Work friend. It's never going to be a thing, but we can't separate, either. Is that OK?

gk_80 · ‎11-10-2022

I think what I need to hear is that life sometimes goes this way. You just have to live with it.

Rewind. I've been very close to a work colleague for a year or so. I find this person intelligent, capable, and I do find them attractive. But they're married and I'm not.

We've never stepped over the line physically in any way. I couldn't tell you the last time we even brushed against one another by accident in the office, let alone anything else.

We did have what could be called an emotional affair for a few months, with online chat outside of work. It was fun at the time and not sexy at all. But we mutually ended this based on what we'd read about emotional relationships causing trouble for people, even if that was hard for both of us to stop.

We've remained friends at work and I don't believe we can stop being friends. If we were the same sex and straight I'm not even sure there would be an issue here at all.

All that said, I still feel I have some sort of romantic feelings for this person - as I feel they might have for me - but neither of us have acted on it. We don't talk about it. So to go back to the start, I think what I need to hear is that sometimes you come across someone you find attractive but you can't do anything about it and that's OK. That's life. You just bottle it up.

On my side I don't want to be a home wrecker. On their side I'm satisfied they love their partner. I've never felt led on by them if that's what you're thinking. There's just a bond that neither of us can seem to let go of that sits outside of everything else.

Have you ever been really into someone, knowing it's not going anywhere meaningful, but still wanting to be close to them and unable to let go?

Trying_Optimist · ‎11-10-2022

Hi,

I can’t talk to your question directly, but I can tell you of my experience as the fiancé of the male in the work friendship.
Have you met his wife? Have you hung out socially e.g. a Christmas party or bbq? The reason I ask is that if you are his ‘secret’, or he is reluctant to have you cross over the work and personal life, then that is a problem. And even the fact you have discussed the emotional cost it can have seems a little iffy to me.

I am someone who was super excited when my fiancé made some good friends at work. But it soon became clear that he was spending more time with them and wouldn’t let me meet them at all, even for a quick drink. One of them was a female who he messaged a lot. I expressed my uneasiness about it, but was told they’re just friends.
turns out tonight that I was right all along and one week after separating they are together. And he is still lying to me about it.

I’ve also had great relationships with male colleagues myself when single. And as hard as it was, I knew I had to move departments, actively not hang out with them alone etc, because eventually it can eat you up.

just my two cents. I think the fact you are asking this question, means you already know the answer.

gk_80 · ‎12-10-2022

Hi Trying_Optimist, to answer you, I haven't met his wife. I understand the point you're making, but he has been clear that they are together and that's it. So I haven't felt hidden for secret reasons. My guess is she wouldn't like us being friends, so he hides it for that reason even though we aren't doing anything. Sorry to hear of your situation.

Fiatlux · ‎12-10-2022

Hi gk_80,

Thank you for being so open and honest about this issue... 'emotional affairs'.

You have come to realise that your work colleague is betraying their partner. (I have been the stupid wife).

Affairs are easy relationships. You do not have the everyday pressures of finances, children, dirty dishes etc...

I will admit that in my despair I turned to a friend for support. This was 33 years into my marriage. It became an emotional affair. My friend took his own life in 2019 and I grieve for him on a daily basis.

Your work colleague has ended the emotional affair and you need to respect that and move on.

gk_80 · ‎12-10-2022

Thanks Fiatlux. We both ended the affair - I actually showed him the first of several articles. But we are still great friends and really enjoy being friends, even though I know on my side it's not going anywhere beyond that.

ecomama · ‎12-10-2022

Hey gk_80 and a warm welcome to the forums!

It's great you've come into the forums to get some personal advice about this issue.

In this equation, I'm only thinking about YOU.
Not the focus of your affection (at this moment), nor his wife, just YOU.

For your own emotional safety and to protect your heart, it would be SO WISE at this point of realisation for you to turn all your attention on to YOU.
This may help you create a boundary where you can release this person from your attachment.

Remaining attached in any emotional way will only serve to hurt you.
You may not think you have control over this, but you do.
It can be switched over tonight, right now.

Once you release this, you MAKE SPACE for an available potential REAL partner to come into your life.
If a real relationship with a future is what you want, then atm it's all being smoke-screened and you may not even SEE a person crossing your path, who could be wonderful for you in your life.

I happen to believe in Karma. We have to remember that we're driving our own Karma.
You, more than anyone, wouldn't want a similar situation in your future as the married spouse being kept in the dark over her husband's affair (emotional or otherwise).

Take care of Number One because no one else will put you as a priority.
Love EM

Juliet_84 · ‎13-10-2022

Hi GK_80,

I have had a very similar experience to you, I had a male work colleague who I was very close with and am still good friends with to this day. He is married with children and I was in a relationship at the time. He has a lot of qualities that I admire and we just clicked instantly and I thought of him as my “work husband”. If we had both been single then things may have been different as we have a great friendship with a lot of things in common. But our friendship never crossed over into anything inappropriate ever, he is married and I was in a relationship so I think it was just not an option in our mind from the start. My relationship was very unhappy at that time so I really did rely on him to fulfill some of my emotional needs but I don’t feel guilty about that because it really helped show me what I deserve and restore my faith in men. Would I like my husband having a close friendship with a female at work, probably not, but sometimes you can’t help who you spark with and I would feel comfortable in the fact that my husband is honest and loyal. I suppose the only issue here is that you both have had a minor flirtation already and he may have a momentary lapse of judgement, putting himself in “harms way” if you will.

geoff · ‎13-10-2022

Hello GK, there's not much more I can say from what has already been said, but yes this does happen all the time, but you both know that there is a limit to how far this friendship can go and that there is a cut-off point, but that doesn't mean you can't be friends, because if a relationship does begin, then it changes the whole situation.

Geoff.

Life Member.

gk_80 · ‎13-10-2022

Juliet_84, you hit the nail on the head, 'you can’t help who you spark with'. So true. There are better looking guys at work. There are more popular guys at work. If I was just looking to nail down someone great looking and popular, it wouldn't be him. But you can't help who you spark with and I wasn't looking for someone anyway. We've simply been thrown into situations like working in projects together where our conversations have shown us we are very compatible and comfortable in each other's company, so why wouldn't I want to be his friend? It's never even been particularly hard to be "just friends", only when I stop and think about what might be under the surface on both sides. When I think about that too much, it gets confusing and not as fun.