Hi BB brothers and sisters. I have a problem with my sexuality. You can call me "Leira" but I dont mind if you call me friend. This is just my second post in BB site. The first one, I introduced myself and the list of my problems. I guess I can say that we opened this BB site to help us with our problems especially coping with DEPRESSION and/or Anxiety. I am 47 years old and married and we have 1 boy who is 15 yr s/old. Reading other post which is particularly related to sexuality caught my interest and attention to share my own story.
My DEPRESSION and ANXIETY problem was diagnosed in 2005. Like others with same problems I refused to believe the doctor when he told me that this Depression is the reasons why I regularly experience Sadness,feeling tired even when doing nothing, I don't enjoy doing things or activities I loved doing before, becoming anti social. Besides having emotional symptoms, my depression was the reason for having hives or severe allergic reaction, I was having trouble sleeping or relaxing.
In 2005, I was 6 years married to my wife and we we're blessed with a beautiful boy. We have a very difficult relationship. That year I been telling myself that she (my wife) wasn't the woman I married to. She was totally the opposite of my ideal woman.Opposite to what my mother being my fathers partners for life. She was the reasons I am so frustrated and so down I cant even stand having to spend time with her and my son. But looking back, its not my wife's fault. I created this monster that in that time and even today is always the reason for my downfall.
The idea that marrying my wife will save me from the judgement or doubts from my family,friends and the people around me, that I am not gay was wrong and it should not happen. I know myself very well that commitment to a relationship is my problem. I know that what I desire is a relationship more on a "one night stand". I know very well that seeing a "pretty boy" will get my attention even with my wife is around.
Its so complicated up to this point. I refuse to admit that my wife is right to accuse me of loving a guy or was in relationship with a guy even when she see herself a text message in my cellfone. I just refuse to surrender to my wife because I thought I can use her to change me. I blame her for the failure of my grand plan in life I know and I read some stories of a father that until his wife's death he remain very descreet and enjoys being bi sexual. Why cant I have the same life?
