Confusion about sexuality for 2 years
Hello, I've been questioning my sexuality a lot over the years but especially the last two. I don't know whether I'm bi, omni, lesbian, asexual, or just really anything.
I remember all my crushes have been boys when I was younger, but had always said to others that if my crush/boy tried to ask me out, kiss me, hug, etc, I would always reject them because I never wanted to do that. This made me question recently if I even like them, or just like the idea of them. This is embarrassing but 2D men, ✨YES✨. Real men, idk probs not.
Last year when I became a bit more familiar with my sexuality, I realised I probably do like girls. (I'm not sure if I'm fully accepting that myself) but I recently had a crush on a girl, I wanted to kiss her and be with her with no hesitation. But the idea of sex is very eh, like I'm not interested in it and I think I would feel very uncomfortable ever doing it. I think I could have sex if my partner was interested in it.
The thing with sex is I always think about it, sometimes I have desire for it. But I don't think I would ever really actually wanna do it, it's seems really odd to me and not exciting. It's probably because I learnt what sex was very young and learnt BDSM and etc also at a very young age. So I'm just used it and I don't see the hype.
I thought I was lesbian after reading 'Am I Lesbian?' online docs, but then felt like maybe I could be missing out on guys, or maybe I don't like guys because I've never really had good experiences with them besides a couple who were my friends. Then I question if I even like girls because I rarely have crushes. When I was younger, I thought I liked a guy but realised I just found him really funny and fun to hang around.
I became a closeted lesbian, then omni, now asexual?? It's so confusing and I know it's not something to rush but I don't think I'll ever find out since I don't like having crushes or no one ever really likes me so it makes it even harder to find out. I don't like feeling confused so I'm pretty desperate to figure it out.
Any advice or opinions?
Hi DD , firstly Welocome to the forums . You are in a safe place . It is courageous of you to share and the first post seems to be the hardest . I feel your anxiety
I am trans woman and not much help for you but hang in here and soon someone will be along to chat on your post who knows far more than I . Welcome again x
Thanks for sharing your experience with us. It sounds like you have given this a lot of thought although finding it difficult to come to a conclusion, that would be confusing and maybe even a bit frustrating? It sounds like maybe you haven't met the right person for you yet. I had a friend who never had their first crush until they were 26 years old and felt bad every time someone liked them and they weren't able to return the feelings. You're not alone in feeling this way. My only suggestion would be to try meditating on your feelings, find a quiet, safe space thats comfortable and start tuning into your breath. Start to feel into your heart space and once you feel connected to your breath and heart start to ask yourself some of these questions in your mind, ask your heart these questions as if it were another person for example "hey heart, am I asexual?" if you feel the first thing that comes into your mind is "no" then you could enquire further e.g. "dear heart, if i'm not asexual than am I capable of having feelings for men? ... women? ... both?" etc this may sound strange although it sometimes gives us a whole new perspective when we listen to our heart / intuition rather than trying to just rationalise things out in our heads. You could even try a guided meditation if you haven't done much of this before and I believe there are specific meditations you can listen to online which help you to develop an awareness of what your heart is feeling and can help us to learn more about ourselves and our sexuality. Hope this is helpful to you and thanks again for your thoughtful post!