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coming out problem?

Community Member

hi uh I'm having trouble coming out to my mum..

my parents are divorced and I've come out to both my parents as trans ftm. my dad is so supportive I am so grateful for that. he's using my name, pronouns, he got me in to see a gender therapist and he's even gotten me to move schools for a fresh start 🙂 however my mum has been denying and ignoring it ever since I came out to her in December..my gender therapist has talked to her about using my name and pronouns but she doesn't really care..she keeps on messing up (which is obviously fine) but she makes me feel guilty for her messing up. I've given up on correcting her and now she just acts like i never even came out. Oh and one time she said that I wasn't transgender because I didn't show any signs as a kid and I was always feminine...which is not true?? I've never been very feminine, I've always been more on the masculine side..I'm also really into sport but I'm currently playing on a girls basketball team..I really want to play boys basketball and soccer which my dad encourages but since I'm at my mum's place most of the time and she pays for it, I don't know how to approach this...

I'm also making schools with my new name and pronouns which I haven't told her yet. i feel like im lying to her or something. I really want to move to my dad's but mum loves to play victim so I don't know how that would go either..

1 Reply 1

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

First of all heaps of praise for you for your post and bravery. Wow, you made my day posting here on this topic.

I'm so happy your father had embraced your sexuality transformation and in particular using your name and words that endorse your new identity. You are very lucky.

My daughter came to live with me at 12yo and her mother used the victim approach with that. I explained to her that it is HER life and her choices. When her mother was her age at 12yo she made her own choices also. You would ideally be better off in a home that gives you full support during this period of the next several years otherwise any negative responses will drag you down.

Leaving home to live with dad can be expressed positively towards your mum by often telling her you love her and that you are happy. If you make the move you will have less time with your mum and that might mean she will appreciate you more even as your new identity.

In defence of your mum I can sympathise with her with not remembering your new name. My Daughter likes to be called (not her real name) say Sam instead of Samantha but I cant ever get used to it. My sister Sandi from Sandra and so on but once you get a few decades along lifes track it is hard to change. So please by all means remind your mum of your new name but please try not to hurt her for not remembering ok. She still loves you.

I hope that helps you take one more step forward. Remember- this is your life, not anyone elses. You make your decisions that will improve your life for the ultimate goal- happiness for being yourself...