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She lives in fear of her life and the lives of her children.  Her ex husband has threatened her, on multiple occasions, with death.  Her death and the death of the children.He still stalks her. He intimidates her. His new partner, a supposedly educated woman, sends lumps of coal to her parents.
The ex-husband drives 6 hours from his home, to surveil her, parking his car directly behind hers in a shopping centre of 2000 spaces, and sitting in his car until she leaves work.  She is afraid, legitimately.
She has broken off relationships and now is distancing herself from friends.  She wants everyone to leave her alone .   She believes she's in this alone and no one can help her. She believes the only outcome is her death, at the hands of her ex.  
I am scared for her.  I am scared she is isolating herself, when she needs to be surrounding herself.   But I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to help someone who so adamantly refuses help.  I don't want her to be pressured or overwhelmed, so I respect her wishes of leaving her be.....  ....but I need her to know this is something she doesn't have to face alone.  People love her.  I love her.  I just want her to be safe and happy and to know that whatever demons lay before her, that there will be people to stand by her side and face them.   I want to protect her.  But how do I help someone that's refuses it? 
8 Replies 8

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Dear SeriouslyWorried.  Wow, your friend is in a lot of danger from what you say.  There are laws to protect her from this type of abuse.  Have you been to the police to get an AVO against this man and his partner.  He sounds like he might have maybe a substance abuse problem too.  I would go to the police, get his license number.  Your friend is obviously scared that if she reports him, he will really hurt her.  She needs protecting.  There are steps you can take for her, tell the police exactly what you've posted here, tell them how scared she is.  Once there is an AVO against him, if he or his partner (get an AVO against her as well), if either of them break it, they could go to prison for harassment.   What they're doing is illegal.    If you're still hesitant, phone the police first. 

Hi Pipsy, thanks for your reply.  The police are involved, and another AVO application is due to be heard in court at the end of the month.  The police have a history of his instability, his domestic violence and his intimidations.  Unfortunately an AVO doesn't prevent the physical threat or the emotional trauma and anxiety she is suffering.

I'm wondering how I can get through to her?  How can I convince her to talk to someone?  A friend, a professional, anyone!!???  

She is the most kind hearted and beautiful soul I've ever met, and she is adored by all who meet her, but she's cut herself off from us all....   ...I'm worried for her mental health as much as the physical threat.

Hi S.W.  You're right with what you say about AVO's not helping her emotionally or stopping the anxiety.  Have you tried ringing the BB 24/7 helpline.  There are trained counsellors who would be able to give you some suggestions about helping her through this.  I suppose she is terrified about facing him in court too.  Perhaps getting her to a G.P for some mild sedation which would at least give her some relief.  How long has this been going on?  Maybe if you contact her G.P, explain who you are and what her mental state is.  I know G.P's and their nurses are guarded about how much information they can give friends and family, but, under the circumstances, once you explain the situation, they may be able to suggest some form of relaxation therapy just till this court case is over.  I'm surprised given his history, the police haven't arrested him at some time.  If you contact a lawyer (I think you'd be entitled to legal aid) tell him/her what's been happening, there might be some process you can follow.  If there are hospital reports about the abuse, that would help too.  I suppose she was too scared to seek medical aid.  I would maybe see if she could get a home visit from a Dr, given her history, plus anxiety, she may be entitled to a home visit.  You are such a good friend, she needs you, but look after yourself too.  Try and get her to see a lawyer about what's been going on.   Also ring the BB helpline, they may be able to suggest something more for you.

All the best with this court case.  Hopefully, by the time you get there, the police might have something they can arrest him for.  Even a couple of months in jail would help her.  Knowing he can't threaten or intimidate her from jail would give her some peace of mind.  His friend also needs stopping.  I would maybe talk to a lawyer about that, too.

Hi Seriously Paul here

This is bad news and thankyou for supporting your friend on here. You are right..the AVO does have its limitations

Her ex husband is digging himself a huge hole here....at your friends expense unfortunately....makes me sick

This guy even though threatening  is expending a great deal of mental energy doing what he doing thus making himself vulnerable and weak despite his behavior. I have done some research (but not an expert) and I found that these guys (and/or girls of course) get very 'shy'...scared when photographs them....This of course is only applicable to the girls I have helped with similar situations..

In the carpark at her work....If anyone can see him parked behind your friend that would be a bonus...Even though he 'can' park there I know some police officers that would actually block him in from behind and 'knock' on his drivers window 'for a chat'

To answer your last question.....You can only 'be there' a lot...for her especially if she is not helping herself by refusing yours.

It sounds like a pain Seriously but speak to as many police as possible....even if you get in contact with force command and superglue your very justifiable concerns to them....This will work...

This guy is breaking the law..period. Sooner or later he will have an unmarked police vehicle pulling up with couple of guys with jeans ,T-shirts and their badges to have a 'chat' with him...

I think you are doing very well here.....keep at the police please even if you have to go higher up the ladder to force command....nothing to lose...everything to gain....

You are a terrific and kind person to be so caring and supportive...

Here for you Seriously


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
dear SW, her situation sounds to be so awful for her, and that she does believe by staying away from people who love her
is only going to make her feel more alone and scared.
Why does this guy feel as though he has every right to harrass her and intimidate her, you would think that he has better
things to do, rather than mentally abuse your friend.
I remember a friend I was looking after put an AVO on his son, but he too kept on harrassing his dad, but the police just
happened to miss out on taking him to gaol, because he knew exactly what to do, and always disappeared before they came.
They were desperate to catch because he was a town nuisance, and in saying that I'm not sure whether he also disappears
before the police get there, but is she able to with your help able to set up where she is going with the police so that
they can catch him in the act.
If he is caught then the police should send him to 'low risk prison', whether this is too good for him, and have you spoken to your friend about changing her name by
Your friend won't feel safe until this guy is taken away and then she can try and get her life back, although this is
going to be a long process, so at the moment is she able to go away to another person's place, in other words, just get up
and leave taking very little with her.
I know that police really hate these guys in their town, and would want to get him put away.
I really feel so sorry for all of tramua that is causing her to close up from all her friends, but surely don't they want
to help her just as you are doing.
Please please can you get back to us. Geoff. x

Thank you all for your concern and advice. 

Her ex-husband lives some 6 hrs away from her, and just takes random trips north to surprise and intimidate - he doesn't even try and see his kids whilst he's there - and the courts still grant him unsupervised access, despite the death threats.

the local command are keeping an eye on her house, which is great, but the police are stretched at best and unfortunately our judicial system doesn't always support them.

my friend is a lawyer and she has exhausted all options.

i will heed your advice and just "be there"....   I was hoping for a miracle cure, but I know it's not realistic .

thank you again for replying, it's really good to "get it out" and know my next steps .


Paul - thank you!  The camera idea is one I'll employ!!!  Every bit of evidence will help!! Cheers

Good Morning SW

Hang in there 🙂 You heart is in the right place for the care you are providing

Guys like this one are obsessed and fixated on what they are doing.....him using all that negative energy and continual self destructive behavior leaves a very weak and insecure individual. Thats where he is vulnerable.

He would be terrified of his actions 'being exposed' to his peers or family....He cant see that weakness due to his 'tunnel vision' and obsession. Whether machine or man.....there is always a weak spot.

 Take care SW

I hope you can get back to us 🙂