Wife left for soulmate

[Goody658]

Two months ago my wife of 10 years started to FB msg her old boyfriend from high school.

At first i was a little concerned at the constant msg'ing however she said they were just friends who were catching up. A month later we were on a xmas holiday OS with family and she was still talking to him via FB almost on a daily basis. I questioned her on it and she told me that she was committed to me and our marriage, that she loves me and its nothing

The holiday was great it was probably one of the best we felt so connected, even though she was still talking to this guy I felt OK as she has other guy friends and its fine. When we got home she wanted to go and meet him to catch up. I said sure no worries.

A few days later, she was clingy and mopey I thought it was odd but didn't ask her about it. The next morning as i was going to work she was still in bed with tears in her eyes. I knew something was wrong so i asked her and she burst into tears. These tears were the worst kind of tears, she hugged me so tight it hurt and I’ll never forget the next sentience "babe i messed up".

I thought Its OK she probably only slept with him we can get past this.

No this was much worse. "I love him, I love him like nothing I have ever felt before I think he is my soulmate, I am so sorry i thought we were just friends".

I was numb I was in shock not quite understanding what she was saying. It took us both surprise.

The next morning I rolled over looking at my beautiful wife and reality kicked in. I just broke down the pain felt like she was going to die of a terminal disease. The next few days were a mix of denial, grief, acceptance and optimism and back again.


We have been talking about our marriage and how this could happen she kept trying to tell me it’s not my fault and she still loves me, but this other guy has this power over her she’s never felt before, “he ticks box’s I didn’t know I needed”.


We had some tough times with her suffering from chronic pain, depression, issues with her family and infertility. All these problems bought us closer together. 4 months ago after accepting that kids was not going to happen she said it’s the happiest she has been in years.
That a great weight has been lifted.

Now she is leaving with her soul mate, it feels that our marriage didn’t even matter I feel discarded, cheated and used.
I know she is not coming back but I can’t let her go the pain is immense.

I am struggling like never before.

Thanks for listening.

[quirkywords]

Hello Goody,

Thanks for your post and welcoe to the forum but sorry it is under these circumstances.

It use have been a terrible shock for you after you trusted her ad then to be treated in this way.

I know this is different in some ways but my partner's ex wife let him for a tutor after 30 years marriage and telling him he was just her tutor and she needed to spend time with him. That was over 15 years ago and we are happy but it still hurts him and maybe always will.

The emotions and hurt is so raw and the moment and you will be grieving for a while.

Have you got support from friends and or family who can be there for you or to listen to you when you need it.

thanks for sharing your story. Post here as often as you feel like it. You are not alone.

Quirky

[There]

Hi Goody,

Thank you for sharing. How are you going?

J

[Goody658]

Hi, T(here)

I am a little better now, I booked in with a therapist and he seems really good. I put all cards on the table with her a few days ago and left nothing unsaid, I didn't want that hanging over me.

She has decided to stay with the other guy as the love she feels is to strong and is moving out in a few days. I feel like i have a little closure now however i still have that feeling of a deep loss. I think it will get worse over the next few days before she moves out and I really never see her again.

Both of us have decided to try and stay friends but asif that ever happens. The other guy is starting to get really protective of her and no longer wants us to stay in contact as he suffers from anxiety . I feel thats a shame as my wife and I are the very best of friends and could probably even stay as friends once the pain is gone and we have both moved on.

But we shall see i guess.

I am fearful of the future and of being alone but i have a strong group of friends who are looking out for me.

I still just take it day by day.

[Big_Mitch]

Jesus man, that is enough to affect anyone because it is an incredible humiliation/rejection that can destroy your self-esteem. You can't just move on, it may take years to get out of bed without feeling like crap. I feel for you. I hope you have a good support network and good friends around you to spend time with. If you are financially well off, maybe taking a holiday with a really good mate so you have something to look forward to...

[Inthehallway]

Hi I feel your pain. it is physically overwhelming. I told my husband (partner of 30 years since we were 13) that I was unhappy and he should leave. He did but he was heartbroken and I completely destroyed him. As soon as he had gone I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life but tried to see how I would feel. That was mid December and by early January I was a wreck. I told him I had made a mistake but he said too late.. he had dealt with the rejection and made himself strong. He rents a place with our eldest daughter and he is happy. It kills me - I know I did this and I have to respect his decision but I cant get over the pain. I went to his house yesterday and practically begged for him to try and save the marriage - I admitted I had let him down and hurt him but I know it was not his fault I was unhappy, it was my fault. I asked to use the time apart (he has a lease until Dec this year) to find out what makes us happy and have time apart but to work on making our marriage a new relationship, start again and make it all the things it wasn't. Again he said No, he is happy and he won't go backwards. Told me to stop beating myself up over it and move on. If only it was that easy, the pain seems to grow each day. Maybe I should see a therapist too.

I hope your journey to more good days than bad is a short one

[Jac2]

In the hallway, I made the sme mistake after 32 years. It’s been 3 years and I’m still trying to reconcile with him. I’m praying he will come home everyday.

[Betternow]

Your story is unbearably sad. I don’t believe I am qualified to offer advice but I do understand your torment. I had a very similar experience to you. That was 35 years ago but I still feel the pain. You must be a very generous and patient person because I believe your wife’s behaviour was terrible and for you to be willing to accept friendship without bitterness is remarkable.

One final point. Text messaging, strange phone calls, unexplained absences etc in my experience almost always means that one partner is being deceitful. Sad but true. Good luck.