Worried my relationship is doomed.

[LaurKonig]

Hi, not sure how to start this, will try keep it short.
I've been with my boyfriend for over six years now. He is the most amazing guy, he is so patient, loving and kind. I'm 29 and have had depression since I was 16, my boyfriend is aware of this and has been nothing but supportive about it. He asked me to marry him a couple of months ago and I said yes, but honestly I don't know if I said yes because I love him or if I am just going through the motions. Our sex life is non-existant and has always been a struggle, as I often lose interest in sex for months and am unable to do anything remotely sexual if I am in one of my dark slumps. Then because we go so long without I start to feel that he is not attracted to me anymore and that I am disgusting and unloveable. He doesnt hit on me anymore because he's scared of setting off my anxiety around sex. So we just sit around and do nothing. Honestly I don't know if the issue is us as a couple, or if its just my depression. Would I be like this with another man? I've never been in another relationship so I honestly do not know. But I'm scared that if I break it off with him to go find out, I'll lose the best partner I could ever have. We've discussed this a few times and couples therapy has been suggested and agreed to, but then we never go through with it. We're always saying we should do things and then never doing anything. I feel so lost and alone in this relationship and I cannot tell if its him or me.

[pipsy]

Hi LaurKonig. Hi and welcome to the forums. You started this relationship with high hopes for a bright future. You've been together 6 years, had depression (untreated, I presume for 15 years). We start relationships with high hopes that everything will continue wonderfully and we will never have problems. With depression though, comes extreme doubts and fears that somehow we won't 'measure' up to what we believe is expected. To others, we appear to function, albeit normally. However, inside, we quake at decisions that to others appear easy. Perhaps one of your major concerns is, you feel unable to satisfy your partner through not knowing what he wants in a sexual relationship. Sexual anxiety is scary when we can't discuss with our partners why we feel unable to satisfy their needs. For most men (not all, but the majority) sex is a physical release first. The emotional side for the man, is simply the need to be loved sexually. Women, on the other hand are a bit more complicated, the emotional side is more important than the physical side. If you are experiencing doubts about your lack of libido you need to discuss these concerns with your Dr as well as your partner. You need to be totally honest about why you doubt the timing for marriage now. If you are taking AD's for the depression, these too can cause problems with lack of libido, this too should be discussed with your Dr. I think marriage counselling at this stage would not be beneficial.

Lynda

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi LaurKonig,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting.

I'm sorry to hear that things have been hard and can relate in more ways than one. It can be incredibly hard when you're out of balance with your partner, and I can see both sides of the story - I can see why he wouldn't want to initiate as he's scared of setting off your anxiety, and I can also see how it would be hard for you as it's been awhile and feeling unattractive. The trick is though that this is a cycle, and it takes work to get out of it.

Have you tried talking to your partner about what's going on for you and him? Does he understand that sometimes you are interested but feeling insecure and other times not interested because you're feeling low? In my experience communication is key.

Sex is definitely pretty intimate but there are other ways of feeling intimate (and loved and attractive) that aren't sex; such as holding hands or stroking each others hair/backs, kissing etc.

What about the moments when you are feeling loved and not disgusting? What sorts of things make you feel that way - that don't involve your partner? Often it can be about finding ways that can make yourself feel good so that you aren't wanting him to 'fulfil it'.

I think at the end of the day sex can come and go; one of you might be interested, and other may not (and vice versa) but what doesn't change is your love for each other. Sex can be a great way of showing love, but it's never the be all and end all - and certainly not having it doesn't mean that you aren't loved.

[Ricardo2]

Hi LK

I totally understand where you are at. I have been married for almost 20 years and I have lost all interest in sex in the past few months. this has effected our relationship and it has come to a point where my wife has asked me to leave. I have not been diagnosed with depression but I think I am in that dark place. been to my GP two days ago.

I do not know what to do as I love my wife dearly and moving out is not am option. best is to go for therapy if your BF can agree to go.

wish you well