Coming out as MtF to wife

[ADR]

Hi,

I cam out to my wife as a MtF transsexual about a year a go now and every time we speak about (3 times now) if just ends up in a fight and swept under the rug like nothing happened until I have another severe bout of depression where i just want to end it all. She say that she needs time to get her head around this like always and all she dose it put it to the back of her mind and pretends like noting is happening (her words from about 30mins ago)and i ask her is there anything I can do to help and all i get told is to just leave her alone . She doesn't have any friends to talk about it with and she doesn't want to see my counsellor (I haven't seen in a while as of my last session with her she wanted to see my wife, the wife said she would make an appointment but never did) or anyone about this and i am the only person who she apparently talk her problems through with. I just cant deal with her yelling at me about this when she is "having a conversation" with me about it.

I honestly don't know what to do, i am tired of living in constant depression and I hate seeing my wife upset. Am I just going to be stuck on this shitty roller coaster for the rest of my life making no changes and just barely keeping my wife happy with trust issues.

What do I do?

[Croix]

Dear ADR~
This is a difficult situation for both of you – I guess I don’t have to tell you that. It must have been a very hard thing to come out to your wife, taking a great deal of courage. Sadly that did not mean your news would be accepted, in fact from what you say it has not been.

Most important at the moment is your welfare, feeling depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts means that you really need to take action straight away. You said you’d not seen your councilor for a while and had stopped after an impasse over your wife attending. Your situation needs attention irrespective of this.

Please consider seeing your doctor and your councilor and continuing on with their help despite your wife’s absence. This situation is not worth your life. You are a person with courage and can see things through.

One of the things your councilor may be able to help you with is to decide exactly what you want, out of your marriage and out of the whole of your life. Once you decide that things might become clearer. At least you will then have a set of concrete proposals to discuss with your wife.

Another thing your councilor may be able to do is outline the thoughts and fears your wife may be having. The marriage she knew has altered drastically to something she probably had no idea might happen and she has no guide to help steer her through. I guess like many people she is hoping if she ignores something it will go away.

It does not sound as if you are prepared for that to happen. All I can say is that if two people care for each other most things can be worked out.

You know you are welcome here anytime.

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi ADR and welcome to the forums,

I have very limited knowledge or experience with what it means to be a MtF transsexual. And that is I suppose why I am replying.

Do you think perhaps your wife is like me? No idea of what that really means or how it will change her life and your marriage.

If this was my husband I suspect part of me would be angry too. Possibly because of my lack of knowledge and understanding.

Is it possible to leave some information for her to read about what to expect?

Also (I'm so sorry to be so ignorant) but does that mean you still want to be married? If you changed gender would you still want your wife? I put these stuoid questions out there because I keep wondering maybe part of your wife's reluctance is confusion or feeling rejected?

Also... One thing I really wonder is whether you've been able to talk to your wife about what she wants? Perhaps part of her is grieving the loss of the man she chose to marry? You will always be the same person but what about attraction? How can she know whether she will still be attracted to you (or if you want her?).

I think this decision is a courageous one. And you have made the right choice by being honest.

A year is not really a long time if you're afraid of the possible end of your marriage and the loss of the person you love and trust.

I agree completely with Croix about seeking help for yourself regardless of whether your wife is supportive or not.

But I also wonder if her anger comes from fear. Fear of your rejection. Fear of the unknown.

I do think if she can't talk without yelling you could try writing her letters. Start with the really important stuff to her...

Do you still want to be her spouse?

Do you still love her?

What does it mean for you as a couple?

Is your marriage over?

So many confusing questions. And scary ones for a wife to ask her husband. Maybe it will be easier for her to read your letters in private.

Just me thinking aloud. I hope this doesn't upset you. I'm very aware my knowledge in this area doesn't exist.

Above all please take care of yourself. And know you are always welcome here to talk if you need support.

Nat