Work place is doing my head in!

[Morticia_Darling]

So, I'm new to this, but am finding myself increasingly frustrated and cant stop going over things so thought maybe getting it out like this might help.

So in my workplace I am a manager. I manage the office at a piggery, and my job is to manage all HR, finance, accounts, WHS, Return to Work and Government reporting. There are 2 directors above me, and 3 other office/technical staff. I find that because my position has very little to do with pigs, I am very often excluded from discussions, events and gatherings. I alone have been left out every year for a pig conference which we hold in a city 5 hours away, so everyone else gets to go and I am not invited, I am left out of company dinners when pig industry people are visiting, and just yesterday, i alone was left out of a full day discussion and work group on redeveloping our brand. What makes me more frustrated is that one of the directors partner (soon to be wife) is included in all these events and I am not. I constantly feel undervalued and unimportant to the business.

I keep telling myself that I am reading too much into this, and it makes sense as I am not involved in that aspect, but it still hurts and I just find it harder and harder to get past.

For the most part, I love my job, and I am paid reasonably. I just get hung up on this all the time.

I would be interested in any thoughts...

[white knight]

Hi MD, welcome

There is a few ideas I have.

firstly, being included into something you are not might not be all that interesting, the grass is greener syndrome.

Secondly look at any positives in not being included. If for example one director said "we discussed that at our last conference" be ready to answer "but I'm never invited so I can't help you".

Essentially you are devoid of any responsibity so that is a positive.

Is there any other positives like slipping away early or a social chat with another person in the factory.?

Turning negatives into positives is an art form. The future partner joining...nah, let it go. Thats life.

The following are threads that might help.

Google

Topic: vulnerable dwelling unprotected- beyondblue

Topic: your only worse enemy- beyondblue

Topic: wit, the only answer to torment- beyondblue

Good luck

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Morticia Darling~

It looks from what you say it is not so much the lost opportunities from your work point of view so much as not being included in the group. Do you think I've got that correct, or do I misunderstand? My apologies if I have.

OK, suppose that's right, being on the outside of any group, family, work etc is a most unpleasant situation to be in. After all it is tacitly saying you are not worth including. In some cases this is quite unintentional, of course in others it is not.

I do think that if this goes on for too long it will sour your job to the extent you will want to go elsewhere. Whether that is practical or not I don't know.

So what to do? I guess the first thing to ask is if you have discussed the matter with however decides who is going, I would suppose the two directors? It may be of course they would be happy to include you , or if your services are needed in their absence then they can come up with some sort of scheme where you went sometimes.

Of course such an approach would demand forethought. While I've no idea of your standing in the company or the personalities you have to deal with a couple of arguments come to mind. The first is the obvious one that the more information you have first hand the more contribution you can make to the company. The second is that if everyone else is getting perks you feel you should get your share. You'll notice neither puts you down or in a lesser position.

If this is no go then I'd guess there are two possible avenues left. The first being not to invest so much of your personal self in the company - not easy to do, however outside interests may make what happens at work of less importance. It may be they will lead even further than you first intend. You would not be the first person to find alternative opportunities outside work.

The other is of course to leave, which would probably be rather a pity.

OK, I've headed down one path based upon an assumption - what do you think?

Croix

[Morticia_Darling]

Yeah, its about being excluded. As far as the office goes, I am 3rd in charge (the 2 directors and then me), so I do feel as though i am being excluded, even though they have said previously that I am important to the company. Having that said and shown is completely different.

I made my feelings known after the last time I was excluded from the conference. To me it doesn't matter that I am not directly involved with the pig side of the business. I am directly involved in every other aspect. I am told I am an important part of the company, however because no-one has met me, none of our customers have any idea who I am.

Their choice to exclude me, whether always on purpose or not, does sting of rejection in my mind.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm terrible with confrontation, and also extremely sensitive.

[Croix]

Dear Morticia Darling~

I'm glad you came back and talked more. This is realy a difficult situation to resolve (no surprise there, that's why you are here I guess). You did say you are extremely sensitive.

Having a greater level of sensitivity than most has both advantages and drawbacks in leading to both greater insights and deeper thinking and at the same time difficulties in interacting with those who are less sensitive.

This reminds me of a very useful book called Highly Sensitive People in an Insensitive World by Ilse Sand which does have ideas on how such persons cope with day to day situations. Perhaps you can find a very cheap downloadable copy like I did. It explains a lot.

If you considered your sensitivity amounted to social anxiety, or perhaps that the side-effects of such situations as this are making your life very difficult you might go to you GP, set out how you feel in a long appointment and ask to be tested. If you were diagnosed then therapy might be a useful option, leading to more self-esteem and confidence.

I'm no doctor and am only guessing I'm afraid. If it were me it would be a sensible thing to try.

It may be your directors are not treating you with consideration and you are picking up on the fact. As you do not sound as if you are comfortable telling them straight out they should include you then all I can think of as things stand is to remain in a distressing situation, make your life outside work more important to you or leave.

I'm sorry I can offer much else, it is not an uncommon situation at all, and for people that have a natural reluctance to stand up for themselves - which can involve a measure of confrontation - the choices are limited.

The only other thing I've found remotely useful is on some occasions I've become angry, and this has given me the impetus to take action where I otherwise might not have. Now I'm not sure I'd recommend that course of action:)

The other unfortunate fact is we all carry our feelings and perceptions with us, I certainly do, and finding an ideal situation elsewhere might be difficult.

I've not asked about support. I have found talking to my partner, getting her views and generally having an understanding person on my side has made a big difference. Is there anyone like that for you?

Croix (an Addams Family fan)