“You Treat The Relationship as a Chore.”

[al_stuck]

We have been in the a relationship for nearly four years.

Recently we got into a fight - with him ending the conversation with “you treat this relationship as a chore.” Now, I work full time, I own my own house (he doesn’t live with me) - I am busy trying to build my life to be the best it can be. It’s his choice not to live with me so we only see each other a few times a week, which is how he wants it to be. We talk during the week only if I initiate the conversations, he tries his hardest not to come to my house and suggests that I go to his however due to me owning the house I have to maintain and clean it so I push back on that.

We didn’t speak for a week - I suggested that we try and talk about why he said what he said however he didn’t think there was anything else to say. I told him that what he said hurt me however he didn’t even acknowledge this.

We have a lot of differences however I’m scared that if I lose him - that I will completing isolate myself as I don’t really have many other friends (not close that I speak to everyday). I’m struggling with what to do - I don’t want to continue to try and fix something if the only reason I am staying is so I’m not isolated.

I just need maybe some advice on what to do from an outside prospective.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear al_stuck,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out,

I want to start by saying that I really don't think it would be right for someone else to tell you what you should do about your relationship. Only you can decide what to do, or not to do.

What I can tell you, from reading your post, is that it seems like it could be a bit of an unbalanced relationship? Whereby you are making more of an effort at it than he is? I don't know, I could be wrong?

But relationship, I believe, should be reciprocal, in that there needs to be some give and take from BOTH parties. It doesn't have to be 'like for like' reciprocation, but it perhaps should or could FEEL like there is a relatively equal effort, yeah?

For example, my partner and I have been together for two and a half years now, and he rarely comes to my place. And I mean rarely. But that's because our work rosters just means it's easier for me to go to his place. But the balance? Is that he almost always pays for my fuel! We live a little over 100 kilometres away from each other too, so it's a decent drive! And never a single day has gone by without us contacting each other in one way or another. Even if it's just a basic text message. Just something to let the other know that we are thinking of them.

I can also tell you that I have been divorced for 4 years now. And one of the MAIN contributors to the meltdown of the marriage? A serious, severe lack of communication.

People stay in, and leave relationships for a variety of reasons. My suggestion is that whatever you do, do it because it's the best thing to do for both of you. Sometimes holding on can cause 'rope burn' (heartache) more than letting go can. But again, I don't know what the right thing is for you.

Maybe you could try some couples counselling? Or some relationship strengthening activities? Maybe Relationships Australia could be a good place to start: https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au

In the meantime, we're here for you and with you, to provide you with as much support as we can. Which, in my case, is very much 'laymans' experience and advice! I'm certainly no professional, that's for sure. Just a fellow human, with fellow human failings, trials and tribulations.

Anyway, hope that helps a little? Take care, I'll be thinking of you. xo