice]

Thanks, Sarah

On the topic of not being alone, I've only been here since literally yesterday, and the fact that I already feel so much better is really telling of everyone here. It feels so good to be part of a community that's centred solely on helping people (especially when those people are me)

So yeah, thanks for saying that. I think another problem I probably have with everything is that I come from a very conservative family (I checked Ancestry, I am the only person in my family tree since the 1700s to even slightly waver in terms of gender identity, which is a bit scary), and I was raised to see only men and women, black and white, that's it. But now that I'm questioning all that, sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't see a girl, I see a boy in a dress. So I think some of those predujices that my family has adopted for so long has leaked into me, and even though I know I'm trans sometimes I just can't see past the fact that it looks wrong. "Boys don't wear skirts", to quote my mother.

Sometimes (I talk to myself a lot, it's a bit wierd I know) when I'm thinking out loud about myself, I'll use the wrong pronouns, or my deadname, and it makes me feel terrible that I'm telling everybody else to use them, when I can't even wrap my head around it myself

(Also I'll see if I can find that book somewhere, I'm a massive book nerd)

Thanks again!

Marie xo

[Aaronsis]

Great to chat to you some more Marie,

I re read my post and what I meant was that I cannot agree MORE with Nat..lol...just as you were born a man and you did not mentally or emotionally fit that "category", we as women who are born women sometimes feel the same, it is just human nature too to want what we don't have and to compare to others, dangerous stuff as we need to be happy and love who we are. That is why it is so wonderful you are here, to get some support and you are so very very right, what an amazing community this is.

Hopefully not only will you get some support but some of your life learnings you can share with others coming up in this space and reach out to them as they need support too, I can see you have already given some amazing support to another here on the forum, that is what being a good human is Marie, and you are most certainly that.

I hear what you are saying in that family does play a large role in the shaping of who we are, but at the end of the day, you have to live with you and as long as you are being true to you, that is what matters. "Boys don't wear skirts".....hmmm they do, and you will be surprised at how many do and do it in the privacy of their own home. How many of these men perhaps who come on these forums to read and get support from stories like yours as they don't have the strength to post. How powerful that is for you. To help others and you don't even know it.

I dont think that because you sometimes you call yourself your "deadname", I am assuming here that is the name you were given at birth, you should feel bad about that, I think sometimes if you can sit with the person you were born with, acknowledge it, maybe even make friends with that boy who does still live inside you, but is not who you are now. You can perhaps give yourself some peace knowing you accept and love that boy but you are now Marie, a healthy, happy and wonderful woman.

Sarah xxx

[LittleMissAlice]

Thank you for that, Sarah. I'm very easily reassured, so again, yaaaaaaay for finally joining a community!

After this conversation, I think I'm going to try to embrace this more. I've been holding back a lot, since my parents don't yet know so it's all very hush-hush, but I think I can't really step forward from here without doing more "stuff", if that makes sense. I think I'll go and buy an outfit with some friends, and spend a day out in it, or something. I don't know. I might consider telling them, maybe not. It might make this all seem more real to me or something. In any case, thanks so much, I really appreciate it! 😊

Marie xo

[Aaronsis]

Wow Marie

That is so fantastic to hear. You have made my morning.

You know what else I have learnt, that is the youth of today have so many varied ideas and have so many different experiences that when even I was young. I am 44 and when the voting slip for Gay Marriage came to my house my son, who was 14 at the time, just ticked the YES box, saying he agreed with it. I said to him that he really should have asked me first as it is my vote. He replied with "well of course you would tick yes, this is the stupidest thing ever, who cares who people marry, isn't it about love?"...I could not have been prouder but at the same time I know that people of his generation accept this as just everyday life. However people in older generations really struggle with the notion that marriage is between a man and a woman....anyway...the point I am trying to make is that I am sure that your friends will be supportive of you, sure they might be surprised at first, hey..maybe not..maybe they know more than you think..either way, your true friends will be by your side, in your gorgeous dress, looking amazing!

I think the conversation with your parents will be emotional for you all, especially if they are very conservative, but hey, that is no reason for you not to be you and for you not to tell them. I am by no means suggesting I know what to do here, however my gut tells me that you need to be you, and by telling them it allows you to be freely who you are. I am not sure how it will be received but we can deal with that when it happens. They may even surprise you in their response...please try not to overthink it and role play it in your head. You will know when the time is right and all you can do is be open and honest, the rest is on them, good or bad.

Just know that we are here for you to talk and to support you.

Sarah xxxx

[Quercus]

Hi Marie and Sarah,

So lovely to see you posting in a happier mind Marie. That's why I stay here... There is something so bloody important about having a space we can talk things through.

Sarah that book sounds like something I need to read. I'm glad you mentioned it.

Ok... Confession to make seeing as Sarah has raised the topic and it is important to me to be honest. It relates to family mindsets too.

I voted no. Even saying that now makes me feel very uncomfortable.

When the slips came I was torn in two. My husband took as a given I would agree with and support him because of our faith.

My heart feels like Sarah's son... Love is love... and yet (perhaps selfishly) I knew the man I love so deeply was the only reason I was alive and the only person who noticed and cared at my worst. It was my decision and my issue to try own and work through. Perhaps trying to understand is my way of making peace within myself.

Marie when you said you look in the mirror and see a boy it felt so similar in a way to what I see in the mirror. Except where you see a boy I see someone worthless and inferior and ugly. Another member wrote once that he looked in the mirror and spoke positively and kindly to himself for ages until one day he finally saw himself differently. I always loved that story.

The idea of pampering yourself is a great one. I love feeling pretty and feminine even if it's only for a moment. Even more I love the idea of asking your friends to help you to celebrate yourself.

I'm learning being yourself can mean not being the person others want or expect you to be. For me letting go of being ashamed of and hiding who I am has been part of surviving depression. No matter what we do someone will always judge or condemn and sometimes that will be people you love. What matters is how YOU feel and that is something within your power to work on.

❤ Nat

[LittleMissAlice]

Nat, don't dare feel uncomfortable, beliefs are important. It sucks when faiths clash, but I don't care if you voted no or yes or anything. I know for a fact that every single person in my extended family voted no, and that doesn't change anything about how I feel about them.

And YES being pampered is such a good feeling! I'm very opposed to the whole "Princess in a Castle" ideal, but having people dote on me is my guilty pleasure 😅

And Sarah, I think after this conversation, I'm going to think about telling my parents as well. It probably won't end well, but like you said, who knows? Now I just need to be less of a terrified mess to actually do that

Marie xo