Can't face my sexuality

[Kable]

Hi, I've come here because I didn't know where else to turn. I have a lot of mental health issues and have had a rough upbringing.

Being bisexual I feel has only made my situation so much worse. Anyways I feel as though I'm not that great at opening up. I started to notice my sexuality at 14 when I would sexually experiment and find myself thinking about both women and guys. Although I was obsessive over how wrong it felt to me. I've never been able to truly accept it for what it is. And I hate myself everyday for it. Anyways, before my girlfriend I experimented a few times with guys sexually on one time occasions. And to me it made me feel worse, as though I'm horrible for doing so. And it's been troubling me for such a long time that sometimes I crack under the pressure of having to shoulder that burden of my sexuality. I would love to move past it but it feels impossible.

Thank you.

[Jackson85]

Hi Kable,

Thanks for posting, I'm sorry to hear you're suffering with your sexuality, it's such a tricky topic for so many.

There are so many pressures and expectations on how we behave and who we should be, no more than about our sexuality. The nosey, fearful few just hate the fact that they can't control who we love or are intimate with, and they can't handle not having control. To me sexuality is a wonderful thing, where we share fundamental intimacy with others, in the ultimate human connection. I'm sorry that you feel your sexuality is a burden, and that you can't freely explore that part of your life. For some reason, who we go to bed with just gets a bee in people's bonnet. They don't care if we eat junk food, or drink too much, or belittle each other or our children, but for us to go to bed with another man? My goodness no, that would be unacceptable! I just don't get it, and to be honest, I don't think they do either. It's discrimination, and it's hatred, fueled by fear, and those pressures are inconsistent with the tolerant, accepting society we're trying to build.

It may not mean much coming from just me on a forum, but I totally accept who you are, and there are millions of others (who aren't paralysed by fear) who support diverse sexuality constructions too. We are on your side, and I don't want this to come out wrong, but honestly more of society is just starting to care less. When I hear someone is gay, or bisexual, or anything else, I think, "you didn't tell me their favourite food, why are you telling me their sexuality?" It's just slowly being destigmatised, because those who aren't afraid (most of the young people) are totally happy with how people want to explore that part of their lives.

It's a long journey this one, and if we can lighten any of the burden we carry, the whole thing gets a little bit easier and a lot more fun. Have you thought about speaking to a psychologist? Sometimes I find it helpful just to share everything, and see what feelings I really have underneath.

Feel free to keep the chat going,

Jackson85

[Kable]

Yeah It makes a lot of sense, and I appreciate your input. I also get where you're coming from because It feels like there is so much judgment in the world concerning people's sexuality, and we should be able to feel free of these pressures. I may try and speak to someone about it at my next appointment because I've been bottling it up for so long that as I mentioned, I crack.

[Only_I_know]

Hi Kable! and welcome. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling, but as Jackson85 says, there are a heap of people that support diversity, especially here on the forums.

I came out last year at 47, I hated myself, felt guilty - the whole gambit. I was married for 20years and had 2 kids. I guess it's not quite the same, simply because I'm only attracted to men - though I was in a hetro marriage and had only ever had the one woman.

However, we share some life experience of shame/guilt/self loathing. I got to the point of wanting mine to end, but through the support of so many people - starting right here on the BB forums - have moved well past that now.

I was recommended an organisation called QLife - a peer based phone counselling service. Google them. They are an LGBT service. They were able to recommend a gay Psychologist who was the best thing for me. You could try talking to any psych, but I personally believe that a gay or at least at LGBT friendly is in a much better space to help.

The important thing to note, is that there is nothing wrong with how you feel. You like who you like, it is only what society had taught us what is supposedly right and wrong, anything that didn't fit in was an abomination! Well I call bulldust on that! We are who we are, and we should rejoice in our differences!

I'm fortunate, I've moved past caring what others think after 48 years! I no longer hate myself, I'm no longer in any pain. I know longer care what others think about me (though in truth - no one I know cares that I've come out!!! they only care that I'm healthy, and happy!!!!).

As Jackson85 has said, talking to someone who isn't going to be judgemental can help (I know from experience!). A psych or counsellor will challenge your thoughts in a good way.

Good luck, it will get better as you work through it - I can promise you that! It has for me!

cheers

Daz