do i even need to ‘officially’ come out?

[minaisabelle]

i’m a lesbian.

i’ve known so for as long as i can remember, and i’ve been lucky enough to not struggle with coming to the terms that i like girls.

i’m 15, and when i was 14 my coming out came so quickly it was overwhelming. i don’t know if you could call it so much a coming out- my mum told me that she knew, and told my dad and some family members that i was gay so i never had to come out to them. i kinda felt forced out of the closet and i was absolutely not ready to come out to my dad, and he’s been more distant since. it’s kind of an unspoken disappointment. my friends told me they already knew when i managed to send a weak, cowardly coming out message to them. apparently the fact that i was 15 and not raving about boys, and fell asleep at sleepovers whenever they talked about guys was a good enough sign that i may have liked girls. i thought it would get easier from here- and trust me, it has- don’t get me wrong, but it also just feels... strange?

i wasn’t relieved immediately after coming out. i felt vulnerable, scared and ashamed even when it went well. it wasn’t a great weight off my shoulders, it was more of a concern. is this really what my life is going to be? telling people that i like girls, feeling scared every time and ashamed no matter if the outcome is good or bad? is it always going to be like this?

i hate even having to come out. i wish i could just one day have a girlfriend, it it be as normal as if i were to have a boyfriend. but apparently people feel the need to know about your life, and get upset if you don’t tell them.

‘you could have trusted to tell me! why didn’t you tell me? don’t you feel close enough to tell me?’ is something i have received a few times. it’s not that i don’t trust you- it’s that i get so anxious telling people, but in reality it should just be something normal that i don’t need to tell you!

i’ve come across the homophobic friends who tell me i’m going to hell- my school has a few of them, thats why i’m so scared to come out officially . i’m a quiet, femme teen girl who doesn’t have the ‘stereotypical’ lesbian look, whatever that is. There are no gay girls in my grade. i would become gossip in my grade, like the last open lesbian girl in the grade above me.

so i guess i was wondering- do i even need to come out officially? i feel obligated to because friends and family expect me to, but it just makes me so nervous. if everyone important to me already knows, isn’t that enough?

sorry for the long read xx

[demonblaster]

Hi minaisabelle ☺ welcome to the forums you certainly won't be judged or criticised here.

No problem at all about in your words a long read. Actually you expressed yourself very well I hope you feel some relief talking openly here and thanks for contributing to conversation and issues people have, there'll no doubt be many that can relate.

Imo hun do what you feel comfortable with. I think the people that need for lack of a better word to know do now, which is unfortunate because you werent ready although the more we think about something the harder it can be. So maybe it wasn't such bad timing.

How do you feel about sometime having a chat with your Dad, a shame he's been a little distant unless it'll take him a bit longer to get used to this it could be very new to him as in he may not know many gay people.

Thing is lovey and never forget this, you're not doing anything wrong. People that condemn you are, they're small minded and homophobic which is their problem not yours.

Are you ok? As in do you feel depressed. I hope not.

You know lovey theres a strong chance there are several gay people in your grade, some may not be aware and many fear the closed minded opinions and being berated which is understandable.

It's taken a very long time for this to be openly spoken about and the Australian vote shows more people by far are ok with this as opposed to not. Because it's open now in time I believe the stigma will reduce because everything should be discussed imo if it causes grief to people which in this case is happening.

Thanks again for your great input hun
Wishing you all the best

Hope to see you again ☺ talk as often as you need.

[Only_I_know]

Hey minaisabelle! Welcome.

I'll just say that you should do whatever you want! It is not anyone else's business. No one can tell you what to do in this! You don't have to tell anyone. When you get a girlfriend and you are out and about you would just introduce her as your partner or girlfriend! Let people think what they want!

I'm a 48 yo guy. I came out just last year, I was married for 20 years and have a 17yo son and a 11 yo daughter.

I wasn't comfortable coming out. I'm so happy for you that you are comfortable with who you are. I am only now getting to know who I truly am!

I only came out due to falling into a depression, but thankfully through love and support from everyone including my wife and kids, I am now in a great healthy mindset.

As far as your dad, take it from me, he loves you far more than you would ever think. You are and will always be his baby girl. He would be proud of you no matter what. He may just be coming to terms with the news, it can take some people a little longer, and not because he is ashamed of you or anything like that. He could just be concerned about your future. Unfortunately, as you have already experienced, there is still some segments of bigotry in society.

Maybe ask your dad to take you out for a hot chocolate. And just tell him how you are feeling, tell him that you feel that he is being a little distant. He may not realise it.

Have you even considered that he hasn't changed, that he may not actually be being distant? Have you considered that it might just be your own thought process? Were you expecting some sort of response from him that you didn't get and perhaps reading something that isn't there? I'm not saying that you are, but I'm just asking you to think about it, you may save yourself some grief. That's another reason to ask your dad.

I can tell you that that was exactly what I did. I read things into things that just were not there. I thought that no one would like/love or care for me if I was gay. I made up scenarios in my head where things went bad when I told someone. When it didn't happen, and all they said was "okay! and congratulations on finally being yourself" - I felt a little hollow as I'd built it up in my head and it didn't happen!

Anyway, take care. Keep chatting - there are a lot of people here that are happy to help.

cheers

Daz

[Birdy77]

Dear minaisabelle,

It is so great to have you here.

The gorgeous Daz and wonderful Demonblaster have given you beautifully supportive words of wisdom, and I would like to join them in saying that you need to do whatever feels right for You ... you don't "need" to do anything that doesn't feel right for you.

I totally understand what you are saying about how annoying it is that it's even a "thing", that you have to come out ... why can't one day you just have a girlfriend and it's just as normal as if you had a boyfriend. One day I guess this will be the case, but unfortunately not yet.

Like, you haven't required each of your friends to tell you that they are straight. Or, if you meet new people, you don't need them to let you know that they are into girls/boys the minute you meet them right?

I'm sorry your coming-out was taken away from you anyway, and I hope things get better with your dad.

Things will get easier as time goes by. Those homophobes will always be out there unfortunately, but they are a minority, thank goodness.

Continue to be yourself, enjoy your quiet femme style ... I've always been like that too. It can be annoying because even when I've met other lesbians in mixed groups I will occasionally get the (ignorant) comment from a lesbian saying "oh I never thought you would be gay, you are so feminine!". I mean, really??? Open your eyes lady!!

Minaisabelle, you are not obliged to come out officially, unofficially, on or off the record or any other thing. You do what feels right, tell someone if it is what you feel like talking about, and enjoy being a 15 year old young woman.

You are welcome here anytime.

Stay strong sister.

🌻birdy