Worried about mum

[Rainshaddow]

Hi all , just wondering if anybody can shed some light on what may be going on with my mum , she has become rather abusive , calling me a liar , an alcoholic ,( I am neither , scrupulously honest and not had a drink in 7 yrs , and gave up only because I'd pretty much stopped anyway and was getting older and just wasn't interested anymore ) wanting to know where I'm going and who I am talking to , has accused me of leaving my capital city to move home because the police are after me ( total rubbish , not even had a traffic ticket in ten odd yrs ) accused me of wanting to take over control and ownership of our family property ( not possible or happening as its owner by multiple extended family ) berates me over having quit a bad job I only had for 3 weeks ( along with her telling me it wasn't the job for me ) and is now not speaking to me , I live in the old family home I and my 2 brothers grew up in , my mother lives with her husband in his home some 12 km away , my mother has always idolised my next brother down ( S ) and seems to have blamed me for everything for as long as I can remember , she was really nice when I first got back to my home town but now is wanting money from me for repairs to the old house that she and her husband insisted was their responsibility and nothing to do with me , my mother looks at me and says I look like and sound like my younger brother , my reply was I am the eldest he must have picked mannerisms from me , not the other way round , our youngest brother was found deceased in Qld around the time of covid starting in Aus , March 2020 , suspicious circumstances with an ongoing police investigation, my mum won't share any details of the progress of the case with me for some reason , she gets angry and says I am criticising her , ( I'm not ) I asked her husband for an update and he did tell me things and then said I was being too hard on her by asking questions , she had lost a son as afterall , I couldn't help but say that I too had lost him , I looked after him for sometime when she threw him out of home , she had also thrown me out yrs earlier , any ideas ?

[james1]

Hello Rainshadow

I'm sorry to hear that your brother died last year, and even more so that your mother isn't sharing any details of the investigation. That must be really hard to deal with, and it doesn't sound like you are getting any support or recognition from your mum or her husband that you have lost your brother.

To be honest, I don't know what is happening with your mother but it sounds like she's been very emotionally abusive towards you. Have you got much of a relationship with the next brother S? Have you spoken to him about what has been happening?

I have a very disjointed relationship with my own mother but I'm lucky enough to be able to talk to my sister about it. Personally, I've gotten to the point where I've just accepted that there needs to be a fair bit of distance between me and mum, to hopefully have things resolved over time. I do not know why she is the way she is, but I've also come to just accept that I can't change her, but I can manage how it affects me.

I'm not sure if that personal story is of much use to you, but I would love to hear back from you about what supports you have in your own life. It's really important for us to have people both in our daily lives to talk to, and perhaps other supports as well (like these forums), to manage really challenging issues like the one you've described with mum.

James

[Rainshaddow]

Hi James , thanks for replying to me I appreciate your time , sorry for late reply , I also suffer with anxiety depression and C-PTSD and clean forgot I had posted here , no i can't talk to S as he is a rather closed off angry person , I think what may have been going on is that my mother has driven a wedge between he and I , we have had a falling out , he is a bit of a bully and rather controlling , he is simalar to my mum , although I think my mum has a mental health issue , I am sure my brother S is stable other than being an bully , he is the middle brother , am booked in with gp this coming Wednesday to get referral to psychologist , should have been the other day but ran out of time , my mum and S are the last of my close family and I can't get along with either of them , perhaps it is just me not putting up with their shit and i say so which tips them over the edge ,

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Rainshaddow,

Thank you for your post and sharing. Enduring so much unreasonable blaming from your own mum must be very difficult to bare and hurting you a lot too.

Can you think of anything that might have triggered your mum’s behaviour? Has she always been like this towards yourself or has something changed and might have started this unpleasant change in her?

Take care.

[Rainshaddow]

I think she has always been like this , angry , screaming threatening , I have only really noticed it more and getting worse now that she is in her early 70's , I am in my mid 50 's , she is still ignoring/not speaking to me , 3 weeks now going into the 4 th week , I just don't want to contact her as it will qualify what she has said to me , that I am a liar and an alcoholic , I'm neither and have spoken to friends , other relatives and my dr about it , all have said I'm not that way , she is so nasty and trying to control me I think , she said to me that I was a bad and uncontrollable child , that I was pathetic for making my 2 cars , actually one of my car's already had a new when I purchased it , she said it was like I was making children , i am childless , I have a DVD collection that is ( was ) a hobby and she told me it was a waste of time and that she has always said that ( not to me up until that particular time ) I have stopped collecting DVDs , I don't call my car's by their names anymore ,

[james1]

Hello Rainshadow

It sounds like you really stand your ground and set boundaries which is a very healthy thing to do, but it does often lead to arguments with people who don't respect that. My mother was the same, and the constant fighting with her really got to me over the years, so I see a psychologist weekly now.

Good on you for booking in with the gp to get a referral - it sounds like your mother is not going to change any time soon, if at all, and I understand you are trying to get some professional support to work out how to manage this.

How are things when you are not in contact with her, as is the case now?

James

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Rainshaddow,

Sorry for a late response.

I know this might feel like a natural thing to do but try not to justify everything you do. You are unique, full of interests, hobbies, which in my view reveals you can be passionate about something. Your mum seems to be undermining a lot of the things you do and as I mentioned at the beginning, it’s quite understandable that you might feel like you have to give a reason or justify your actions or lack of it. This is who you are, you are an adult, responsible for your actions and she should respect that. She doesn’t have to like what you do with and in your life but at least respect that.
Personally, I loved hearing from you about your DVD’s collection and renovating two cars. Quite an achievement! And I don’t know, if everyone does it or not but I named my car too. Long time ago, right after I got her. I was so happy with it and I guess it felt great to be able to name my car and feel the “friendship”.

Take care.