Gay and hating it
I came out about eight years ago while i was married to a woman, we share three kids together so its been a very long eight years and sometimes i dont know how i got threw it.
I was living in Country Victoria and wanted to move to Melbourne in hopes of making a new life for myself, make heaps of new friends and even my first boyfriend.
Three years on since moving to Melbourne, i have made no friends and finding a boyfriend is impossible, everyone is either in an open relationship or just want to use you for that few minutes.
I am very shy and am very anxious when meeting guys, the last half a dozen guys ive been going to catch up with i have cancelled last minute as i just think i am wastingmy time, or i just think they are way out of my league so i dont bother. Ive always been a bigger guy and i hate the way i look, i will lose heaps of weight then it just creeps back on again. Most gay men expect you to have a gym membership, hard body or be a hung power top. I really hate being gay and really wish i hadn't of left my family. Im nearing 40 now and i can just see myself being alone forever. I constantly get messages online from random guys saying im fat, bald, old, i really hate myself sometimes.
Then there is the thought of being with a guy who has had dozens and even hundreds of sexual partners which really makes my feel yuck and i get turned off by, i dont know if i am really jealous or i just find it wrong, but i definatly couldn't date a guy who has been with everyone. Is it just me or can others relate?
Im straight so have limited advice.
There is so many aspects to meeting the right partner. For that reason online is the way to go.
You get to set your boundaries, likes dislikes, hobbies, temperament and what you seek...eg "after a guy that looks beyond the physical into my deep heart"
My daughter met her husband on line.
Just never give up.
I see Tony has suggested you go online to find friends and a partner, when it sounds like you've already given that a go with no success. I'm guessing you're trying to use the various dating apps that are out there? Some of the worst examples of shallow humanity can be found on there, and some of the things people put in their profiles are truly gross. I've had some positive experiences through apps but overall I don't think they're designed for what you're looking for. Those things you said about what most gay men expect aren't true outside of that online world - it's not true of me!
Have you tried finding social groups? You mention that you're a bigger guy, have you heard of the bear community? There's a lot less body fascism there and it's a friendlier, more accepting crowd. The other thing too is that in this more accepting day and age, gay people are everywhere. If you think more about your interests and what you like doing, you will find groups of friends to suit. Almost all the footy clubs have gay supporters groups now that are really diverse and are a great way to meet new people and make friends.
I know it's tough mate, but try not to be too hard on yourself. How are things with your ex-wife and kids? Are you still keeping in touch with them?
Hey Gay Westie
you've got some great suggestions posted here. I agree with Larli, if someone is interested in getting to know you without sex then they'll hang around, if they don't then good that they are gone.
Like you, I struggle with the idea of being with someone that has been with a whole heap of others. I've only been out for about 9 months now and left the family home (wife and 2 kids) 3 months ago - having never explored this side of me. I'm only just getting used to living on my own, I'm not putting pressure on myself to meet someone or even have any type of intimate encounter (of course I want to, but not worried if/when it happens).
I've looked at some Apps, but am just not comfortable with them. Some on them say that they are happy with just friendship, but I guess I'm pretty suspicious and think that there is other motives. I like the "traditional old way" and meet someone - get to know them - etc etc.
I too am a larger guy, as well as pretty shy when meeting new people, so get where you come from here - it is really hard to go up to someone and just introduce yourself and strike up a conversation. On the advice of others here on the forums, I googled Team Melbourne - a site that puts you in touch with Melbourne LGBT sporting clubs. I joined a running/walking group as it was something that I could easily do, and get fit / drop kg's at the same time. I even marched with them at the Pride march yesterday - something I couldn't ever see myself doing - but I did!
Because I'm so shy, I haven't actually met up with any of them outside of the group get togethers - I don't have the confidence to invite or ask anyone to catch up - even just as a friend, but I've come to realise that you sometimes just need to be patient. I've been going for about 6 months and really enjoy the walk, seeing the same people each week and having a chat & coffee afterwards. I'm not really interested in anything other than making friends at the moment, and expanding my social network. It takes time.
Don't hate yourself, unfortunately this can be the message that you portray to others. As Larli said, you haven't chosen who you are.
I Gay westie,
I'm not sure if you're still on here or not but i've just stumbled across your post now.
I am also a gay male and came out about 7 years ago, it's never easy on any of us but also quite liberating to finally allow ourselves to stop hiding who we are. Sadly the journey still has it's hurdles and meeting a decent guy is always proven difficult. So many of us pride ourselves on non-materialist attributes and flaunt our fake selves in hope to find the most attractive guy. It's extremely hard to find someone authentic and content. I've now been single for 5 years and the dating scene scares me but i am getting myself back in there. So you are definitely not alone. I think majority of gay males experience the same dilemma's and problems that your dealing with.
May I suggest a really good book to read? It's called 'The Velvet Rage' written by Alan Downs and is about 'overcoming the pain of growing up gay in a straight man's world. It is an extremely good book and very eye opening. It will help you relate and identify to a lot of what you're experiencing and hopefully provide some guidance and reassurance for you.
Hope you're doing okay!
Im not sure what you’re basing your view on but I think if you’re basing your perspective of gay men on the ones who use apps such as Grindr then it’s enough to depress even the most positive person. This is not the whole picture and not a good way to meet anyone unless all you want is sex.
The second point I’d like to make is that there is nothing wrong with people who have had many partners sexually. The problem is more in the way you think about it as “yuck”. It’s kind of judgmental and unnecessary. Personally I prefer someone who is experienced who knows exactly what they like. Its all about personal choice and perspective. In reality are you really going to ask people “how many have you had?” before deciding to date them? Because if anyone ever asked me that question I would lose interest immediately.
I came out 32 years ago. Apart from a couple of 1-2 year relationships and a 15 year one the rest of the time I was single and yes there were times I shamelessly sleeping around. Even if you only sleep with one person every couple of months that’s 6 a year times 20 years for example would be 120 people. Are you going to throw away a potentially beautiful loving relationship because you feel “yuck” about the fact that they are human and like having sex? It’s actually a great thing to feel positive about sex and be able to freely enjoy it without the shame and judgement some in society and particularly religion places on it.
I can understand your